In families, disagreements between spouses periodically occur, but these are everyday little things that can be aggravated by betrayal and lead to divorce. According to statistics, divorce after infidelity is one of the most common reasons for the destruction of marriages. Some families continue to exist, even after the infidelity of a spouse is revealed; everything here depends on the individual characteristics of each individual couple.
Reasons for my husband's cheating
Often a wife, having learned about the betrayal, does not understand her husband’s actions. After all, everything was going well in family life. It is worth noting that there are many reasons for a husband to cheat:
- routine (does not experience new sexual sensations with his wife);
- an attempt to assert oneself (if a man fails to move up the career ladder, he receives reproaches, but for his mistress he is strong and skillful);
- accident (one-time infidelity with a single woman on a business trip is not uncommon);
- revenge (if the wife cheated earlier, and the husband found out about it);
- social status (there are families in which cheating is considered the norm);
- cooling in relations with his wife (if there is no mutual understanding in the family, the man looks for it on the side);
- walking friends (men are often influenced by friends who cheat on their wives);
- temptation (perhaps he did not intend to cheat, but another woman seduced him).
Whatever the reason, it is not an excuse for cheating. If a woman finds out about such an act by her husband, she begins to look for a way out of this situation. Is infidelity a clear reason for divorce?
Reasons why infidelity does not lead to divorce
- The traitor admitted his guilt and received forgiveness from his other half.
- Free relationship between spouses. By mutual agreement, each of the couple receives freedom in their sexual life, they are satisfied with marriage and family relationships, but their temperament requires variety.
- One of the spouses is cheating, but does not want a divorce.
- One of the spouses knows about the other’s infidelities, but does not want a divorce.
Everything is purely individual; for some, betrayal is a betrayal that is extremely painful; the person falls into a stupor amid depression. For some, betrayal is a norm of life, an inevitable fact; experiences here may be minimal.
More often, marriages break up due to a man’s infidelity; divorce due to a husband’s infidelity is a more common occurrence. A particularly faithful and loving wife, who gave her husband years of life, bore him children and lives for the sake of the family, experiences betrayal most painfully; what a woman feels after a divorce for treason cannot be expressed in words.
Divorce, or is there another way out?
Most couples file for divorce due to infidelity. For some spouses, this is the best solution. But, as statistics show, many women tolerate their husbands’ infidelities in order to save their family. And this is not surprising. Every mother wants her child to grow up with a father. Perhaps the reason for this behavior lies in love, which persisted even after many years of marriage. In this situation, the reason that prompted the man to such an act is of no small importance. If this is a momentary weakness, you can forgive. As for constant betrayal, it’s hardly worth putting up with. There are often cases when it was a man who filed for divorce, having become seriously interested in another chosen one.
Forgiveness
It is not easy to forgive such humiliation as betrayal. Not every woman is capable of this. It happens that she says that she has forgiven, but in fact in her soul she feels resentment, anger and even hatred. As a result, the relationship with my husband will still not work out. If a wife forgives after cheating, it should come from the heart. Otherwise, nothing good will come of it. The relationship will still not work out; it is possible that the situation will repeat itself or it will turn out that the man himself could not stand it and filed for divorce.
Neutral solution
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Not every woman will be able to pretend after her husband’s betrayal that nothing is happening. But sometimes such cases occur. According to psychologists, such behavior is unacceptable. Resentment will still accumulate in the soul and one day it will spill out in the form of reproaches and, as a result, divorce is inevitable. In addition, if you constantly keep emotions to yourself, this is fraught with mental disorders. To improve the situation in this way without harming yourself, you need to have great patience and courage.
If you think about it, you can come to the conclusion that there is no betrayal in happy families. Perhaps you should think about divorce. But it is also worth remembering that a man, although he belongs to the stronger sex, is essentially weaker than a woman. If he sincerely repents, he should be given a chance and not rush to file for divorce. A wife should definitely consider this option if she wants to stay with her husband.
Spouse's betrayal revealed
Cheating on her husband brings unbearable suffering to a woman. The first thing you want to do after such news is to throw a scandal or hysteria. However, family psychologists advise doing something completely different . You should calm down a little and only after that try to sort things out.
In a fit of anger, you can do a lot of stupid things that both spouses will regret in the future.
Therefore, the best option would be to go to your parents, girlfriend, or somewhere where you can be alone with the problem and think about it properly.
Deciding to have sex with the first person you meet is simple revenge, which will bring nothing but emptiness and even greater disappointment.
