The breakup of a relationship causes severe stress for both women and men. But during this period we must not forget about those for whom it is not at all easier, that is, children. The child is strongly attached to his parents, and their separation can leave an indelible mark on his psyche. It is possible that an official break in a relationship will only bring relief to a man and a woman, but for a child, drastic changes will seem like a real tragedy. How to mentally prepare your child for divorce and not ruin your relationship with him? How to carefully say that his mom and dad will no longer live together?
What You May Not Know About Divorce
During a divorce, the child cannot help but suffer. Therefore, immediately get rid of the illusion that you have the power to say something to him, to behave in some special way in order to avoid psychological trauma.
But consider this fact taking into account the following considerations:
All life with a child is traumatizing him to one degree or another.
Divorce is a life circumstance. There are no perfect people, families or lives. Some people have to go through illness, some poverty, some death, some divorce. There's always something going on.
During a divorce, self-recrimination is pointless. In a global sense, you are not to blame. The fact that you chose the wrong person with whom you could not save your marriage is not only your responsibility. He also chose you for a reason, marriages are often complementary, they are concluded on the principle of mutual complementarity: we choose a person for ourselves in order to work out our childhood traumas. And our injuries are traces of our parents’ upbringing, etc.
Don't waste your energy on self-blame. If you see a fixed pattern of behavior in yourself, for example, “I choose aggressive/infantile men,” work on yourself, undergo psychotherapy, but don’t scold yourself or blame yourself. It’s better to spend this moral strength on supporting your son or daughter, realizing your mistakes and processing your experience.
Over time, divorce can become a positive experience (not in the sense that it is good, the scars will still remain, but in the sense that experiencing this event in a certain way will make you more resilient to stress).
When to tell your child about divorce
You should speak as soon as the final decision is made. If you are still in the process - either moved in together or separated, then inform only when it is known what decision you have come to.
There is no point in delaying, because children still feel that something bad is happening and it cannot be hidden. But if you don’t discuss the situation in the family with them at all, then they complete the unknown reality, come up with their own explanations, imagine consequences and fantasize about the causes. And these fantasies can be much more frightening than the truth, and have much more serious consequences for the psyche in the form of phobias and neuroses.
If you divorced your husband before the baby was born or when he was very young, you do not need to wait until three, seven or eighteen years to tell “the whole truth.” He will find out sooner or build a whole palace of fables from his fantasies. There won't be a right time. Initially, there should be no secret; tune in to an atmosphere of openness in the family. Every month and year it will become more and more difficult to talk about the absence of a father.
Plan a conversation not right before bed, school, kindergarten or club - not when you are in a hurry. Better move it to the weekend so you have time to be together. After the discussion, plan something together: a walk, a movie, something calm.
Needless to say
How to tell your child about divorce? The question is quite difficult. It is necessary to pay attention to his age, choose the right words and prepare a speech in advance, what can be said to him and what is better not to say, and, if possible, be ready to calm him down.
Is it right to tell children about their parents' divorce? - This is the question that most worries the father and mother of the baby. They think he doesn't understand anything. But psychologists say that even if the child is only 3 years old, then he should be told about the upcoming changes in his life, and try to explain all this in a language understandable to him.
By this age, the baby already has his own thinking, and he will very quickly notice that one of the parents is missing. If you don’t explain to your child about his parents’ divorce that his father will only visit him from time to time, he may think that his mother will sooner or later disappear from his life, and he will be left completely alone. It is very important to talk about the changes in his fate. When something predictable happens, it's no big deal.
If the child is already 6 years old or older, then you need to tell about the parents’ divorce as early as possible. Don't lie to him about a parent's long trip. The child will still understand over time what really happened or learn the truth from third parties. The realization that his family has deceived him will cause him psychological trauma and undermine his trust in them.
If possible, tell your child about the divorce together
Sometimes parents cannot decide who will “bring the bad news.” Remember: the news itself will make such an impression that it does not matter who tells it. Sometimes one parent is noticeably more involved in the life of their son or daughter, then it is better to inform the one with whom the child trusts more, with whom there is closer emotional contact.
For a child, the ideal option would be for mom and dad to have the conversation together, so that he can see that life goes on, and you both participate in it.
This is also a positive experience for you: after all, when you get divorced, you still remain his parents.
But such a conversation is only possible if you are really able to have it together without hissing, quarreling, sideways glances and tension. This doesn't happen often. If you feel that this is difficult, immediately reject the idea. Situations vary. It is necessary to minimize harm as much as possible, and simply take for granted what we cannot change.
When you speak, look your child in the eyes. If you're doing this alone, you can take him by the hand or (if he's small and doesn't mind) sit him on your lap. Stay in touch with him. Speak calmly and confidently, slowly, clearly and clearly.
Preparing for the conversation
- You can talk only if you have made a firm decision to break up. There is no need to unnecessarily disturb the child if there is any doubt.
- You need to think carefully about your argument and try to present clear arguments.
- You should also choose a certain conversation tactic: it is better to talk about divorce as a temporary phenomenon, try to reduce its significance in the child’s life, focus on the future and the positive aspects that are possible as a result of separation.
