How to save a family is one of the most frequently asked questions today. And this is understandable, because according to official statistics, every second family breaks up. In the modern world, maintaining a family has become quite difficult. In order for a marriage not to break up, you need the desire of both spouses, enormous, painstaking daily work on yourself and your relationships. One of the most common reasons for divorce is misunderstanding between spouses, which over time develops into acute conflict situations and practically unsolvable personal problems. And to prevent this from happening, you should learn to competently build relationships in the family.
I want to save my family, what should I do? How often can you hear such a question from the lips of young, and not so young, girls. You can give them a lot of advice, but all of it will be in vain if the fundamental question is not resolved: is it worth saving the family? You need to answer this question honestly and understand what motives guide you. Maybe there has been no nepotism for a long time, the feelings are gone and people no longer have anything in common?
If you still decide to save your family, then the tips below will help you with this.
How to save a family - advice from a psychologist
One of the main reasons for many conflict situations in the family is closely related to the fact that subjects gradually cease to notice a personality in their partner, and begin to perceive him as a set of useful and necessary functions.
So, for example, the average husband has the following useful set of functions: he regularly brings in his salary, comes home on time, does not leave his socks scattered around the apartment, gives gifts on holidays and flowers when he has done wrong, etc. This is what a typical example of a multifunctional man should be like.
The same situation is observed in the attitude of men towards women. A wife should be able to cook, do laundry regularly, always be in a good mood and should never have a headache at night.
When some failures occur in the performance of their functions by either a man or a woman, the other half begins to be offended, angry and show their dissatisfaction, which leads to conflict. But a person is not a machine. He may get sick or upset, tired or want to be alone. And so, day after day, people gradually cease to notice and value the traits for which they fell in love with each other, and take them for granted. Along with this, they successfully focus attention on qualities that they do not like and irritate. This situation occurs even in a stable connection. People are designed in such a way that they tend to notice more negativity than positivity. This is where the danger lies. Individuals may lose sight of the big picture, which is not so bad.
What to do to save the family? The second tip is to admire each other. Do a short exercise to understand the importance of admiring your partner. Imagine all the qualities of your spouse that cause you negativity and rejection, think about what character traits your partner lacks. Of course, such thoughts will cause you disappointment, irritation and annoyance. Now imagine everything that you loved about your partner, his best qualities and character traits, everything that you like about him, and watch your mood - it will immediately improve. Such thoughts can help to cope with annoying and unpleasant moments that arise in the process of living together.
Admiration is a direct antagonism of the feeling of disrespect, the occurrence of which in relation to a partner leads to a fairly rapid disintegration of the family. Disrespect is considered one of the most dangerous feelings in family life. Therefore, try to cultivate positive thoughts about your partner as often as possible. When this becomes a habit, you will instantly notice dramatic changes for the better in your relationship. Praise and admire your partner out loud. At first it may be unusual for him, but over time the partner will get used to it and your relationship will sparkle in a new way.
How to save a young family? You need to learn to understand yourself. After all, each person has a set of unconscious expectations and assumptions regarding interaction with a partner, which develops gradually. All our speculations are influenced by the family from which we come. It is in the parental family that primary emotional problems often arise. And since there is no way to resolve them, people push them deeper into the subconscious. Such speculations and problems tend to emerge in similar conditions, while remaining unaccountable (unconscious), and can quite ruin their life together. After all, people tend to get upset if they don't get what they want.
Another of the most common mistakes is the inability or unwillingness to express one’s conscious desires in a clear form. Many individuals believe that their partner should figure out what he wants. Unfortunately, this is quite rare. Therefore, partners should learn to express their thoughts and desires clearly, openly, clearly, but at the same time try not to provoke a defensive reaction in each other.
How to maintain family relationships? The art of competent argument will help with this. The decisive factor in family well-being is how spouses discuss or argue with each other. To begin with, you need to figure out where the discussions are heading - towards aggravation or towards resolution, mitigation of the conflict. Of course, it is difficult to organize a discussion competently when passions are running high, but it is possible. It is difficult to argue correctly, but it is quite possible. After all, in disputes with a higher-ranking person, people try to restrain themselves, therefore, the problem is not a lack of communication skills, but the very atmosphere of negativity that reigns in the family and can lead to a global scandal at the slightest disagreement.