There are only two possible scenarios that a woman should consider:
- forgive your husband and try to save the family;
- get a divorce and don't think about him anymore.
It is impossible to give universal advice on what to do and how to live after your husband’s betrayal. After all, every person is unique, and so is the situation. It is difficult to say who is in more pain: a woman who has no children, or one who has lived with her beloved for more than one year and has children in common with him. But those who have a child forgive more often and more willingly, so as not to traumatize the child’s psyche.
But is a marriage in which the foundation has completely collapsed really necessary? For an answer, you need to go to a psychologist who will help you understand the situation and make the only right decision.
Each option is difficult. If the spouse is the first to reconcile and tries in every possible way to make amends, then perhaps he repents, and it is still worth forgiving him. It is important to fully analyze the situation that caused the betrayal. Maybe the woman was overly jealous and pushed her husband to another?
But you shouldn't ignore your own intuition . If she tells you that you will never be able to forgive betrayal, then you should not try to save the family.
Mom, who forgave dad so as not to upset the children, is unlikely to be able to give him tenderness and affection. The tension will be so strong that sooner or later scandals will become constant companions of the family, and for children this is far from the best environment.
My husband doesn't leave
There are situations when it turns out that the husband himself filed for divorce after cheating.
But the opposite cases are also common. The wife finds out that she is betrayed by her husband, but he does not leave the family. He is satisfied with this situation, especially when the wife does not create scandals, but pretends that she knows nothing. This kind of attitude will not lead to anything good. The husband continues to go outside, at home he receives care and food, and his mistress has sex. If the husband did not file for divorce himself, in such a situation the wife must do so. She will have to go through separation, because it is not worth putting up with betrayal, especially when your significant other does not realize the seriousness of her own act.
It happens that a man leaves, but is in no hurry to get a divorce. This is not a reason to celebrate. This state of affairs will probably result in him returning and reconciling with his wife when he quarrels with his mistress. This is definitely not worth tolerating. Thus, if the husband does not leave, the woman must act on her own. Divorcing your husband is the best solution in such a situation. You need to survive it, start life from scratch, meet someone who is able to appreciate and love.
Rada Tselkovskaya
According to statistics, immediately after discovering infidelity, 19% of spouses get divorced. 75% of the remaining will divorce within 18 to 24 months. And if you also consider that infidelity happens in good marriages, and this does not save you from divorce, then a question arises. Why can't even a good marriage recover from cheating? After all, the spouses are really trying to restore the relationship, going on a second honeymoon, buying gifts, trying for months to be careful, helpful, loving, trying to compensate for what they lost.
But there is a reason. And many people don’t even know which one it is.
When it comes to long-term relationships - good = average . In other words, in marriage (as in many other areas of life), “good” produces ordinary, average results instead of excellent, exceptional results.
What is “average”? It's mediocre or run-of-the-mill. This doesn't mean that being in a successful marriage is bad. My point is that when it comes to marriage, "good" can be code for "mediocre."
The trap of mediocrity
- Mediocrity is convenient - you only need a minimum of effort. - Mediocrity is predictable - there is no spontaneity. -Mediocrity is safe - there is no risk. - Mediocrity is lazy - reduced energy. - Mediocrity is cheap - it requires a minimum of investment. “Mediocrity is unremarkable and can easily be copied.” “Mediocrity is non-exclusive—everyone can have it.” -Mediocrity is indifferent - it lacks passion.
Although mediocrity requires a minimum of effort, even this minimum is quickly exhausted. You may ask, what's the big deal in all this?
The connection is this: the first wish of couples whose relationship has been shaken by betrayal is “ for everything to be the same as before .” They want everything to return to normal, that is, before the betrayal was discovered.
Do you understand what this means? This means that for the most part they would like to go back, do the same things, say the same words, act and live the same, follow the old script, in general, create the same marriage that they already had and which led to a known result. It's no wonder that almost 80% of marriages fail.
Betrayal is like an earthquake. If a destroyed structure is restored, it will be just as vulnerable as before. If you want to feel safe in your new home, you will have to build it more durable.
It's the same in marriage. It is not enough to forgive, make peace and restore relationships. These are just the first steps. The next step (which many don't take) is the most important. It is necessary to rebuild the marriage and create a relationship that is immune to infidelity.
And this is where the fun begins. Based on the example of my work with couples who have gone through the experience of betrayal, this happens like this.
