Divorce of parents and its impact on the child’s psyche: what to do and how to help the child get through difficult times?

Divorce is a very difficult emotional event not only for adults, but also for children, so before you break the bad news to your child, you need to seriously prepare. Despite the difficult relationship, parents must find the right approach and calmly present information.

Unfortunately, family breakdown is not a rare occurrence, and a pressing question arises: how to help a child survive their parents’ divorce? Each baby is an individual with his own developed character, perception of the world and emotional state.

According to statistics, many children who learn about their parents’ divorce suffer serious psychological trauma. Resentment and anger towards parents and himself may appear, because he begins to suffer and look for the cause of quarrels and divorce in himself and his disobedience or bad behavior.

Parents who decide to talk about the divorce should not go into details and the reasons for their separation, since the child, due to his age, perceives everything differently. It is important to let him understand that his future life will not change, and he will continue to be loved. Both parents need to be involved in the conversation.

How to tell your child about divorce

First of all, you need to know that you should not talk about divorce with a child under 3 years old. At any other age it is necessary. It is important to carefully think through the speech and be aware that this conversation will remain forever in the child’s memory. Whispers and negotiations behind your back are worse than an honest conversation. Children feel everything, but under such conditions, anxiety and fear will grow much faster. So, how to tell your child about divorce.

1. Before talking, spend time with your child, set him up for interaction and a positive mood (play, take a walk).
2. The conversation should take place in a calm atmosphere, in calm tones.
3. Choose a convenient time and place. Do not speak casually, in a hurry, in public.
4. It is not recommended to conduct a conversation when the child is ill, tired or in another unfavorable condition.
5. It is good if both parents have the conversation (provided that they can maintain respect and correctness towards each other and towards the child). If the parents are hostile, it is better for one parent to have the conversation.
6. It is enough for a small child to simply say that dad will no longer live with you, but will sometimes come to visit, and you will go to grandma.
7. Tell an older child honestly about the situation in the family, but at the same time focusing on a favorable future (even if you yourself are not sure at this moment). “Dad went north” is not the best wording. Sooner or later you will be caught in a lie, which will undermine your credibility.
8. In a good-natured voice, describe to your child the future prospects of what your life will look like. This is necessary to reduce his fear of uncertainty. Answer all questions. Describe how and with whom the child will communicate. Remember that you are not just talking about divorce, but rebuilding the child’s just destroyed world (creating a frame).
9. Respond appropriately to your child's reaction. Calmly accept the anger and tears. Pet him or let him be alone.
10. Make it clear that you are divorcing each other, but not the child. If contact with the parent is not possible (the parent does not want), then say something like “dad can’t meet with you now, but he loves you very much.”
11. Talk about the new social status of the child and family. Explain that there is no need to be ashamed of this.
12. Allow your child to experience and live through the sadness. There is no need to appear strong.
13. If the child has the right to choose who to stay with, but he needs help, then invite a psychologist (you need an objective person).
14. A separate vote is given to the parent who leaves. It is important to convince the child that he is not to blame. They are not leaving him or their mom (dad), it’s just the circumstances. But you love him very much and will always be in touch. The last thing you want is to leave, but there is no other option.
15. Both parents should stick to the same thread of conversation and language.
16. Remember that at the time of conversation you are not explaining your reason for the disagreement, but are speaking for all of humanity (your child also has yet to start a family).
17. It’s good if the conversation takes place on the weekend. Or, the next day, release your child from school (kindergarten) so that your child can come to his senses a little.

You should understand that even the most competent conversation will not save you from further problems. You need to be prepared for the child’s possible quarrels with peers or you, stubbornness, refusal of usual activities and other normative reactions.

At such moments, a “rollback” in development often occurs. That is, for example, a child who has recently learned to use the potty may forget how to do so. Older children show signs of young child behavior. The child’s increased vigilance is also noted: are all the toys in place, is the mother nearby?

Decline of the child's social scripts

What happens to children immediately after divorce? They seem lost and confused - this is especially true for the period from 5 to 7 years. Their behavior is disrupted, their emotions become labile (mobile), their behavior is unstable in all situations: at home, on the street, at school. And there is nothing strange about this: when such drastic and serious changes occur in the lives of children, they simply lose that little understanding of what is happening that they have already mastered.