Psychologists assure that a conflict between spouses can be resolved much more successfully and fruitfully if attention is focused not on the essence of the controversial issue, but on one’s own emotions that are associated with it. The main idea is to try to break the habitual cyclical negativity associated with disagreements between partners in any unregulated conflict.
There are some tactics that help solve this problem and find the answer to the question of how to maintain family relationships. It is necessary to limit the time of the dispute. Agree, to begin with, to allocate about 15 minutes in a row for any argument, provided that you will definitely return to the discussion of the exciting controversial issue if you do not meet the deadline. To keep track of time, it is better to use a clock or timer. Don't rely on your inner sense of time. Indeed, in moments of excessive emotional excitement, it can really let you down.
Try to remain calm - a specific means of combating emotional overexcitation, which is the most serious destructive factor in family relationships. Try to restrain the first impulses of anger, direct criticism of the individual. It is permissible to criticize a partner’s behavior or specific actions, but not his personality. At this stage of the dispute, you also cannot trust your feelings and you need to rely on objective physiological indicators, first of all, measure your heart rate first at the beginning of the conversation, and then every five minutes. If it increases by more than 10%, then you should take a break for about 20 minutes. Until you are sure that you have completely calmed down, you do not need to rush into battle again. After all, people often believe that they have already calmed down, when in fact this is far from the case.
Learn to speak and listen without becoming defensive. Don’t speculate on what you weren’t told, just listen carefully to your interlocutor. Try to understand your partner’s motivation, what he is really concerned about, what he is worried about. Don't take criticism as a personal insult and don't immediately launch a counterattack. The correct reaction would be to regard such manifestations as a sign of the severity and severity of the problem for the partner. However, this does not mean that you have to agree on everything. The most important task is to understand your partner's feelings and accept them as fair, even if you disagree.
Learn to express understanding to your partner. Numerous studies show that for individuals it is not so much important to solve a problem as to understand it. So try to be empathetic and learn to see things from someone else's perspective.
During the discussion, you need to calmly and as briefly and clearly describe what happened in your opinion. It is better to start any complaints with the pronouns “I”, “me”, “me” and not “you”. Express your thoughts clearly, clearly and politely. The speech should be positive and accompanied by the so-called “magic” words and phrases “please”, “I will be pleased if you”.
Do not delude yourself that you have learned how to conduct a dialogue competently if your first argument is successful. Mastering the skills of proper argumentation requires practice and attention. The technique of competently constructing a discussion should be brought to automaticity. Before you critically evaluate your partner, learn to also evaluate your own claims against him. Evaluate your complaints. Maybe the claims are too exaggerated? Become each other's best friends.
The foundation of any marriage
The age of the man and woman, family history, children - each of these factors plays a role in trying to keep the marriage from falling apart. But there are also general rules that help save the family and avoid divorce even in difficult life situations.
- The first place in any family is respect for each other.
- All clarification of the relationship between husband and wife must take place without witnesses, especially without children.
- You should not stoop to mutual insults.
- Know how to thank and praise. Even if taking out the trash in your family is your husband's responsibility, your wife should praise him for it. It will not be at all difficult for a man to praise his wife for a delicious dinner. Don't take such simple things in a relationship as unimportant.
- Learn not only to listen, but also to hear.
Mutual support is another important point on which a family is based. Coming home, the husband or wife should feel involved. Let your partner speak out, but don’t lecture or lecture.
How to save your family after cheating
Treason, what a terrible word. It would seem that our family will never know its meaning, but years have passed and now we are on the verge of making a fateful decision.
Divorce or save the family? If the latter, then what to do to save the family? If the betrayal of one of the partners was the result of a mistake or momentary weakness, which the spouse has already regretted a thousand times, then it is probably better to forgive and forget. However, if a partner cheats regularly and intends to continue doing so in the future, then there is no point in saving the family.
There can be many reasons for cheating, but this does not make it any less painful. Not all people know how to forgive. Each individual has a different attitude towards the concept of betrayal - some perceive it as an insignificant weakness, while others consider it a betrayal. It is on the attitude towards the very concept of “treason” that the chosen solution depends.