The partner who has been cheated on goes through all stages of rehabilitation, gets rid of negative emotions, obsessive thoughts, depressive states, relationships with the spouse are restored, betrayal is in the past, and in the present there is love, forgiveness, passion and hope for the best. And when I remind you that the most important stage lies ahead - the creation of strong relationships invulnerable to betrayal, everyone agrees, nods their heads that we need to work further, but with the caveat “Oh, now we feel so good, we really want to be in this state, we are so We’re so tired that we don’t want to do anything, so let’s have fun a little more and continue.”
Do you think there should be a continuation? As you might guess, only a few continue; the rest return after a couple of months with the same problems they came with the first time. And it went in circles, only much harder and more painful.
So if your marriage is rocked by infidelity, know this:
1. Minimal effort will not help. 2. It is not enough to restore, you need to rebuild, make it better, stronger and safer. 3. Doing it as well as it was is not enough; we need to make it better than it was. 4. And perhaps most importantly. Following the course your marriage has previously taken is pointless and stupid.
After cheating, marriage will never be the same. But this is not bad news, but good news. Bury the idea that the relationship you were used to was “so wonderful.” And bury the idea that a more passionate, loving, open and honest relationship is not available to you.
They are available to you!
Yes, betrayal destroys the agreement, but at the same time it makes it possible to conclude a new agreement. This is a turn sign on the road, not a sign for the end of the road. It means you just have to take a better road.
A couple who has been through infidelity needs a better marriage model, a better marriage map, relationship skills and strategies that help maintain the “good” that never stops growing and evolving.
How to survive betrayal
How to get rid of thoughts about cheating
Recovery after betrayal
How to tell your husband about divorce?
When the decision to divorce has been made, there is no point in delaying it. First you need to talk frankly with your husband, sort things out, talk about your feelings and intentions. It is necessary to explain why there is no point in saving the family. However, you shouldn’t throw tantrums and insult your spouse, because in such a state it won’t take long to quarrel without agreeing on anything. Most likely, after a frank conversation, the man realizes his mistake, but visits to his mistress are unlikely to stop.
If the first method did not help get rid of your husband, you will have to survive him using other methods. Of course, you shouldn’t burn your shirts or indulge in other similar trifles. It is enough to experience his presence. He must understand that the old relationship will no longer exist. From now on, food is prepared only for children, cleaning is done in all rooms except the one where the man lives, and his things are not involved in the washing process. Let the betrayed man feel like a tenant and understand that since he has chosen a different life for himself, his wife also has the right to organize her personal life.
When this method doesn’t work, all that remains is to put his things out the door. However, it is worth noting that such measures are drastic. In addition, there are many nuances. For example, a spouse is the owner of an apartment, then such actions are punishable by law. And, of course, scandals with your husband cannot be avoided. Thus, it is recommended to resolve everything amicably without making life difficult for each other.
The husband found out about the betrayal and filed for divorce. I don't want this.
After all, everything was going well in family life. Therefore, all this is of course individual and depends on the nuances of your situation, BUT there are such cases. It’s not for nothing that they say: “If you love, you will forgive!” Think again, think about it... Or maybe this is your fault? Did she get enough of your attention? Were the relationships in the family sincere and warm enough? After all, if everything was perfect, it’s unlikely that he would have done it! I wish that your situation is resolved the way it should be...
It is possible that everything that is done is for the better. Maybe she is THAT ONE - YOUR DESTINY! THANK YOU! Cheating - yes - is a matter that cannot be replayed, like in a computer game. Of course, there are all sorts of situations, but in any case, after what happened, the world will never be the same as it was before.
How to keep your husband?
The opposite situation cannot be ruled out. The husband cheated and wants a divorce from his wife, but she, even considering his betrayal, is unable to let go. At the same time, the woman is ready to be humiliated, she herself comes up with reasons for which she herself is to blame. Of course this is wrong. But what to do if it is impossible to survive separation from your husband after cheating?
In this case, there is only one way out - to become a better mistress. It was not for nothing that the husband became interested in this woman; something attracted him to her. Perhaps he admires her image or hairstyle. It's also worth looking at yourself in the mirror. Maybe everyday problems left their mark on your appearance? In this case, you must definitely visit a beauty salon and update your wardrobe. It is likely that, seeing his wife in a new look, the husband will be inflamed with his former passion.
