How to survive a divorce from your wife, if you have children, if you still love

The process of official divorce, regardless of who initiated the breakup, is unpleasant. However, it is most difficult for a man in a situation when he is abandoned, and he is unable to do anything to save his family. “How to survive a divorce from your wife?” - this question worries representatives of the stronger sex who find themselves in a situation of family breakdown, no less than the fair half of humanity.

Do husbands regret separation?

Divorced men are a heterogeneous category, so the feelings they experience are determined by the circumstances of the breakup.

If divorce is initiated by the spouse

The reaction in this case is the most painful. Even despite the outward emotional restraint characteristic of most men, it is noticeable that such an outcome is unpleasant for them.
But whether the abandoned husband will have regrets will depend on the strength of love. If feelings have long cooled down, and only habit remains, supported by everyday comfort, then such an individual will not regret the separation for a long time.

If, having lost a woman, a man realizes that he loved her very much, and despite everything, his feelings remained, then the pain of separation will affect his life for a long time even after the official dissolution of the marriage.

If they break up due to their own fault

If the relationship is terminated on the initiative of the spouse, then most often there are no regrets about what was done. However, there are exceptions.

For example, having gone to their mistress, some expect that the love “euphoria” will never end, but in practice they discover that the other woman has her own shortcomings. Then a feeling of regret for what was lost arises.

Even if such a man does not (or cannot make) an attempt to renew his relationship with his ex, he begins to believe that his first wife was better, and he made a mistake by breaking up a completely successful marriage.

Psychological attitudes.

Since for a man to survive a divorce from his wife using only antidepressant manipulations with his own consciousness, it is necessary to cleanse it, since in the future, at the first failures, it will return pictures to the marital past, causing a feeling of regret and melancholy. Also, you will not be able to control your emotions when meeting with your ex, if these meetings are necessary (in the case of protracted trials and when you are with your child).

The most effective method of dealing with emotional outbursts arising from external influences is to continuously immerse yourself in this sphere of influence, that is, if you feel discomfort when meeting your wife, force yourself to spend more time with her without second thoughts. Gradually, the outbreaks will become less noticeable and will have less impact on physiology, and you will be able to spend quality time with your child. If there is no need to see your ex-wife, then this clause is not mandatory.

As for thoughts about the past, at this stage you will stop reacting to them emotionally.

How to painlessly survive a divorce from your wife if you still love?

The old truth says that love not only warms, but also burns.
Therefore, men for whom divorce means separation from their beloved suffer especially severe psychological trauma. Some bring themselves to such a state that they will no longer recover without the help of specialists. At an early stage, you should pull yourself together and listen to at least some recommendations from psychologists:

you should occupy all your free time with work, sports and other hobbies, interesting events, travel and meetings;
during the recovery period it is better to give up alcohol so as not to do anything stupid;
do not try to knock things out with wedges (i.e. do not start a new novel);
analyze the reason for the breakup;
pull yourself together and get rid of feelings of resentment and anger, forgive the offender.

If previous attempts to return your wife were unsuccessful, then a pause is necessary, which will give both parties time to think and weigh everything.

Divorce rules for men: advice from a psychologist

Anyone who believes that the stronger sex leaves a relationship with, at worst, slightly frayed nerves, knows nothing about it. The male soul is sometimes shaken by such cataclysms that the pain from them can be felt physically. Women are luckier in this regard: increased emotionality is their curse, but also their outlet. A divorced wife can cry, roll on the floor in hysterics, tear out her hair, and no one will judge her for it, because the poor thing feels so bad! A husband who drops a stingy tear into a glass of vodka will only receive a friendly clap on the shoulder and advice not to lose his temper. The whole problem is that boys are taught from childhood that men don’t cry. And then we get whole crowds of people who don’t know how to express their emotions. Which, by the way, is extremely harmful not only for mental well-being, but also for physical health. It’s not for nothing that sensitive ladies, according to statistics, live a couple of decades longer than reserved men! Error: withdraw into yourself, remain silent and try to cope with the pain alone. This behavior is fraught with a nervous breakdown and deep depression. Good idea: find a way to express your emotions. If you need to cry, cry. Even brutal men are not forbidden to do this once or twice. If you want to scream, go out into nature, away from prying ears, and scream until your throat hurts. If you want to let off some steam, buy a punching bag and hit it until you feel better. It’s best to do this not alone, but in the company of a friend who will listen, understand and support you, without issuing cliched slogans from the series “You’re a man” and “Get it together, you rag.” This is not what you need right now. If you have absolutely no one to talk to, sign up for a session with a psychologist. Firstly, you can be completely frank with him, since talking with a stranger is always easier than with someone you know well. Secondly, get practical advice, which is already a lot.