Divorce or saving a family can only be decided by everyone for themselves, but remember that saving a relationship after betrayal is very difficult, so maybe it’s better not to let it come to this?!
The difficulty in forgiving betrayal lies in forgetting about the fact of its existence, never remembering it and, God forbid, reproaching it, in preventing similar situations from occurring in the future.
So, the husband cheated, and the woman is haunted by the only thought “I want to save the family,” what to do in this case?
First of all, you need to stop constantly reproaching your husband in a rude manner. Most often, the stronger half takes on mistresses due to the fact that they cannot relax and spend time with their wife. Indeed, after some time passed, after the cries of “bitter” subsided, the honeymoon and honeymoon ended, passions began to subside, and feelings from bright and intense were transformed into deeper, but calmer ones, all communication between spouses began to come down only to the decision of family problems and banal life. Mistresses, on the contrary, are always glad to see a man and do not demand anything in return.
Often male infidelity is closely connected only with the satisfaction of carnal instincts. Therefore, it may be worth becoming more relaxed in bed and trying to allow your man all his fantasies in intimacy. Maybe you'll like this too? Become young and beautiful again, the one with whom he once fell in love. After all, marriage is not a reason to relax and neglect your appearance. Remember what it means to take care of yourself. Of course, a woman solves many problems during the day, she is busy at work and at home, raising children falls on her. However, this is not an objective reason to launch your appearance. You can always make time for yourself if you want. And housework responsibilities can be shared with your husband. After all, quite often men cheat because they are attracted to variety, and they fall for the girl’s appearance, because at home they are greeted with “natural” beauty every day.
How can a man save his family if his wife cheated? First of all, start looking for the reason in yourself. After all, the fair half cheats much less often than the stronger sex. Also, female infidelity quite rarely happens on the basis of passions, since it is not enough for girls to feel passion for the man they like, she needs to sympathize with him as a person. That is, in order for a girl to decide to cheat, she needs to practically fall in love with a man. That is why you should look for the reason in your own behavior and yourself. Maybe she decided to take this step due to a lack or complete lack of attention, dull intimacy, your constant unkempt appearance or harmful character.
Consider that your spouse may have made this mistake due to uncontrollable jealousy towards you or while intoxicated. Try to forgive her sincerely if she sincerely confessed to you that she cheated on you and promised not to do it again. However, the level of control over it still needs to be increased.
Women are sublime beings who love romance, so give it to them as often as possible. Remember the young mischievous boy who previously won her heart. Romantic dates, dinner by candlelight, conversations until dawn, flowers, crazy actions, small feats, and all this for her alone. Believe me, if a woman in your eyes always sees her reflection, observes delight in herself, if all your actions show concern for her, and love in your actions, then she will never even think about cheating, and you will become the happiest person in the world. light. After all, there is no one more beautiful than a woman who is loved and admired. She will become your reliable friend, faithful companion, passionate lover, caring mother.
And, on the contrary, a girl who feels a lack of attention and romance in a relationship on the part of her chosen one will react very violently to strangers who can provide her with all this. Because of the dizzying attention to their person, many representatives of the fairer sex can make a mistake and cheat on their loved one. Therefore, give your spouses flowers more often, surprise and delight them, arrange candlelit dinners and many other slightly crazy, but so exciting things. After all, your loved ones deserve it!
The first years in the family
During the first years of marriage, partners are getting used to each other. A husband and wife enter family life with their own habits and foundations, and they have to look for compromises in the relationship, adjust something, put up with something. If this mutual adjustment does not occur, shortly after the couple has sealed their relationship by marriage, one of the spouses may want to file for divorce.
To save your family during its formation, use the advice of a psychologist:
- Try to avoid the desire to change your husband or wife; it is better to start with your own adaptation to new conditions.
- Have a lot of patience.
- Appreciate the new relationships that you have had since starting your family, cherish them.
- Don't forget about signs of attention, they should be on both sides. This could be kisses, affectionate touch, gifts. It is not at all necessary to give your wife mink coats and cars; a trinket dear to your heart will be enough.
- In a family, it is absolutely necessary to avoid harsh, offensive criticism of your spouse.
- Discuss your sex life with your partner. But under no circumstances touch upon your ex-partners, talk only about the two of you.