Children may have the impression that their usual life and actions have become impossible, incorrect and inapplicable in the new situation. Let’s say that before the world in the child’s eyes was clear: the father came home from work in the evening, the family had dinner, then watched a movie, and at 21 o’clock the child was put to bed - now the situation is completely different. This is why behavioral disorders arise: children doubt the old rules and test them to see if they work. In such situations, the child may hear from the mother: “I know that you are worried that dad does not come home, but you still need to go to bed, because tomorrow is school.” Teachers can also provide significant support, gradually redefining the requirements of school and class for the child, providing him with all possible support.

Children who have suffered such serious damage from their parents' divorce are likely to relearn social expectations and rules. Such children often remain for the second year, or end up in special schools or psychiatric hospitals to correct the emotional disorders that have arisen. Does this happen for purely psychological reasons in two-parent families? - rarely.

Moreover, in such children the likelihood of developing a psychosomatic illness sharply increases due to serious stress.

Please note that regardless of the reason for the divorce, regardless of the gentleness of the divorce process, the child always (absolutely and without exception) finds himself in the position of a victim!

Positive and negative factors for a child to overcome divorce

Children experience divorce as much as spouses, if not more. It is difficult to predict a child’s specific reaction to the news of a divorce in advance. It depends on:

• child's age;
• personal characteristics;
• subjective perception of family relationships (were the parents happy or not) before the divorce;
• Parents' ability to control their emotions and create a psychologically supportive and safe environment for the child.

The most common mistake is to assume that if a child is silent and behaves as usual, then the divorce has not affected him. A child always has a hard time experiencing changes. Going through a divorce is faster and easier if:

• the parent with whom the child remains is emotionally stable;
• the possibility of full communication with the departed parent is preserved;
• the positive, at least adequate, nature of the relationship between the former spouses prevails.

Divorce statistics

Unlike Soviet times, nowadays divorces have ceased to be something discussed and condemned. There are fewer and fewer official marriages and more and more civil ones. “Cells of society” are bursting across the country like soap bubbles, and statistics give frightening figures - from 65 to 70% of marriages break up for one reason or another. What is typical is that “young” marriages are dissolved more often and faster, while people who have been married for more than 15-25 years rarely take such a drastic step and put an end to the relationship.

How does divorce affect a child?

Against the backdrop of parents' divorce:

• 37.7% of children have decreased academic performance;
• 19.6% have problems with discipline;
• 17.4% of children suffer from lack of attention;
• 8.7% run away from home;
• 6.5% have conflicts with friends.

The reaction to divorce also depends on the gender of the departed parent, the gender of the child, and the behavior of the parents individually and in interaction. The most popular children's reactions to their parents' divorce:

• shock, rejection (occurs against the background of the child’s ignorance of family problems and confidence in the happiness of father and mother);
• anger, hostility (usually directed at one of the parents, whom the child considers to be responsible for the breakdown of the relationship);
• guilt, self-condemnation (father or mother leaves not the spouse, but the child, because he is tired, upset and has generally become a bone of discord).

It is noted that children tolerate divorce worse if they remain living with a parent of the opposite sex. Typically, this is due to one of three possible reasons:

• projection of the parent’s negativity onto the child (for example, the mother is angry with the father, but he left, and the son stayed - the son gets it);
• accepting the blame (the father has left, but the son, identifying himself with him, feels guilty);
• solidarity (the son shares the father’s negativity towards his mother, but is forced to live with her).

However, during adolescence, the gender of the parent is not so important. It is noted that more often than not, both girls and boys experience more behavioral problems when staying with their father. Perhaps this is explained by the criticality of age itself, which is superimposed by the crisis situation of divorce and the busyness of the father (lack of control).

But interpersonal relationships, as a rule, develop worse with the parent who does not live with the family. In 90% of cases, children remain with their mother, which means their relationship with their father suffers.

The statistics, unfortunately, are not reassuring. There is a tendency for fathers to gradually distance themselves, even if at the beginning they tried to maintain a relationship with the child. First, dad acts as a visiting father, then a Sunday father, and then a “holiday” father. It is noted that after 10 years of divorce, 80% of fathers may not contact each other for years.