You can tell a specialist about your problems without fear of condemnation.
What is the surest way to drown grief that men have used since time immemorial? That's right, alcohol. True, this “psychologist” in a bottle makes you pay for his consultation with headaches and hangovers, and sometimes with increased aggression, memory loss and suicidal thoughts. Error: embark on a pilgrimage to nearby clubs and taverns in search of peace of mind. So sooner or later you will find yourself violently knocking down your ex-wife's door or find yourself in a worse situation. Good idea: find something useful to do. Hobbies, traveling and meeting with friends will help you get distracted without the risk of meeting the well-known “squirrel” in person, provided that they do not end up in banal drinking sessions. It is even more advisable to set a specific goal, the achievement of which will require serious effort, and systematically move towards it. For example, rise to the next career level within six months. Or turn your cluttered garage into an exemplary one in a couple of weeks. Or... Think for yourself what you have been planning to do for a long time, but never got around to it.
Try to find an activity that does not require privacy. Most likely, right now you don’t want to meet anyone at all, but you will have to make an effort on yourself. Avoid loneliness; in peace and quiet the temptation is too great to fall back into memories and soul-searching.
After a divorce, some men take the “I didn’t really need you” attitude and set out to find their next girlfriend. Early! It is extremely difficult to establish successful relationships before the old ones have completely receded into the past. You will inevitably begin to compare the new woman with the previous one and either find non-existent shortcomings in her - if you still love your wife - or idealize her if you parted with your wife on bad terms. In any case, the hasty romance will not end with anything other than a new break. Unless you're very lucky. Error: start a relationship to spite your wife. Ruin the life of both yourself and your new passion, who in this situation will become an innocent victim of your showdown with your ex. Good idea: temporarily limit contacts with the female sex, except for purely friendly and business ones. You don't need to go celibate, but taking some time off definitely won't hurt.

Give yourself time for your emotions to cool down and your soul to calm down.
There are husbands who simply deny the fact that everything is over between him and his wife. Even an official notice of divorce does not force them to come to terms with reality, because such a man is sure that if he puts in the effort, his wife will come to her senses.
Mistake: continue to pursue your ex-partner, give her gifts, bombard her with messages of love, involve your wife’s parents and friends in the matter and watch for her at the entrance.
A good idea: admit that your family boat crashed against the rocks, let your spouse go in peace and set off under a new sail towards your future happiness.
To make your task easier, remove from the house all the things left by your wife, as well as your common photographs and small souvenirs: magnets from joint trips, personalized keychains, mugs. Clear your home of memories, otherwise your separation will be long and painful.
If a woman initiates a divorce, male pride receives a noticeable prick. Just a tripe! I just want to remember to the “traitor” all the mistakes she committed in her family life, to sting with a poisonous word, to do something nasty...
Mistake: going into an open conflict with your ex-wife, smearing your wife’s name at every crossroads and accusing her of the seven deadly sins.
Good idea : try to maintain the best possible relationship with the woman you once fell in love with. Who knows how life will turn out? Perhaps someday one of you will do the other a serious favor! If the lady herself is trying to cause a scandal, stay distant and cool. Respect yourself.
Read also: How to get a report on how child support is spent?
Bonus: a little psychological trick to get out of despondency as quickly as possible. Take a piece of paper and write down in detail on it all the advantages of your single existence, and then put the sheet in a visible place. In the following days, remember to re-read and add to your list from time to time until the pros in your subconscious outweigh the cons of divorce.
Have you heard the fairy tale about the prince who lived happily ever after, fished for pleasure, drank beer by the liter, laid out socks and bulls where he wanted, freely communicated with friends, recklessly started novels - and all thanks to the princess who refused him in time? As they say, a fairy tale is a lie, but in it... well, you know.

Maybe you gained more from the divorce than you lost?

How to behave in case of divorce if there is a child?

If a family with children breaks up, this is the most difficult case. In this case, the man also has to worry about the problem of maintaining paternal closeness, because custody of minors is often given to the mother.

