Unfortunately, divorce is a common occurrence in everyday life. Things are more or less good when both spouses come to the idea of breaking up. But if only the husband or wife wants to get a divorce, but the other half does not suspect this, a conflict situation is brewing. Tips on how to tell your husband about divorce center around preparation for this conversation, choosing a time and place. It is important to think through everything down to the smallest detail if separation is unexpected for your spouse.
If a woman asks the question “How to tell my husband that I want to get a divorce?”, she should understand that she is already making a mistake. You can’t say “I want” if the decision is final. In this case, the spouse may begin to hope that not everything is over and that he is able to correct the current situation by all means available to him. Divorce should be talked about as a decision made. “I’m getting a divorce!” that's all.
But you should prepare for this if you want to maintain a human relationship with your husband, and this is necessary, especially when you have children.
Of course, a lot depends on the reason for the divorce. After all, this is precisely what serves as a kind of justification for a woman who wants a divorce.
Choose the right call time
A poorly chosen conversation time can affect the outcome of the conversation. All advice from psychologists can be divided into two main groups, depending on the goal:
- If you are thinking about how to make the conversation comfortable for your spouse, then start the conversation when there are no additional difficulties in his life. Health or work problems are serious reasons to postpone discussion of a decision you have made, which could injure your partner.
Start the conversation on Saturday or Sunday - this will give you more time to discuss details. The husband will have time to get used to the new state of affairs and come to his senses before the start of the work week.
- If personal peace comes first, then start the conversation in a public place - a café is a good choice, the atmosphere of which is relaxing and puts you in a peaceful mood. Showing open emotions in public is much more difficult than at home, where you can insult your spouse or even raise your hand to her in a fit of rage.
The ideal time in this case is a lunch break on a weekday.
It is impossible to sort things out in front of children, so as not to cause them psychological trauma. It is better to tell the kids after making a decision, having prepared together with your spouse and having previously discussed all the details with him.
Tips on how to tell your child about divorce.
Cons after divorce
Divorce is, to put it mildly, an unpleasant process. Often these are unfulfilled expectations, collapsed dreams, betrayal. Being in an unhappy marriage, many couples think only about the immediate benefits that await them after a divorce, without considering the downsides. Sometimes wives dream of separation, but do not know how to tell their husbands about the divorce.
One of the main disadvantages of divorce is the impact on children. Who will they end up with? In what format will further communication take place? Parental separation can cause enormous psychological trauma. Finding the right approach in such a situation and explaining to children that this is not their fault, that mom and dad have not stopped loving them, can be extremely difficult.
Divorce entails division of property. Dividing “common property” is always difficult, especially if the parties do not want to give in to each other, and heated disputes take place over literally every item.
READ How parents can tell their child about divorce without harming them
When entering family life, a woman sacrifices her professional career. When a baby is born, the only job of a young mother is to care for and raise him. After parting with a spouse, many worries, including financial ones, fall on fragile women’s shoulders. How to provide for yourself and your child? It’s good if the ex-husband is decent and will regularly pay alimony.
Relationships collapse, but emotional and psychological attachment to family and spouse remains. There may be a feeling of uselessness and depression. It seems that life has collapsed. How to fill the emptiness and loneliness? To understand yourself, you will need time and support from loved ones.
Test the waters
If your husband has no idea about the decision you have made, then try to find out his attitude first. You can do this in simple ways:
- Tell your spouse the real or fictional story of your friends' divorce. The example should begin tragically, but let the ending be happy. Look at your partner's reaction, find out his opinion.
- If you know of couples from his circle who have experienced a breakup, then ask your husband how things are going with the ex-lovers. His attitude and the overall tone of the story will give you invaluable information about his partner's attitude towards similar situations.
Test: Should you get a divorce?