I cheated on my husband, I regret it, I lost everything
Girls, good evening! I’ve been divorced for 3 months now, but I can’t come to my senses. My story with my husband probably began like many others. We were in our early 20s, graduating from college, falling in love and getting married. In 2 years, a daughter. We had our own housing, we lived financially without difficulties, but also without luxury. And one day, I realized that I was mired in my 32 g in everyday life, I added 10 kg, I’ve been wearing a gray-blond color for a long time (and I used to dye it copper, it suited me very well), I replaced my heels with comfortable shoes, clothes changed from beautiful to practical. Let's start teaching lessons, the kitchen is back, the husband is already without passion and with a tummy. And just on a business trip I met him. At the conference, he couldn’t take his eyes off me, then there was a buffet, a walk around the city. Exchanged phone numbers. and social networks. And a three-month correspondence began, we discussed everything from the weather to politics. It was very interesting to me. At the same time, I decided to take care of my appearance: I lost weight, did balayage, bought spectacular things. And before the new year, he is transferred to our branch. It all happened on our first day after work. Then I was swimming in emotions, attention, meetings. I was ashamed in front of my husband, but everything else outweighed. And so 3 months ago, we went home, saying at home that we were on a business trip (but actually to relax in Croatia) and it had to happen that my husband’s boss and his wife were also relaxing on the beach. This is necessary, 2500 km away. He saw everything, understood everything, and of course told his husband. There was a scandal at home, a divorce in a month. My mother-in-law told our daughter, and she just has the age of teenage maximalism of 14 years old, she went after her father, lives with them, she doesn’t want to know me. The apartment was exchanged, I now live in a communal apartment on the outskirts of Moscow and without my previous job. Instead of an advertising manager in a network company, I work as a consultant in a household appliances store, because 39 liters is already the 2nd grade on the labor market. My lover took me and fired me with a regular SMS message, he was afraid that everything would reach his wife. And only now, I understood WHAT it means to lose family and peace in the soul. How to survive, who had such an experience?
How to survive your husband's betrayal?
Sometimes, after the betrayal of a beloved man, life seems complete, nothing pleases and a woman has no idea how to survive separation from her husband after a divorce.
First of all, you need to calm down and put your thoughts in order. With hysteria it is impossible to adequately assess the situation. When a husband neglects his wife, it hurts. But you should also analyze your own actions; perhaps the reason lies precisely in them. When the initiative is taken by the husband, after the divorce the wife should not blame herself for all mortal sins. Only time will help you survive it. It is likely that this will be the one that will put everything in its place. It may turn out that the relationship with your husband has already cooled down after ten or twenty years of marriage, and the family “idyll” lasted only out of habit. In this case, there was no point in continuing it anyway.
To survive a divorce, you need to unwind, not shut down and cry alone. Good options would be meeting with friends, moving to your parents, or traveling abroad. Perhaps time will pass and the spouse will decide that he made a mistake, he was better off with his wife and will ask to return to the family. Or maybe the woman herself will not want to return to previous grievances, so as not to experience betrayal again. One way or another, you need to remember that divorce is not a reason to be discouraged and stop enjoying life.
Attention! Due to recent changes in legislation, the legal information in this article may be out of date! Our lawyer can advise you free of charge - write your question in the form below:
What to do if your wife leaves for someone else?
One of the possible events could be the wife leaving her husband for her lover. Not only did she cheat, but she also insolently left for someone else. No one will like this. The husband is asked not to sort things out with his wife, moreover, not to try to make peace with her, since this will only humiliate him, which will hit his already wounded pride even harder.
If you need to sort things out with your wife in order to make a decision for yourself on what to do next, then you can arrange one meeting. Speak calmly and constructively with your wife, solving the problem, and not wanting to express everything you think about your wife:
- Does she want to continue the relationship with you?
- Does he repent of his betrayal?
- What prompted her to take this step?
- How does she intend to live next?
Conduct a conversation with your wife in such a way as to answer all these questions. This will allow you to understand for yourself what to do next, how much your wife needs you.
The worst possible scenario is that the husband has no knowledge that his wife is cheating, or, even worse, when everyone knows everything, but the husband does not leave, and the wife continues to wander to the left. In such a situation, the wife will generally stop respecting her husband. If he knows and does nothing to pacify his wife's ardor, then she will give herself free rein to act. And my husband’s horns will begin to grow even faster every day.
Therefore, if you cannot forgive your wife or she herself does not want to maintain your relationship, then it is better to get a divorce. Let her go to another man who will enjoy her wonderful behavior and character qualities. Understand that a wife can cuckold her lover in the same way as she did to you. Since lovers want to be together, then you shouldn’t interfere with their happiness. And you will have a chance to find a more faithful woman.