Living separately after a divorce is inevitable, so the first priority is to establish a “truce” for the sake of the psychological state of children, especially young ones. You should also immediately agree with your ex-wife on a schedule of visits with your children, and also urgently discuss the new realities of raising and providing for children.

Both parties should remember that it is unacceptable to involve children in situations involving a showdown . You also shouldn’t go to extremes and shower them with gifts or over-indulge them.

It is better to preserve the father’s presence in their lives as much as possible and constantly organize interesting joint leisure activities that evoke positive emotions.

And most importantly, do not forget to talk to the child that it is not his fault that the parents separated, and tirelessly explain that they love him equally much even after the divorce and will never leave him.

If the wife immediately begins to oppose meetings with the children, one should be prepared for the fact that the right to see the children will have to be defended in court.

The main stages of experiencing a divorce

Let's consider the stages of experience:

Defensive reaction

At first, the female psyche transmits a defensive reaction, the brain “numbs”. The body adapts to changes and experiences stress. Others may perceive shock as indifference. External indifference hides severe stress and the inability to comprehend what is happening. A natural defense reaction for the psyche trying to block pain. This is the reason that many women delay divorce - they not only give the relationship a chance, but also delay the moment of stress. The protective reaction gives the effect of “pain relief”. Understanding of the situation will come later - the event has already happened, it remains to be experienced.

Anger, resentment

At the second stage of trying to survive a divorce from her husband, the woman experiences resentment and anger. She remembers situations that resulted in the dissolution of the union, returning to them mentally, she suffers. Trying to understand what happened, she torments herself with questions. Anger may be directed toward the ex-husband or people who contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. Example: a family broke up due to the presence of a mistress. A woman is angry with her husband and homewrecker. She is looking for those to blame, because it seems easier for her to cope with the loss. The effect will be the opposite. Starting to spread feelings of anger, a woman transfers it to close people, and sometimes relationships deteriorate irrevocably. You need to act the other way around: don’t get annoyed with your loved ones, but seek their support. After outbursts of rage, be sure to ask for forgiveness from the people you offended: explain to them that you are going through a difficult period and cannot control your emotions.

Guilt

At the next stage, the woman feels guilty. It begins to seem to her: with different behavior, everything could have been different. She finds flaws in herself that contributed to the breakdown of the family. The feeling of guilt grows - instead of getting over the divorce from her husband and moving on, the woman reproaches and torments herself. Self-flagellation and justification of the husband begins, even if he was a traitor. The senselessness of self-accusation is not immediately realized.

Depression

The most difficult stage. The sensations are painful, the mental pain intensifies. The natural state for a woman going through a divorce. Lasts several weeks or months. If depression has lasted for more than six months, the help of a psychologist is needed.

Characteristic symptoms of this stage: severe internal pain or frequent crying. A woman tries to maintain contact with her ex-husband - mentally or in reality. In some cases, attempts are made to return the relationship, which is soon regretted.

An important point: symptoms that have become protracted require the attention of a specialist. Your goal is not suffering, but a return to normal life, a new happy relationship. Only by closing this door can another be opened.

Adoption

The most important and final stage that helps you finally get over the divorce from your husband. The woman feels relieved, tries to start living in a new way, she is not afraid of life without her former chosen one. The right goal emerges: to recover from the shock.

How to come to your senses and forget the woman you love who left for another man?

If the wife left not for her mother, but for her lover, then we can almost definitely talk about a final breakup. For the abandoned husband in this situation, it is important not to fall into despair and maintain self-esteem. Of course, a feeling of resentment and wounded pride can interfere with a correct assessment of the situation, but it is still necessary to try.

Psychologists recommend not to impose attempts at reconciliation and:

accept divorce as a fact and do not deny what happened;
analyze the situation and look at your ex-partner from a critical perspective;
give yourself some time to suffer, and then start solving some “global” problems (you can “conclude” a written agreement with yourself);
remove from your home all things that remind you of the past and avoid visiting places that evoke memories.

It is advisable to change your environment for a while and go on a short trip.

Test: can I overcome depression?

We have explained how to cope with a divorce from your wife, but some cases of depression can be clinical, so we recommend taking a test to find out whether you can cope with it on your own or not. Honest answers will give accurate results.