- Before the conversation, it is worth putting your own emotions in order, because the mood of the adults will be passed on to their child. Moreover, children intuitively experience anxiety if something is wrong in the family.
How to talk about divorce is understandable for a child
It is important to give simple, clear explanations without going into details related to your intimate life and grievances. Formulate in advance how your version of what happened will sound when retold in a language that your child can understand.
Children don't need complex, confusing explanations. Often adults resort to them to disguise unwanted information, or if they don’t know how to explain it. So first think, focus and explain to yourself what happened.
Here are examples of understandable phrases:
- “Even before you were born, we realized that we would not live together.” (It’s also not very clear about feelings that faded away too early, about “falling out of love” either.)
- “We no longer enjoyed doing the things we used to enjoy together.”
- “We decided that we would no longer live together. This means that each of us will take care of you, but not in the same apartment.”
- “We will no longer be husband and wife. We're going to get a divorce."
- “Divorce is when a husband and wife stop living together. But we remain your parents."
Here are important points that should be conveyed to a child, regardless of age. It is advisable to repeat these phrases or their variations several times during a conversation:
- “I will still remain your mom, and your dad will still be your dad. After the divorce, we will both remain your parents.”
- “I will still love you, and so will Daddy.”
- "We'll both take care of you."
- "We have a plan."
- "It is not your fault".
What is really important for a child to know about their parents’ divorce?
There is no need to come up with a beautiful and sad story to replace the one you don’t like. But the truth must be objective. The truth is not your truth. Your interpretation of what happened is subjective. Your son or daughter will be able to perceive your view of the situation adequately just when they grow up. In the meantime, it is important to talk about the facts, without interpretation.
Who is his biological father, where is he now? It doesn’t matter to a child whether his mother got pregnant by accident, whether his mother-in-law interfered with the couple’s relationship, whether his father took things out of the house to bet on a match, whether he cheated on his wife, whether he lay on the couch instead of working, or whether he was irresponsible. This is all important for a woman, this is what the mother sometimes wants to convey to her baby, and this is what she has in mind. But this is unnecessary information that has nothing to do with the child.
It is important for him to know whether he was abandoned or not. There should be a feeling that no, that he had nothing to do with it. Therefore, a simple and understandable general explanation will do: “Your dad and I didn’t like living together anymore, and we decided that we would live separately.” This explanation will be true for a civilized separation, for someone who has “fallen out of love,” and for an alcoholic or aggressor husband.
If you have never lived as a family: “We decided that we don’t want to live together and get married.” This explanation is suitable for accidental pregnancy and other situations.
Let me emphasize once again that you can also present your version to a child, but when he reaches the age of unquestioning faith in his parent, so as not to perceive it as the only correct one, when he can see the world with nuances and think critically, and not in the categories of “good - bad” .
The main mistakes of parents
Pretend that nothing is happening or hide the problem.
The child will still see changes (in relationships, emotions, routine). If the parent behaves as if nothing had happened or comes up with fables, like “dad went on a long-term business trip,” then the child may lose a basic sense of security, trust in the world and parents.
Going into detail or speaking too generally/abstractly.
There is no need to discuss the details of the partnership and the “adult” reasons why you decided to separate. But at the same time, you should avoid vague phrases like “we are not suitable for each other.” Children need specific indicators of the problem that they understand. For example, “You noticed that dad and I quarrel very often.”
Insult your partner, swear during a conversation.
In a situation of divorce, you really want to throw out your resentment and blame your other half for all the sins. But responsibility for divorce lies with both parents.
There is no need to denigrate mom/dad in the eyes of the child and arrange scenes with a showdown in his presence. This will bring nothing but harm to the child’s psyche.
In addition, there may be the opposite effect: it is the parent who criticizes and blames his partner who will cause a negative attitude. There is also no need to compare a child with a partner in a negative context (“you are the same as your father/your mother!”), because in this situation there is a message of splitting the child’s personality into male and female components, where one of them is a negative figure. As a result, skills corresponding to this figure are lost: empathy, acceptance, tenderness, if the female figure is denied; determination, progressiveness, achievement, if the male figure is denied.
Discuss the issue of divorce in the presence of third parties or spontaneously (on emotions).
The conversation should take place in an atmosphere that is comfortable for the child, face to face. Grandparents and close friends are not the best company for such conversations. Ask your close circle to be tactful in this situation and not discuss the issue of parents’ divorce with the child (and especially before the parents themselves do so).
Leave the child alone with his feelings.
Of course, the divorce of parents is a great stress for a child, so it should not be overlooked during this period. You need to try to spend more time with your child - communicate on various topics, go somewhere together. But do this unobtrusively, very delicately, observing rather than pestering with questions. If the child does not ask questions, it is better not to raise the topic again, but to wait until he himself initiates the conversation. Just be there and be ready to answer questions.
If your child asks why you are getting a divorce
Or “Why did you leave dad?”, “Why did dad leave us?” Parents are sometimes perplexed by these questions.