- Go out together: to the cinema, cafe or just for a walk. Don't lock yourself within four walls, don't get hung up on one person. Try to keep old friends, do not completely dissolve in your partner.
- Learn to discuss and resolve family household issues with your wife or husband. Psychologists say that it is communication and the opportunity to speak out that will help avoid unnecessary problems and misunderstandings.
USEFUL INFORMATION: Life after a divorce from your wife: how to survive the separation
How can a husband save his family?
There is probably no person on earth who has not dreamed of quiet family happiness and a cloudless life together. However, rarely does anyone think that family well-being depends on the hard and painstaking work of both spouses. Very often, such seemingly heavenly happiness after a honeymoon after a while turns into constant quarrels and scandals. And the only thought in my head is “help save the family.”
Today, all fashionable glossy magazines, Internet portals, blue screens, simply bombarded women with advice, methods, methods and techniques for maintaining marriage and stable marital relationships. At the present time, the most popular topic is “how to save a family - advice from a psychologist.” However, for some reason, all psychological advice is aimed only at “straightening the brains” of the female part of the population, while everyone bypasses the stronger half. Of course, from time immemorial, a woman has been the keeper of the home, but we should not forget that times change. Therefore, to hang all the responsibility for preserving the marriage on the weaker half is, at the very least, not fair, and at most, it’s simply not right. After all, it is impossible to maintain a relationship if one partner tries to preserve it, and the other does not care.
A man fights to be considered the head of the family, but he doesn’t want to truly take responsibility for the relationship, shifting it onto fragile women’s shoulders. Therefore, the tips below on how to save a young family will be for men.
How can a man save his family? The first and most important rule is the respect and love a man shows for his own wife. A man should try to take care of his other half, consult with her on all issues that arise, help her run the household and raise children, and be faithful to her.
You need to try to get to know your chosen one better, and to do this, observe her behavior at home, away, or in the store. This will allow you to always know what mood she is in and help avoid unnecessary quarrels. Men are often annoyed by female behavior that defies their logic. Observing your other half and paying attention to her will allow you to always predict your spouse’s actions, and her behavior will be understandable to you. This helps reduce conflict situations in relationships and improve the family microclimate.
How to save a family? Try not to stay late at work. After all, a woman will be very pleased that you spend a lot of time with her in the evenings. As a result, you will be greeted after work not by a disheveled vixen shouting “where have you been,” but by an affectionate and domestic cat with the question “will you eat, dear.” If your wife wants to tell you something, share something, then give her some time, turn off the TV and listen carefully. Nod your head to the rhythm of her speech, let her get the impression that the problems that the woman has entrusted to you are not indifferent to you. However, you should not neglect meeting with friends. Your wife should know that besides work, friends, and hobbies, there is still a place in your life for her.
By following these simple recommendations, you can be sure that peace and prosperity will not leave your home. Your wife, looking at your example, will try to match you, which, of course, will further strengthen the relationship and give a happy family life.
What human needs are satisfied in marriage?
The desire to get a divorce never just arises in either a woman or a man. For some reason, you got married and started a family, and at one time your man chose you for such a serious step, and you chose him. What has changed now?
Relationship breakdown and problems arise when one or both spouses in the relationship do not have vital needs met.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow once identified several groups of people's needs and created a structure according to which the degree of their importance and priority is organized within our personality.
- The first in importance are physiological needs. This is the need for food, water, sleep, rest, sex. These needs directly affect a person's life.
- Next comes the need for security. A person should feel comfortable and not fear for his life and physical integrity. The productivity of his existence directly depends on this.
- The need for belonging and love. This need is also very important. If a person does not feel needed and loved, then his existence also becomes joyless and meaningless.
- The need for respect and honor. This is the need for careful attention to the personality of the spouse. If we apply this to the family, then it is the need to feel the value of one’s contribution to family life.
- Cognitive needs. The need to learn something new, develop, look for new ways to solve old problems. In a marriage, it sometimes happens that one of the spouses, due to their characteristics, may prevent the other person from engaging in activities that develop him. In this case, someone who cannot satisfy this need in order to maintain a relationship has the prerequisites for the development of neurosis.
- Aesthetic needs. This need arises in a person or develops fully only when he has already satisfied the others.