1. When you were young, did you have a group of friends who were “mountain” for you?

2. Is it difficult for you to overcome yourself?

3. Are you confident in yourself?

4. Do you consider yourself the master of your future?

5. Do you get very irritated when you experience discomfort?

6. Are there times when you feel like a stranger in society?

7. Do you often feel thirsty?

8. Have you ever been told that you are too hot-tempered?

9. Do you think someone can control your thoughts?

10. Is your weight constant? (doesn't increase or decrease?)

11. Do you often feel dizzy when you rise sharply?

12. Do you often quarrel with your family?

13. Do you always run to various kinds of meetings of people?

14. Are there times when you burst out laughing so hard that you can’t handle it for long?

15. Do you consider yourself a sane person?

16. Do you sometimes feel a state when your body is completely burning from the inside?

17. Do you hope that you will be able to build your career to the “ceiling”?

18. Do your hands shake when talking to someone?

19. Do you feel calm when alone?

20. Have you ever had dreams that it was better for no one to know about?

If you have any questions, you can write them in the comments. We wish you all the best!

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Do women return after cheating: statistics

Statistics show that 56% of women who left for someone else do not regret what happened. However, 44% regret the divorce. The last category is inclined to consider the option of restoring the family if the ex is ready to accept and forgive.

And the last thing is the most difficult, because you need to find the strength and wisdom in yourself to accept a woman after cheating and not stop wanting to be one with this person.

If a decision is made and the prodigal wife is given a second chance, one should forget about the betrayal and not even remember this incident in a joking manner.

Stages of experiencing divorce

How to survive a breakup with a loved one - advice from a psychologist

The divorce process has five stages of its experience:

Negation. One of the spouses refuses to accept the fact of divorce, trying in every possible way to delay the moment of signing the relevant documents. The female mind is capable of reacting to divorce in two ways. On the one hand, the woman does not believe that this is happening to her, on the other hand, she assures herself that “it’s okay, it happens to many people.” However, the second option at first is self-deception, during which the woman has not yet fully realized that family life has come to an end;
Resentment. After some time, empty aggression and resentment may begin, because when going through a divorce, a person becomes vulnerable. It is noteworthy that a woman can blame both herself and her husband for what is happening. In this case, you cannot suppress emotions; they need to be released, spoken out, and let off steam;
Bargain. On the one hand, a person has realized and practically come to terms with the fact of divorce, but on the other hand, he does not allow his partner to forget those moments of happiness that existed before. In other words, spouses put pressure on the psyche, manipulate or even threaten (property, children) just to keep the marriage from divorce;
Depression. Left alone with himself, a person indulges in self-flagellation, remembering all sorts of mistakes, quarrels, and insults. It seems that a divorced person can no longer live a decent life. At this stage, the duration of depression depends both on loved ones, understanding people, and on the person’s willpower.
Adaptation. During this period, people seem to learn to live again, develop new habits, communicate with new people in search of trust, and decide to make acquaintances. At some point, a person takes a deep breath and realizes what “freedom” is.

Negation

What can help you find the strength to move on after a breakup?

Divorced people, taught by bitter experience, continue to feel the consequences of divorce for a long time. Those who suffer especially are those who did not initiate the breakup and hoped until the very end for a favorable outcome. Both men and women feel a lot of negative emotions: anger, fear, pain, resentment.

However, they need to live on, and for this they need to find a new meaning in life. In any case, it should be remembered that the source of strength is in each of us, it just weakens a little in certain situations.

What will help you find and open internal reserves:

environment (relatives and friends);
motivational literature, cinema and other forms of art (just not tearful love stories);
spiritual and physical self-development (will help you become stronger in every sense of the word);
career (success will help you become more self-sufficient and distract you from worries);
caring for other people (for example, volunteering);
religion (just don’t join dubious sects).

If you want to start a new life, do not under any circumstances forget about your common children, because, despite the divorce, a normal father not only pays alimony, but also participates in the upbringing of his children.

In what cases is divorce from your husband a good thing?

Sometimes divorce occurs on the initiative of the wife, who cannot tolerate the unacceptable behavior of her husband. In this case, deciding to divorce can be difficult: thoughts about children make you doubt the correctness of the action. Experts in situations where the husband neglects the peace of loved ones for the sake of his weaknesses and desires, advise the following.

Alcoholic husband

It has long been known that alcoholism is a terrible disease that causes suffering not only to the patient himself, but also to his loved ones. While intoxicated, a person can show aggression, and therefore pose a danger to others. It is also not uncommon for people to lose their jobs and start drinking away their property due to their addiction. In addition, a father suffering from alcoholism cannot be an example for his children. Love for the “green serpent” has become the reason for the divorce of many married couples, because even the strongest love cannot withstand all the hardships of living with a person who constantly abuses alcohol.

