How to deal with an alcoholic husband: TOP 5 rules for divorce

Alcoholism is a serious disease that affects the life of not only the alcoholic, but also those around him. If we take, for example, marital relations, then an excessively drinking husband, who does not want to pull himself together and begin to be treated, with his antisocial lifestyle and behavior based on unmotivated aggression, scandals and assault, destroys not only his life, but also his health and the psyche of his wife, as well as his own minor children.

Unfortunately, despite such terrible psychological consequences of family life with an alcoholic, the law does not allow a spouse to divorce him according to a simplified procedure. According to the explanation of the Supreme Court of Russia, citizens who abuse alcohol and do not suffer from mental illnesses, for example, schizophrenia or paranoia, cannot be deprived of their legal capacity. It is only permissible to limit their legal capacity.

Considering that the Family Code allows for a demand for divorce by a unilateral decision of the spouse only if the second spouse is an incapacitated person, we can draw the following conclusion: with regard to the procedure for divorcing an alcoholic, the general rules prescribed in family law apply.

Divorce or endure?

As in other cases, when a family is facing divorce, you need to think carefully about your choice, weighing the pros and cons. As a rule, a wife does not immediately decide to break off relations with her drinking husband, because he is not a stranger to her, he is a close person with whom he has already experienced a lot.

At first, the woman feels sorry for the alcoholic, takes care of him, and treats him as if he were sick. She endures aggression, mood swings, insults directed at her, and even assault. A significant role in this is played by the formula for a happy marriage - “in sorrow and in joy.” It is difficult for a woman to leave her beloved husband, who, in her opinion, is simply ill, and if he is cured, he will become the same again.

But alcoholism, like any disease, progresses without treatment, which is accompanied by a gradual degradation of the patient’s personality. An alcoholic's character changes, he becomes unbalanced, proud, and capricious. An outburst of aggression can be triggered by anything: spilled milk, a child's cry, a lost TV remote control. It is not only the wife who bears the brunt: the child can also fall under the hot hand of an alcoholic father.

If attempts to persuade your husband to recover from addiction lead nowhere, and while intoxicated he becomes dangerous to others, then it is better to dissolve the marriage. Your own life and the well-being of your children in such a situation are more important than the health of your husband, which he destroys of his own free will.

The divorce has taken place - what next?

After a divorce, most married couples continue to live together only because they simply have nowhere to go. Therefore, during a divorce, it is better to immediately resolve property problems. If the living space is shared, then the court may decide to sell it and buy two separate apartments.

If there is a joint loan, then the division of payments is determined in court, or the loan agreement can be reissued.

There is another solution - social housing. To do this, you need to contact the city administration and submit an application for housing.

If there are no financial difficulties, you can purchase or temporarily rent a separate apartment. The main thing is that the distance between ex-spouses be maximum. Otherwise, there is a possibility that the wife will return, since it will be very difficult for her to watch how her ex-husband continues to ruin his own life. Therefore, try to solve all the problems related to housing and be firm in your decision.

Work on yourself

A woman who has tasted all the bitterness of a relationship with an alcoholic should make every effort to increase her self-esteem. She must clearly define her position in life. A woman needs to build her own model of behavior: what she allows or forbids to do in relation to herself.

The time has come to take full responsibility for your own life and the fate of your children, learn to overcome fears and difficulties. If it is difficult for a woman to cope with all the problems on her own, then she can turn to a psychologist for help. Today there are even special self-help groups. Don't forget about children - they will also need support and understanding.

When the divorce has already taken place, the woman needs to arrange a new life as quickly as possible and do some interesting business. But this is only possible if you have learned to love and value yourself. If you realize that you deserve a better life and have the right to be happy, then long-awaited changes will occur in your life.

When is it possible to correct the situation and save the family?

It is possible to save a marriage if the husband drinks. The main condition for this is that he himself wants to recover from alcoholism and meets his wife halfway. He must realize that he is sick, but this is not enough: both spouses need a considerable supply of determination, patience and willpower, since treatment is a long journey, and it is often difficult to go through it.

In addition, it is worth finding out what led a loved one to become dependent on alcohol. Sometimes it all starts with frequent disagreements, when the atmosphere in the family gradually becomes unbearable, there is no understanding between the spouses, and as a result, one of them feels unnecessary, and alcohol helps him calm down. Another factor that undermines a marriage is the birth of a child, when the husband fades into the background. The wife pays all her attention to the baby, and takes out her fatigue and irritation on her “other half.”

If the cause of alcoholism is problems in the family, it is worth trying to fix it. It often helps to go together to a psychologist, who will find out what exactly is destroying the marriage and suggest ways out of a difficult situation. A frank heart-to-heart conversation will also help, if the husband doesn’t mind.

When the reasons are clarified, all that remains is to get rid of the addiction. The choice of treatment methods in modern medicine is very wide - from sewing a “torpedo” under the skin, to hypnosis and hardware brain stimulation (TES).