Reactions to divorce by age

As I already mentioned, the child’s age is one of the main components of the reaction. As a rule, these age-related reactions persist, but depending on the personal characteristics of the child and the behavior of the parents, they can take different forms.

Up to three years

Children under 3 years of age tolerate divorce better than others, provided that the mother controls herself emotionally and behaviorally. The child cannot rationally perceive the mother’s reactions, but he feels them, which can result in somatic disorders (sleep problems, fears, whims). Cognitive processes are reduced, and developmental delays are sometimes observed.

From three to six years

Preschoolers are characterized by a feeling of guilt and self-deprecation. The egocentrism characteristic of this age is unsatisfied (attention is occupied by the process of divorce). In addition, children of this age do not yet know how to establish cause-and-effect relationships. And if a child has ever observed arguments between parents about upbringing (or even finances for a child), then he chalks it up to his own account. Unfortunately, divorce at such a time is always the most traumatic event. Children suffer from depression, low self-esteem, and lack of imagination.

Seven to eight years

The main reaction is aggression, moreover, towards both parents. Caused by the child’s tension (school, taking on a new social role, striving to be significant).

Ten to eleven years

Resentment and a feeling of uselessness, abandonment are reactions of this age. At this time, adolescence begins. Public opinion becomes extremely important to children. There is resentment and anger towards the parents, shame for the dysfunction of the family. Children try to hide their parents' divorce from friends and teachers.

Thirteen to eighteen years old

The crisis situation of divorce is superimposed on a teenage identity crisis. The loss is felt. But the advantage of age is the child’s ability to establish cause-and-effect relationships and clearly imagine his relationship with each parent.

Thus, the older the child, the better strategies for coping with difficult situations he has. At the same time, it has been noted that boys of early adolescence and pre-adolescence experience divorce more difficult and longer than girls of the same age.

Adolescence is the most dangerous in another way: the risk of the collapse of the image of romantic love. In itself, this is a period of self-determination, assimilation of gender and social roles, and the search for love.

• Older teenagers compensate for divorce by deepening relationships with peers or finding older mentors.
• Younger teenagers experience more emotional problems (the collapse of love), which often results in sexual deviations (promiscuity, early sexual intercourse), distrust of people (especially the opposite sex) and the world.

Reaction by gender

• Girls more often experience divorce “in themselves,” but there is decreased performance, rapid and frequent fatigue, tearfulness, irritability, depression, and refusal to communicate. Sadness and resentment predominate. As a way of manipulation - complaints about ill health (against the background of healthy games with peers).
• Boys more often take their experiences out into the open in the form of provocative and antisocial behavior (theft, swearing, running away from home). Anger and aggression predominate.

The older the child, the more noticeable are the age-related characteristics of the reaction to divorce.

Why did the child become uncontrollable?

If your child after a divorce began to behave provocatively, asocially, aggressively, then there is only one answer - he lacks attention, love, care, emotional support and communication. The child is driven by feelings of rejection, anxiety, worthlessness, uselessness, and fear. He's going through a divorce.

The worst idea in this case is to put pressure on the child, punish, beat, scold. This will create a vicious circle. For, as a rule, the antisocial behavior of a child is based on the inappropriate behavior and condition of the parent:

• anxiety;
• fear;
• blaming a child;
• aggression;
• stress from overwhelming educational responsibilities;
• feeling of personal failure;
• excessive demands on the child and his independence (due to the parent’s lack of time);
• inconsistency and authoritarianism of education.

In an incomplete family, it is important to avoid upbringing according to the “family idol” type (raise a despot, a lazy person, an infant), hypo-custody and hyper-custody. Each of these styles causes deviations in the behavior and development of the child.

Aggressive behavior in children who have experienced parental divorce

According to the observations of psychologists, children 2.5-3.5 years old showed a reaction to divorce in the form of crying, sleep disturbances, addiction to their own things, toys, and decreased cognitive processes.

The behavior of children aged 3.5-4.5 years when their parents divorce becomes more embittered, aggressive, and anxious. Boys at this age experience separation from adults more acutely than girls. This can be explained by the fact that during this period there is an accelerated assimilation of stereotypes of male role behavior, and the departure of the father interrupts this process.