Very often you can hear from women: “How can I get a divorce? We have children!” And it seems that the doubts of the wife and mother are understandable, but if you look from a different angle, the question arises: do children need to constantly witness drunken scenes and grow up in an unhealthy atmosphere?

How to proceed?

Get your priorities right. If you are inclined to save your family for the sake of your children, think about whether living with an alcoholic is good for them. It is likely that as adults they will follow in their father's footsteps. In addition, while intoxicated, husbands often become rowdy: they start scandals and even fights. Such behavior can cause serious psychological trauma to children. If your husband does not want to be treated for his addiction, do not try to save the family, even for the sake of the children. Your persistence will only make things worse for them.
Acknowledge your husband's illness. It will be easier to survive a divorce from an alcoholic husband if you admit the bitter truth: your spouse is seriously ill. There are only two scenarios for the development of events: treatment or final fall. The situation will not miraculously change overnight, no matter how much you want it to. Some women explain their husband’s behavior by a lack of attention and love on their part and try in every possible way to correct the mistake, sometimes even to give birth to another baby. However, such actions cannot correct the situation. If improvement occurs, it is only for a while. As a rule, the situation does not change. This fact is worth understanding and accepting.
Stop being afraid and doubting. Having decided to divorce your husband, firmly stand your ground, despite all the persuasion and promises from your spouse and even your own feelings. It is important to understand that you are on the threshold of a new, better life. It’s still not possible to change your husband without his desire, so go in the chosen direction. Once you realize that patience has come to an end, feel free to leave and know that you can survive the divorce with dignity.

Tyrant husband

A tyrant husband is another, extremely unpleasant problem from which the whole family can suffer. Such people strive to manipulate loved ones and completely control all their actions. Tyrant husbands torment their wives with nagging, let loose, limit freedom (both behavioral and financial), and are jealous for no reason. Children also suffer from a father who is excessively cruel. It is simply impossible to live in such an environment.

How to proceed?

As in the previous case, such behavior of the husband should be perceived as a kind of illness. The reasons in the overwhelming majority of cases should be sought in the childhood of the tyrant: as a rule, as children, they experienced bullying from family members. However, other events could have served as a trigger. The list is quite large, so you shouldn’t focus on it. Be that as it may, a tyrant husband is a person with a damaged psyche.

This behavior can only be corrected with the help of a qualified psychologist. However, not every person is ready to admit that he has such problems.

There is only one way out of such a situation - to survive a divorce from a tyrant husband. However, a woman needs to be prepared that getting a divorce will not be so easy. However, there is no other way out, since by continuing to maintain such a marriage, the woman jeopardizes the well-being of her own children. A husband who constantly shows cruelty, intimidates, only causes fear in children. In such an atmosphere, a child simply cannot grow up psychologically healthy. Your job as a mother is to rid your children of such harmful influences.

I can’t love anyone: psychological help for divorced men

After a breakup, many men find that they cannot love anyone. It seems that time has passed, and feelings have rested, and worthy contenders for the heart have appeared, but... The complex of emotions that poets call love does not arise.

This problem may even make me happy for a while (like, now no one will hurt me). But over time, a feeling of emptiness still appears, which weighs no less than unrequited feelings.

First you need to realize the problem and stop being afraid to love. Of great importance is the acceptance of the fact that feelings for a woman are not synonymous with pain and suffering, loss and the collapse of all plans. However, you shouldn’t dwell on the problem of lack of love.

Perhaps the time has simply not come, because until the emotional wounds heal, it will not be possible to establish a full-fledged personal life. Always be yourself and enjoy life. Only then will everything naturally fall into place.

Don't compare all women to your ex.

How to survive a divorce from your husband? Analysis of psychological state and treatment methods

Sadness, neurosis, waiting for a call or the usual SMS does not leave you alone. Men's everyday tasks force them to grab the phone to call their husband. But calling is a stupid idea, because the only way to survive a divorce from your husband is to distance yourself from him completely. To understand how to live on without returning to the past, the first thing you need to do is dump the emotional burden. To do this, it is necessary to logically explain and transform aspects of the behavior model that force you to be in a stupor. As a result, when thoughts and actions cease to be motivated in the name of the husband, you can start life from scratch, even with a child.