1. Whose salary is higher?
2. Do you often allow yourself leisure time without your husband?
3. Have you often caught your husband lying?
4. What is the interaction like between the child(ren) and your husband?
5. Does your husband want a child?
6. Do you often hear that you are unable to clean up, wash the dishes, or are a poor cook?
7. Is there a difference in your appearance before marriage and now?
8. Does your husband thank you for spending intimate time with you?
9. Have you cheated on your husband?
10. Does your husband flirt with other women?
11. Does your husband often feed you promises to do a man’s job in everyday life, but does not fulfill it?
12. Do you want to have a child with your husband?
13. How do your relatives treat your husband?
14. Have you often heard from your husband that you make him jealous?
15. Who, in your opinion, should be the head of the family?
16. Does your husband cheat?
17. During conflicts, did you notice behind yourself: “It’s begun” or “Oh, that’s it!” and went off topic?
18. Do you often lie to your husband?
19. Have you ever heard that you spend too much money on cosmetics, clothes, etc.?
20. How do his relatives treat you?
Get started without long introductions
Sometimes women want to soften the blow of divorce in a strange way - they come up with long and ornate texts.
But in essence it turns out awkwardly, and the conversation may end in a quarrel in which you never get to the main point. Another difficulty is that during the process you will change your mind because you will get scared and want to postpone the serious conversation for another day. So don’t delay or test your spouse’s patience - just talk about the main purpose of the conversation, and then give your reasons why you decided this way. Be prepared for difficult questions, emotional attacks directed at you, and aggression. The reaction can be the most unexpected. Control yourself and do not respond to requests for another chance to save the relationship.
How to tell your husband to agree to a divorce?
The tone of conversation should be welcoming and friendly. Being rude in return will cause a similar reaction. In this case, it is better to switch from the pronoun “we” to “I”. This will make the husband feel that his wife decided to divorce not only because of him.
It is necessary to avoid all topics that will “transport” each other to the past, where common memories are stored. The voiced and narrated divorce should remain the central theme.
It is better to exclude alcohol and cigarettes so that nothing distracts you. Of course, the conversation will be very difficult. But you need to stay sober.
Be prepared for questions
After you talk about your decision, your spouse will start asking questions.
The most popular of them:
- When was the decision to separate made? Explain that you thought about everything in advance, this is not a momentary desire caused by conflicts, but a solution to long-standing problems. Point out that you have been carrying it for a long time, that it is not easy for you to talk about this. Do not shift the blame onto your partner's shoulders and do not insult him in any way.
- Is it about the lover? If you really started an affair on the side, then it is better not to admit it during the first conversation - psychologists recommend. A man's reaction to such news can be unpredictable.
- What is the reason for divorce? Clearly present all the reasons that prompted you to make a difficult decision, explain your position to your husband. You can explain that you don’t get along in character, you are tired of living in constant stress and tension, because soap operas in life with a stormy showdown do not bring joy. If the reason is because of his revealed infidelities or because of distrust of his partner, then explain that to him.
The easiest way is to accept that the wife is simply tired of resolving everyday issues in marriage; this does not sound as offensive as other reasons.
Specialist help
If your husband is having a hard time with the upcoming divorce, it makes sense to talk to a professional psychologist. It is better if it is a man, since representatives of the stronger sex understand each other well and will easily find a common language. It is recommended that you come to the consultation together, answer a few general questions, and then leave your spouse alone with the specialist. The psychologist, using professional techniques, will explain to the man that divorce is not the end of life, but the beginning of a new stage. Usually. After several conversations with a specialist, the spouse comes to terms with the situation and begins to think positively .
The help of a psychologist in such cases is much more effective than support from family and friends, since the specialist assesses the situation from the outside, without giving preference to anyone. If the advice of a specialist does not help, and the husband falls into long-term depression, it makes sense to consult a psychiatrist, since divorce often provokes neuropsychiatric disorders. Also, the help of a psychiatrist is necessary if the husband, having received news of the divorce, falls into a long binge caused by stress.
If a spouse deliberately pretends to be sick or “heartbroken” so that his wife will pay attention to him and postpone the divorce, you need to immediately understand: this trick will not work.
Divorce is always stressful for both the wife and the husband . If a divorce occurs on the wife’s initiative, this deals a severe blow to a man’s pride. Therefore, before informing your spouse about the divorce, you need to know that: the reaction to unexpected news can be unpredictable. Without preliminary preparation of the other half, everything can end in severe stress for both the husband and wife. If you tell your spouse the unpleasant news in a timely manner and do it correctly, the divorce will be easy and painless for both.