Children aged 5-6 years showed greater aggressiveness, anxiety, and irritability. Aggressive behavior in children who have experienced a parental divorce is explained by the fact that children of this age category already have a fairly good idea of ​​what changes in their lives occur when adults separate; they are already able to describe them and talk about their experiences. Such children do not experience pronounced changes in development or decrease in self-esteem. Among them, the girls' father's departure is more acute for them.

The only child in the family, regardless of age, experiences the departure of one of the parents more acutely. The reaction of divorce to parents of children who have a brother or sister is easier because, no matter how strange it may sound, they have the opportunity to take out their anxiety or aggression on each other, which reduces their emotional stress, and this is less likely to lead to nervous breakdowns.

Problems of children and mistakes of parents

The situation of divorce is aggravated for the child when parents, carried away by sorting out the relationship, forget about him and drag him into their “counterparts” (manipulation, bribery, etc.). I suggest you get acquainted with the most popular and unforgivable, child-destroying mistakes of parents and possible problems during divorce (see tables below).

Table 1: Parents' mistakes during divorce

Table 2: Issues related to children in divorce

Helpful tips for moms and dads when breaking up a relationship

You should not think that if the parents’ divorce was not accompanied by a showdown and conflicts, then the children’s psyche will not suffer. For a little person, the breakdown of a family is a tragedy that not everyone can cope with on their own. To avoid going to a psychologist and hurt a child’s soul less, adults should adhere to the following recommendations:

• Do not disrupt the previous way of life that preceded the divorce. It is important not to break off relations with your spouse, no matter how difficult the communication may be. For the sake of children's health, you can peacefully communicate with each other for several hours a week. It is advisable to draw up a schedule of visits and strictly adhere to it. Over time, children will get used to the fact that their parents live separately;
• Don't dwell on your own suffering. The child’s psyche will not benefit from a secluded lifestyle that the “offended” party falls into. Both adults and children will benefit from active pastime that relieves the head of sad thoughts;
• Don't run away from problems. Very often the “offended” party adheres to the rule: “out of sight, out of mind.” And the best way to avoid communication with your ex-spouse is to change your place of residence. Perhaps this method will help adults solve emotional problems, but the child’s psyche will only suffer more from the move;
• Don't forget about family holidays. It is important for children to celebrate the New Year or celebrate another birthday with the entire family. Therefore, ex-spouses should spend all children's holidays together.

Divorce is a difficult experience not only for adults, but also for children.

Spouses must minimize the consequences of their decision and do everything possible to ensure that their separation does not traumatize the psyche of younger family members.

Attention! Due to recent changes in legislation, the legal information in this article may be out of date! Our lawyer can advise you free of charge - write your question in the form below:

Patterns of parental relationships

There are 5 models of relationships between parents after divorce:

1. Great comrades. Former spouses are interested in each other's lives and communicate at least once a week. As a rule, they were friends before marriage and were able to remember only positive moments after it. Of course, communication with the child is unhindered. This is the best option for a child.
2. Collaborating colleagues. An average level of communication and interaction is typical. They can clearly separate marriage from parenthood.
3. Angry allies. Interaction at an average level, low communication skills. They are tense, formal in communication, and can resolve issues regarding raising children in a business-like manner. They do not know how to resolve conflicts constructively.
4. Ardent enemies. It is difficult to break dependence on each other (I love and hate). They communicate little, through the courts.
5. Broken duet. Absolutely no contact people. The child does not communicate with the departed parent.

The most favorable for the child are the first two types of parental relationships.

Negation

Usually occurs in young children, or in those children who are used to always achieving what they want. When faced with an inevitable negative change in life for the first time, many of them refuse to believe in it, which leads to the dissolution of the child’s imaginary world and the reality around him. And this is very bad, because children (and many adults too) usually value their fictional world very much and react very sharply to its collapse.

For example, denial may well become the launching pad for the two above stages. But this is not the worst case yet; moreover, such a change will be clear progress. After all, if you allow the situation to start, you can well expect severe mental and emotional trauma at the moment when the child can no longer deny reality. To understand the situation, we are talking about complete destabilization of the psyche, which may well lead to long-term problems in the future.