Experience regret

The first factor is regret about wasted energy, time, nerves and other irreplaceable non-physical resources. As a result, the woman calls the marriage a mistake and becomes fixated on the thought of the inferiority of her young mental abilities, which led to the wrong choice of a life partner. However, it cannot be denied that she married one man and divorced another. This is explained by the maturation of the individual. The more problems we solve and problems we experience, the older we are, so at 30 we don’t understand, we condemn and despise the actions of our youth. It’s the same with your spouse: you married a grown-up boy, but divorced an adult whose views and principles were subject to deformation 100 times over. Therefore, it is necessary to focus on victories, achievements, accomplishments in order to assess the situation in physical reality.

First, list on a piece of paper the aspects of experience, status, money status, and other positive benefits of marriage. Secondly, think about whether you would have been able to get them without your husband (support or ridicule that increases motivation). There is no point in specifying appearance factors, since a woman is capable of transformation at any age.

Let's get rid of fears. Psychologist's advice

The second thing psychologists pay attention to is fears associated with:

Loneliness (An extrovert woman receives psychological nourishment from society, and an introvert from solitude. If you feel peace in society, are easily distracted from problems and understand that you need attention, go to a spiritual friend: mother, sister, childhood friend.);
The difficulty of finding a new potential husband (Many are looking for a catch if they know about a woman’s failed marriage. If her ex-husband cheated, they look for the reason in you, putting themselves in his place. Therefore, it is better not to leave conversations about the past for later.);
Repeating the mistake (Some women close themselves off to new men, afraid of stumbling upon the likeness of their ex. However, if you do not try on the image of the spouse you divorced, on subsequent ones in anticipation of similarity, you can meet the right one. To understand this, do not close yourself off and do not fall in love with appearance. More often, polygamists who are not very intelligent are concerned about her. If you want to be sure of a man’s intentions, read his facial expressions: true emotions last about 20 seconds, longer - feigned ones.);
The likelihood of revenge, attempts to control, persecution and jealousy of the ex-husband (Temporary risk zone - the first three months. Since it is easier to survive a divorce from your husband without communicating or contacting him, ignore incoming proposals from him and from new fans, since the likelihood of an ex-husband interfering in new relationships is high.);
The inability to get used to solving problems previously solved as a couple or by a husband (Remember the saying “The eyes are afraid - the hands are doing”, then you will not experience difficulties on the way to work, household, educational and any other goal.);
Changes in the child’s psyche if you have had time to give birth (If you correctly explain the reason for the divorce, without focusing on the culprit, and without insulting the husband or prohibiting him from seeing the child, serious psychological trauma can be avoided (see How to live with a child after a divorce?).) ;
The stigma of “divorcee” (Society condemns divorced people, but those who are afraid to go through a divorce themselves. Ignore this and rejoice in independence.);
Development of social phobia (Fear of condemnation, evil feedback and opinions about yourself can make you a recluse. Try to think less about the opinions of others.).

The advice given in the explanations helps you both learn to live without a husband after a divorce and become a successful mother and worker. Don't neglect them.

How to survive a divorce from your beloved husband? Getting rid of habits

The third factor is a set of habits associated with the husband. For example, if the maximum size of the pan for a dish is selected, it means that you are subconsciously preparing for the fact that your husband will ask for more. Or you used to get up at 5 am to make him breakfast and pack his lunch containers. Perhaps in the evenings you still go to the gym, which he took you to for support, so as not to work out alone.

It’s impossible to list all the cases, but it’s important to understand that to get used to the realities overnight—you’ll want to return it. In your thoughts, put another person in your husband’s place, let it be children. As a result of such a switch, the desire to fulfill obligations to the husband will go into the subconscious due to the absence of a psychological kick (for example: “Why didn’t I prepare dinner on time? Why wasn’t the shirt ironed?”).

“I can’t handle it” attitude

Most women deliberately program their consciousness, including the “It will only get worse” mode, which is why laziness and apathy develop. To eliminate an obsession, it is enough to change the perception of reality - to combine “I need” with “I want”.