Prepare in advance for what will happen after the conversation
It is important to understand that conversation is only the first step in the divorce process. You have a long way to go, dividing property, agreeing on raising joint children and settling all related issues.
Therefore, start the conversation when you already have ready-made solutions that you can unobtrusively offer during the discussion. Gather the necessary documents in advance. A man’s reaction can be unpredictable, for example, he will hide the papers to stop you, but without a marriage certificate it is useless to go to the registry office.
Collect everything you need in advance, make copies of documents and give them to relatives for safekeeping.
Change passwords on social networks and on bank cards and set aside in advance the amount necessary for living for the first time. If your spouse previously provided for you, then find a job or another source of income. You should not leave without imagining how you will live in the future and rely only on the support and help of loved ones.
How to share children?
The process becomes much more complicated when there are children. It is almost impossible for them to understand how this happened. They will be the ones who will be most affected by the divorce. Most often, both an only child and several children remain with their mother. It’s hardly worth thinking about having some of them live with one parent, and some with another. Even in orphanages they try not to separate children. So will the parents really decide to do this?
Children cannot be separated. But if they have reached a certain age, let them decide for themselves who would be better for them to live with.
Don't be afraid of aggression in return
Your monologue may be followed by a violent reaction from your spouse. Even if he understands the problems in your marriage, such a decision may still come as a complete surprise. There is no need to make excuses or ingratiate yourself.
For example, the husband will say: “You are trying to avoid responsibility, you only think about yourself. I give everything I have, I try my best. Neither I nor my children deserve this kind of treatment. This is low and mean."
You can’t answer like this: “Please don’t read the notations here. I'm just tired of your stupid behavior, trying to save our marriage is all useless. What you are saying now is nothing more than beautiful words, behind which there is essentially nothing. I’m tired of waiting for something to change, not in words, but in deeds.”
It’s better to say this: “I understand that this decision is painful for both. Please forgive me for causing you unpleasant emotions. I don't see any other solutions. I don’t have feelings for you that would give me the strength to improve my relationship and take it to the next level.”
The second answer is better, so you do not take a defensive position, there is no resentment or anger in the words, but on the contrary, one can read empathy for the feelings of the spouse, an understanding of the emotions that have overwhelmed him.
During a conversation, you may want to physically support your partner - for example, hug or stroke the cheek. This cannot be done, as your spouse may misunderstand you and decide that all is not lost.
False hopes will cause additional pain and will only prolong the time of separation. Therefore, if you understand that you are breaking up completely and irrevocably, then do not allow yourself any physical contact with your husband.
Do not involve third parties in the conversation
One more thing - talking about divorce concerns only spouses. Under no circumstances should you invite close relatives or friends to a meeting for support, this will only offend your man more.
Preparing in advance will make the conversation about divorce more comfortable for both of you. If you use the tips above, you will feel much more confident during difficult conversations. The main thing is to start the discussion at a moment when you are sure that there are no other options other than breaking up.
Situations when you can't wait
If you correctly inform your spouse about the changes, he will take them for granted. However, there are situations when you need to divorce as quickly as possible and not waste time on heart-to-heart conversations. It is necessary to urgently dissolve the marriage without prior preparation of the spouse if:
- The husband takes actions that threaten the life and health of his wife and children (shows open aggression, mocks family and friends, behaves inappropriately towards relatives).
- The spouse abuses alcohol or periodically takes any, even the most “light” drugs.
- A man has become a follower of the teachings of a totalitarian religious sect and wants to involve his family in this.
- The husband periodically commits offenses and wants his wife to become his ally in “dark” matters.
It is also worth immediately filing a divorce petition if the husband resorts to open blackmail in order to get his way. For example, he threatens to commit suicide if his wife leaves for another. You cannot succumb to blackmail, otherwise the man, sensing his wife’s weakness, will regularly use this method in the future. You need to immediately divorce such a manipulator and, if possible, not maintain a relationship. If, after the divorce, the ex-husband continues to harass and threaten, you can contact the police.