Fortunately, this is easy to deal with, although for loving parents it will be an unpleasant procedure. It is recommended to confront the child with reality as often as possible, no matter how unpleasant this reality may be. Believe me, by doing this, you can avoid many other problems in the future.

Well, here’s some basic advice: if you feel like you can’t cope, contact a good child psychologist. The child will most likely hate him (or her), but will complete the task perfectly.

General recommendations for parents

Thus, it is possible to identify several supporting positions for parents to independently help their child overcome their divorce.

1. Report divorce together and in an age-appropriate manner.
2. Try not to lie.
3. Facilitate and encourage communication between the child and the departed parent.
4. Don't forget to devote time and attention to your child, and be interested in his personal life.
5. It is important for the parent with whom the children are left not to interfere with their growing up, not to be afraid of “losing” and not to strive to raise them to be dependent.
6. Try to minimize changes due to divorce. If possible, delay moving or changing educational institutions. Preserve your child’s hobbies and pets.
7. Do not try to involve your child in the divorce process, shift the responsibilities of the departed spouse onto him, or tell him your intimate experiences. Do not break the natural ties in the family. Before you say anything to your child, think: would you say this if there was no divorce, if your spouse were nearby? If not, then don’t talk now. Don't engage in "psychological incest"! Don’t say phrases like “we don’t need anyone, we have each other.”
8. Don't pit the child against the other parent. In this case, he loses both parents at once. And not because everyone believes in the worthlessness of the other (although sometimes he does), but because respect for you disappears.
9. Stubbornness is the most popular defensive reaction among children going through divorce. Apart from the fact of divorce, what is your child protected from? Always control your condition and behavior. Children feel and understand everything, but cannot always explain. And, of course, their behavior is always the result of your attitude and behavior.
10. Don't feel guilty towards your child and don't blame him. Maintain emotional contact, create a physically and emotionally safe atmosphere.
11. Hug, praise your child more often, tell him that you love him.
12. Try to maintain your child’s usual daily routine and routine.
13. Watch your health. What’s good for the child is good for you (do not think that this includes the illusory “goodness” of alcohol or a riotous lifestyle).
14. Be patient. Don't take it out on your child.
15. Allow him to fantasize about a family reunion, but don't feed those illusions.
16. Create a clear communication schedule with the visiting parent and always follow it. The child needs at least some kind of consistency and a clear guideline in this difficult situation. Regularity matters more than frequency.

“After a divorce, children should live with the parent who respects the former partner more in the children” - Bert Hellinger, German psychotherapist.

Recommendations for visiting parents

1. Accept new conditions.
2. Give your child more positive emotions than before.
3. Plan your day with your child in advance. Make the most of every day.
4. Come at the same time, regularly.
5. Don't miss the most important and meaningful days for your child, change your plans. You rarely see each other anyway. You should be there for significant events.
6. Do not be overly pliable, do not fall for the child’s manipulations. Don't go from authoritative parent to "genie."
7. Remember that communication is always more important than gifts. Don't pay off.
8. Be interested in your child's needs and hobbies.
9. Be supportive and supportive. The child should know that in a difficult situation he can always come to you.
10. If your child sees your relationship with your new family, try to be as correct as possible.
11. Don't demand love from your new family, but demand respect for your choice. If the child is still small, then it is better to simply avoid such meetings.

Interesting fact: half of fathers want to see their child at least once a week, but only 20% of mothers think this is possible. The majority are generally against meetings.

Some statistics on the topic: only 10% of fathers are ready to fully perform educational functions, 80% are bought off with gifts (alimony), 10% hide from their children.

New mom, new dad, or what then?

Separately, I would like to consider the issue of concluding new marriages or starting a new cohabitation. Sometimes this happens along with divorce. The reaction of children to their stepfather/stepmother depends on:

• age and gender of the child;
• family history;
• relationship with the parent entering into marriage;
• type of family upbringing.

Younger and older teenagers experience a new marriage worse, while early and preschool children experience it better. Younger teenagers perceive a new person as a competitor, preschoolers - as another competent adult, children of older adolescence - as the choice of their parent (tolerant). Girls cope worse than boys with a parent's new marriage.