For example, the loss of 70% of the family budget due to divorce forced me to take a second job. There is not enough time and energy to pick up the children from kindergarten, cook dinner and do homework. But if you manage your time wisely, observe your biological clock, strive to get everything done without thinking about your husband, life will turn into a verified system. Grieving over your husband is pointless, and it also takes up a lot of time and mental energy, which is better spent on priority tasks. Thus, combining things, assessing prospects and planning will form discipline, and memories will fade into the background.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

To figure out how to survive a divorce from your husband, you need to determine whether the event has become a tragedy that randomly emerges in the mind, causing stress. In the first days after divorce, women experience PTSD. But if attacks of neurosis against the background of memories of divorce, unfavorable situations before it, betrayal or training of a husband, and other negative stories continue for more than 3 months, most likely, the disorder has acquired a clinical form. Signs of PTSD:

The appearance of thoughts of suicide;
Nightmares related to marriage;
Avoidance of triggers that provoke memories (conversations, thoughts, people, photographs, significant places for ex-husband and wife);
Expectation of a threat from an ex-husband;
Unreasonable nervous breakdowns in children.

If you have recurring bouts of PTSD, you should see a therapist for cognitive behavioral therapy (a technique for shifting your attention to positive or meaningful things). If at the initial stage of treatment you cannot cope with neurotic outbursts, go to a psychiatrist. He will prescribe medication. If you are afraid to go to specialists, try playing a logic game on your smartphone at the moment of neurosis.

How to start living after a divorce from your husband without resentment and anger?

Humiliation of a woman, domestic violence, moral bullying with periodic diligence leaves traces. When you become fixated on the memories of these moments, your whole body begins to boil. I want to take revenge: to humiliate, insult or mock so that the husband feels the same pain that he caused his wife during the marriage. However, this is due to the habit of being in an irritated state, which is difficult to give up due to the subconscious desire to relive the situation again. It is worth noting that divorce is the result of an unhealthy relationship between both spouses. It's not just the husband's fault. So focus your attention on yourself. Draw conclusions about your actions and decisions. Give them to your parents, friend or psychologist for judgment, then the resentment will go away, and over time only good things will be remembered.

Get over the guilt

Self-judgment is a personality trait, not a result of divorce. If you have repeatedly noticed your desire to avoid rejection and hostility in society, then look for the cause of this condition in childhood. Parents are the first to instill a negative assessment of wrong actions. The main reasons for constant feelings of guilt:

Observation of quarrels between mother and father (If you saw your parents arguing, then the subconscious retained information about who acted incorrectly, who was wrong, and who ruined life. This information today forces you to do the right thing, so as not to experience the negativity received by the participants in conflicts .);
Manipulation by educators, teachers and parents (“You should behave in such a way that...”; “Aren’t you ashamed?”; “You are not worthy...” and other statements that force one to act on the orders of significant adults, form the need to depend on other people’s opinions, which restricts personal freedom.);
Evidence of bullying in adolescence against prominent peers (In adolescence, from the age of 10-11 years, self-esteem increases. Against its background, judgment about others begins. But when criticizing others, we literally retell criticism about ourselves. Those who do not know this begin to believe in their own inferiority, however, is only the opinion of a person who is even more afraid of criticism. It does not matter whether you have witnessed bullying or been a victim, the fear remains.);
Instilling a false belief about the standards of society (Trying to meet the expectations of others, not accepting your true self is stupid, because because of this, your interests fade into the background, but you please others. Stop it! You don’t owe anyone anything. And the fact that you didn’t meet interests and views of the husband, his problem.).

You did everything that depended on you. Stop blaming yourself for not being able to save your family. You didn't build it alone. Condemnation of divorce by mother, father, friends, colleagues are subjective thoughts of the environment.

Correct behavior during divorce

The first thing you must understand is that after a divorce from your husband, life does not end, you do not become worse, uglier, or “a slow-moving commodity,” as they like to say in society.

The time when a divorced woman was looked at askance and condemningly, fortunately, has passed. And statistics state that the fair sex itself often initiates a break in relationships. Divorce is an extreme and not always mutually desirable measure. This step is taken when it is impossible to save the marriage or there is no desire.

The second common sense rule is that both are always to blame for a breakup.

You do not live separately in your family, which means that any conflict is partly your fault. A wrong word, a silent insult, a wasted sacrifice - all this can become a catalyst for an explosion leading to separation.

1.1. Reasons for divorce

Why do couples get divorced? What influences the decision to continue living solo?