- The need for self-actualization. At this level, most often a problem in a relationship arises when a spouse is jealous of his or her other half’s activities.
Together you can try to understand what needs are not being met in the marriage and discuss ways in which you can help each other with this. It is also important to understand the fact that not all needs and expectations from family life correspond to reality. Often, especially in youth, expectations are drawn from the parental family. And also from various myths about marriage and social stereotypes.
Cheating on your husband - how to save your family
Unfortunately, modern society has not yet come up with a single recipe that could solve the problem of infidelity and attitudes towards it. Some individuals prefer not to notice and turn a blind eye to betrayal, pretending that nothing is happening. After all, if you know for sure that there was adultery, then you need to make a decision. And how much you don’t want changes in your established way of life, and it’s also very scary to change something in your life. This is how family life goes from betrayal to betrayal, gradually distancing the spouses further and further from each other until they become complete strangers. Naturally, the reaction to betrayal depends not only on the personal factor of the partners, but also on the existing relationship between the spouses, the presence of affection and how strongly it is expressed, trust in each other.
Some men believe that the most important thing in a relationship is honesty. That is why they often come and repent of treason. They simply justify their cowardice with their love of honesty. They are ashamed of their actions and find it difficult to bear responsibility for adultery themselves, so they decide to shift it onto women’s shoulders. He eases his conscience by causing pain to his loved one. If in fact a man considered honesty and sincerity in a relationship above all else, he would not have decided to cheat.
There is another type of men - professional “cheaters”. They cannot imagine life without sex on the side. However, such men draw a strict line between family and their little “hobbies” on the side, preferring to protect their wife from unnecessary knowledge. In such families, wives may even know about the endless betrayals, but they accept the established rules of the game, since the unfaithful spouse tries to compensate for the betrayal with something. Women are also afraid to be left without the financial support of their spouse, so they turn a blind eye to his endless affairs.
So decide for yourself whether to prefer a divorce or to save the family. But if you are in favor of saving the relationship, then the tips below will help you survive this problem. The first piece of advice is to try at all costs to avoid anything that could fuel your negative experiences and feelings towards your husband. However, this does not mean at all that you should hide from him that you are hurt. Show him how you feel, but do it quickly and strongly. And after a surge of emotions, resentment and anger, try to switch. You definitely need to discuss what happened with your husband and discuss plans for your future life together. Do not involve strangers in the conflict. The situation of infidelity has developed between the two of you, so the two of you should overcome it. Use the method of calm clarification of relationships.
Another effective method is the epistolary genre. Write a letter to your husband in which you express absolutely all your experiences and thoughts. Using this method, it is much easier to express your thoughts, explain your position and express everything you feel, which is practically impossible in a normal conversation. Dialogue based on emotions usually leads to disputes that give rise to the development of conflicts. Another advantage of this method is the relief that the process of writing a letter will bring. You can also seek professional help from a psychologist.
Family and Children
Before you run to the registry office and write an application for divorce, destroying your family, think about the children. They don't suddenly appear in your life. Nine months pass from conception to their birth. This time has been given to you to understand the upcoming changes in your family and mentally prepare for them. If previously spouses were the main thing for each other, now the child comes first. And the wife no longer has enough time and energy for her husband; everything is spent on the baby. And then there’s the notorious postpartum depression.
The advice of psychologists in this situation is simple:
- From the moment you find out that a new addition to your family is expected soon, begin to actively communicate with the children of your relatives, acquaintances, and friends. Get ready for their eternal “whys” and “whys.” Yes, these are not your children, but you will no longer know in theory, but in practice, what and how.
- When the wife goes on maternity leave, the husband becomes the main “breadwinner”. It is he who bears the responsibility for the financial well-being of the family. Remember this, dear men.
- Maternal instinct is a great thing. A woman, unlike a man, intuitively knows what her baby needs. With dads, things are a little more complicated. Dads, don’t be afraid to take your child in your arms, don’t be afraid to stay alone with him, relieving your wife of some of the daily worries - walking, bathing or feeding. This way you give her time to herself. This means that she will rest, smile more and be able to give more love and affection to her family, her husband, and her baby.
USEFUL INFORMATION: Advice from a psychologist: how to survive a divorce from your husband if you have children?