It is necessary that the stepmother/stepfather does not try to take the role of the child’s natural parent. You need to try to take a separate place in the child’s life (senior comrade, friend, support).

Factors in which a child does not accept a new marriage:

• aggravated divorce, parental mistakes, children's problems;
• problems in the relationship between a child and a parent, a parent and a parent, a parent and his or her spouse’s new partner;
• the reluctance of the new spouse to accept the whole family, and not just his partner;
• adaptation of spouses to each other and new roles, changed family structure;
• the birth of a common child (it is important not to express differences in the upbringing of a common child and children from the first marriage);
• unfinished psychological divorce of parents.

The basis for a child’s acceptance of a new family member is a positive relationship between the child and the parent (it is important to successfully overcome the divorce), trust and mutual understanding, common interests, and joint activities. The task of the new family member is to find a common language with the child, but not to pretend to be a parent (not to expect the same attitude).

The essence of the problem

When faced with divorce, married couples, as a rule, willy-nilly forget about the real well-being of their children. Both parents are interested in the formal part of the question: “I want my child to live with me” - this is how most court requests regarding divorces are formed. The result is an unenviable situation: the child literally becomes a rag, which each parent diligently tries to pull over himself, forgetting that fabric is not the most durable material.

What's worse is that most parents begin to manipulate the decisions of their children, especially young ones. But the spouses themselves, unfortunately, do not understand this. Asking a child who he wants to live with is the craziest thing an upset couple can do.

What happens to the child? What are his experiences and emotions, his states and desires? Unfortunately, it is “usual” to forget about this during litigation. Today we will look at three aspects of the divorce process from the children's perspective. So here they are:

1. psychological component of divorce;
2. destruction of social stereotypes and scripts in children;
3. the phenomenon of mixed marriage or “replacement” of a relative.

Let's start with a problem that is close to the author - the psychological side of divorce.

Epilogue

Divorce is a traumatic situation for a child. You cannot avoid shock, but you can help overcome it and minimize risks. The task of parents is to create emotionally, psychologically and physically comfortable conditions for the child. Surround with attention and love, but do not cultivate the image of a child.

In especially severe cases, consult a psychologist. Depending on the age, art therapy, fairytale therapy, games, symbols, and drama are used to help children overcome divorce.

A common and erroneous opinion of parents is that the child does not understand anything, and until school age one may not say anything at all about the impending divorce (or even the one that has taken place). Children begin to feel the tension long before the parents themselves realize the need for a divorce.

Please do not forget about the child during divorce. He didn’t make this decision, so at least give him the right to know the specifics of the current situation. And if possible, do not deprive him of his second parent. Protecting a child in a crisis situation, such as divorce, is an immediate parental responsibility. Remember that you are not just spouses, you are parents!

Consulting a child psychologist

Quite often, young families break up and, due to their inexperience, parents are unable to find the right words so as not to harm the fragile psyche of their child.

A psychotherapist will definitely give advice, teach and help you find an approach, regardless of the nature of the children and their emotional state.

Sometimes psychological help is required not for the correct presentation of information, but to reduce the emotional trauma of a teenager.

For preschool children, assistance is based on the following methods:

• play therapy;
• art therapy;
• fairytale therapy.

Understanding

A complete understanding of the situation is very rare and usually happens only among teenagers, and even then, only when the divorce takes place quietly and for reasons that are understandable to them. In most cases, the best you can hope for is acceptance. And usually accompanied by a reluctance to talk about divorce.

This situation is very easy to confuse with denial or even early manifestations of apathy. The first is checked by the usual question: “Do you understand that mom (or dad) will no longer live with us?” and assessing the child’s reaction. The second is by observing him. If divorce is the only topic he avoids, but at the same time he understands what is happening, this is normal. If not, see point 1.

And even in those rare cases when your child fully understands what is happening, do not try:

• hang your problems on him. Find other “ears”, the child has enough problems as it is.
• forgive influencing the other parent. Believe me, in most cases he will not like this proposal.
• leave him alone. Children, even the smartest ones, have an amazing ability to build illogical chains. Having lost the attention of parents, even a child who fully understands the situation can successfully regress into any of the stages described above.