Psychologists say that there is a crisis time in a marriage - 3, 7 and 10 years, when partners are the most prejudiced, conflict-ridden and unsympathetic to each other. In the first three years, interest wanes, features that previously seemed cute turn into annoying flaws. Disappointed in their partner, many choose not to endure and not work on the relationship. If you still survive the crisis of 3 years, then after 7 years the second wave comes - interaction on “autopilot”, misunderstanding, unwillingness to hear and avoidance of each other, thoughts that you are strangers. The ten-year crisis is considered the most difficult in a relationship - a woman is simultaneously burdened with everyday life, work, and grown-up children. And at this time a man may stop seeing his wife as attractive. But in all three cases, the marriage can be saved. Contact a specialist or try it yourself: talk directly and openly, change your routine for new experiences, get to know and fall in love with your partner again. Anything is possible as long as there is a desire for two.

Marriages also break up due to:

Cheating on one of the partners. The betrayal of a spouse serves as a reason for a breakup and long worries about how to learn to live again after parting with a beloved husband;
Dependencies. Alcohol, gambling, drugs often break up families in which there are feelings, but trust disappears;
Manipulation and violence. A more powerful partner can prohibit, put pressure, put pressure on the other half, wanting to change her for himself;
Financial difficulties. Underfunding in the family leads to quarrels and dissatisfaction with the standard of living;
Early marriage. Being at an immature age and not being ready for many difficulties, not knowing how to give in, the couple separates.

1.2. Stages of divorce

Having decided to break up, you can experience all stages of emotional states: Denial. When you still don’t realize what’s happening and don’t know how to start living again. Anger. Often mixed with schadenfreude and a desire for revenge - I'll show you, you'll regret it! Bargain. During this period, doubts and confusion arise - what to do next, and whether it would be better to return.

After all, we have so much in common, so many years together. It is at this stage that some couples reconcile again.

Depression. The more you are alone with your thoughts, the darker and sadder they can become. Adoption. After everything you have experienced, you calm down and begin to evaluate the prospects for how to live happily after a divorce, as a woman. It is extremely difficult to jump over any of the stages.

1.3. Psychological risks during divorce

Men and women handle the breakup process differently. But no matter who is the instigator and who is to blame, divorce affects both. In order to somehow survive after a divorce, a man can go to great lengths. Or throw yourself into your work and show no outward emotions.

A woman is more emotional, and, unlike a man, she can show her experiences.

However, both run the risk of psychological trauma and additional complexes:

- “I’m bad” Because they leave me, because they don’t love me, I did something bad;

- “I cannot be loved” A person who considers himself bad thinks that he is not worthy of love, does not know how to choose people and only spoils everything around him. Often this message comes from childhood. And at a stressful moment it appears in the head again;

- “It’s all because of me” It was necessary to remain silent, endure, give in, but now I wouldn’t have to think about how to live on after a difficult divorce. Such thoughts are more often characteristic of women, who are more sacrificial than men by nature;

— “I will now remain alone forever” The fear of loneliness is one of the greatest human fears. The very prospect of not having the last cup of water and growing old in the company of cats can lead to panic. But 80% of fears never come true.

— “I don’t want to live after a divorce” The feeling of impasse and the thought that life is over occurs in moments of despair. Try not to be alone, do not give in to depression. Look for stories and other people's experiences. You will be surprised how many divorces are worse than yours and how many women endure them with dignity.

- “I will never love anyone again” As a rule, this is not true. And after some time, people enter into new and, often, happy relationships. Just give yourself a break.

Sometimes a woman goes nowhere and simply has nowhere to live after a sudden divorce.

No matter how strong the love is, and no matter how strong the marriage seems, for such situations there must be a plan B and a stocking “just in case”.

But usually there is always a place where you can wait out the first time: the house of your parents, girlfriends, grandmother, and sometimes your mother-in-law is ready to shelter you.

1.4. Consequences of divorce

Divorce ranks second in terms of stress level after the death of a loved one and has its consequences, most often psychological:

A blow to self-esteem. Especially if your partner made the decision to divorce, and it came as a surprise to you;
The need to rebuild life. If you were fixated or completely immersed in relationships, now you need to start over: housing, work, friends, personal interests;
The idea that something is wrong with you. When a break in a relationship is repeated more than once, it is easy to become despondent and believe in corruption, envy and a generational curse;
Feeling helpless. If you got married early, and your spouse took care of all the troubles and providing for the family, you may experience a feeling of confusion and insecurity when sailing on your own;
Guilt. If divorce is your initiative, then sometimes thoughts may arise that another person is suffering because of your departure. And if you stay, you will suffer.
To cope with all these cases, you need support and maximum comfort.