We must understand that they are based not on a desire to know the reason, but on a protest against the injustice of what happened to him. As if he was saying: “I don’t want it to be like this!”
The parent falls into the trap of trying to find explanations acceptable to the child. Let's say dad abused alcohol, and mom is in a stupor about how to tell her child about this without denigrating his father.
Don't fall for this scam. The baby’s question “why” is not about logic or reasons, but about how hard it is for him without his dad. This is what you talk about: “You know, there are very different families. You see it and you know it. In our family - you and me. Dad and I divorced when you were very young. You wish this didn't happen, right? You probably dreamed and imagined that dad lived with us. You'd really like that. And you are offended and sad that this did not happen.”
This way you will normalize the current situation, talk about his feelings, create a space where you can express difficult thoughts and experiences. And then stick to a simple explanation: “Mom and Dad didn’t like being together anymore. We realized that we didn't want to live together all our lives. That's how it happens sometimes." For very young children, you can briefly answer: “It’s sad that this happened, you would like dad to live with us.”
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If a child asks: “Daddy doesn’t love me?”
Another trick question. When your son or daughter asks you about this, a lot of their own feelings awaken. For example, resentment: “If I had loved him, he would not have left for that bad woman,” “He doesn’t care about us, he’s not even interested in the child,” etc. And then the mother is trapped: telling such a truth to a child is somehow not comme il faut. Which exit? Saving lie?
But here it is important to think about this. The truth about the father is only the version of the woman from whom the man left. The man did not leave his son or daughter, he did not leave because the relationship with the child did not work out, he left the family because the relationship with the woman did not work out. This does not relieve him of responsibility, but it radically changes the answer to the question of whether he loves the child. The mother has a fact - the child’s father does not call him, does not look for meetings. But to say that he doesn’t love him is, at the very least, unfounded.
It is impossible to understand what is going on in another person’s soul. He may not call because of the guilt that flares up whenever he communicates with his son, so he tries to avoid it by “forgetting” to call. He may blame the woman for ruining his relationship with the child, he does not want to see the child because he is “from this woman,” etc.
All this characterizes him as an infantile person who has difficulties with self-understanding and responsibility, but does not serve as evidence of dislike for the child.
Let's even say that the father was an alcoholic or a gambling addict. For you this means that “he chose vodka/computer games over his son,” but for him it is a mental illness, an addiction in which there is a lot of suffering and guilt. He doesn't choose - he's sick. Therefore, when answering the question about fatherly love, try to disconnect from your grievances and disappointments, and say: “He loves you, but in his own way. It’s not always possible to be close to the one you love.”
Advice from a child psychologist
Helping a child survive a divorce is within the power of parents. You need to listen to the recommendations of a psychologist.
- Try not to change your place of residence, as the child needs to maintain friendly connections and familiar surroundings.
- If you move, do not immediately change kindergarten or school.
- If the child is older, make sure that he or she meets peers of the same gender as the absent parent as often as possible. You can enroll your child in the section.
- It is impossible to limit the meetings of children with their father. A little person should have an idea of the male type of education.
- Do not make concessions to the student because “he is going through a difficult period.” He must know that there will always be demand from him and no one has canceled his responsibilities. Let there be stability in this at least.
How children of different ages experience such events
It is necessary to inform children about the divorce of parents of different ages, taking into account their psychology.
Thus, children aged 3.5–6 years begin to blame themselves for the fact that the family has become incomplete. They consider themselves the center of everything, and everything happens only for them or because of them. Dad doesn’t come anymore, it means I’m bad, he doesn’t love me, that’s why he doesn’t live with us anymore - that’s exactly what the little man thinks. He is very sensitive to the current situation.
Children 7-8 years old experience anger and resentment, especially towards their father. At this age, a person sees everything either black or white. The child may even refuse to communicate with dad. There is an increase in aggression and anxiety.
At the age of 10-11, children feel abandoned and useless, they are angry and angry with their parents, they are ashamed that they are breaking up.
Only after the age of thirteen is a person able to understand the true reasons for the breakdown of a family and all its consequences, to build relationships with both parents; this is already adolescence, read about it below.
It doesn’t matter how old a person was when he learned about his parents’ divorce at 5 years old, at 7 years old, as a teenager or as an accomplished man. This is always stress and the collapse of family values.
How to reduce a preschooler’s worries when their parents divorce
If a child is 5 - 7 years old, it is very important for him to know that his mother loves him and especially his father , who “leave” him.
The most valuable and feasible advice from a psychologist: do not be afraid to spoil your child! Let him feel the care and participation of both parents and grandparents.
Think about what common interests the baby and dad have. Perhaps when he picked up the child from kindergarten, they came in to look at the robots in the store window, or he read him a bedtime story in a funny voice. Ideally, this should continue for the first time. If not possible, then mom will have to take it upon herself.
It is not at all necessary for the child to know the true reasons for the separation of the spouses. It is enough that dad and mom can no longer live together, as it is difficult for them to come to an agreement and they often quarrel. It is better to remain silent about the fact that a third person has appeared in the relationship.