Divorce or endure it

In a happy marriage, everything is mutual between spouses: understanding, love, and respect. Family well-being rests on these three pillars. As soon as one is removed, problems immediately begin to arise for the married couple. But if we combine our efforts, everything can still be fixed, provided that the problem is not alcohol.

It is not always possible to defeat this scourge, even through joint efforts. Although such cases are known.

Causes of the problem

Every alcoholic has his own justification for his addiction, but most often they are like this:

• The family atmosphere failed to overcome the bad habit that appeared even before marriage, and sometimes at the genetic level.
• Thus, a person tries to deal with the psychological incompatibility of spouses, constant scandals, and an insufficiently high level of cultural development.
• An opportunity to escape from material unsettlement, housing issues, and everyday troubles.
• An unsuccessful career that provoked a loss of interest in life.
• Inability, for physiological reasons, to have children.
• The passing of a very close person.

Is it possible to improve the situation?

A successful fight against this problem is possible and necessary. True, this statement directly depends on the severity of the disease. Sometimes the process is so advanced that it is impossible to cope with it. It is for this reason that most often it comes to divorce from an alcoholic husband.

When it is possible to overcome this addiction, relieve any stress with the help of alcoholic drinks, then you just need to forget this stage and move on with your life. But when this addiction has already become second nature, then everything is much more complicated. After all, it is generally accepted that alcoholism is a serious disease, akin to drug addiction.

To overcome the “green snake”, you need to fall on it with the whole world. However, the help of psychologists, narcologists, family and relatives will be effective only if the patient himself wants to become a normal person. And to do this, he needs to realize that he is ruining not only his own life, but also harming everyone around him, the people who love him.

Wives of alcoholics are constantly exposed to social discrimination and emotional stress. And the psychological stress on her exceeds all conceivable limits, which cannot but affect her health.

In the family of a drinking man, a child grows up in an atmosphere of continuous insults, scandals and conflicts. The result of this is the formation of an antisocial model of his behavior in the future. He constantly conflicts with his peers, and pathological traits appear in his character.

Signs to watch out for

If the husband does not agree that the situation is becoming tragic, brushing aside any conversations on this topic, then one should expect the problem to grow geometrically. When deciding to make a change in the current situation, you should pay attention to the following nuances:

• How often does a husband’s behavior go beyond the boundaries of good and evil.
• What is the duration of the binges?
• Does he lose potency and desire to have sex?
• What is the degree of aggressiveness while intoxicated?
• How other family members, especially children, react to this. What impact does this have on their mental and physical health?
• Does the drinker believe in God?
• Is he able to provide for himself financially?

How to behave

If there is at least a slight chance of improving the situation, the wife should develop a certain line of behavior when communicating with her drinking spouse:

• Nip in the bud any attempt to humiliate or insult. A man must understand that his wife will not fail to ask for help from law enforcement agencies and relatives. If words don’t help, then you need to write a statement to the police, so that he can see it.
• You cannot shield him in front of friends, relatives or work colleagues. An alcoholic must understand that he will have to answer for each of his offenses himself.
• You should never take on the solution to men's problems. Overcoming them can distract you from addiction.
• You can't humiliate a person.
• You need to monitor your own cultural growth and try to captivate your husband with this.
• A good effect can be achieved by establishing communication between the husband and the children, who need to be encouraged to help their father fight the disease.
• There should not be any drinks in the house, even with a small amount of alcohol. This even applies to colognes.

When to leave a drinking husband: domestic violence, the influence of a drunkard on children

One of the main reasons to divorce an alcoholic is assault. If a husband, while intoxicated, raised his hand against his wife or child, there is a chance that this will happen again, and more than once. A drunk person does not control himself; in anger he can seriously injure those around him. Sometimes family scandals lead to dire consequences, such as disability of a wife, beaten by her drunkard husband, or even murder.

Living with an alcoholic father is dangerous for children too. Among the negative consequences it leads to are the following:

• Low self-esteem;
• Claustrophobia;
• Social phobia, isolation;
• Problems in relationships with the opposite sex;
• Tendency to alcohol or drug addiction;
• Retarded physical or mental development;
• Unbalanced, prone to sadism, if domestic violence was the norm;
• Lack of self-care skills, household skills (inability to regularly wash, comb your hair, wash clothes, etc., if little attention was paid to children).

If a drinking husband refuses to make contact with his family, does not want to negotiate and, especially, to be treated for addiction, it is better to get a divorce - the marriage can hardly be saved.

Information to be included in the application

If the spouse does not consent to divorce, the wife’s path lies in court. You must first prepare the necessary documents. The claim must indicate:

1. In the upper right corner is the name of the court in whose territory the spouse resides.
2. Next, you need to provide your wife’s details (full name, passport details, address, phone number).
3. Spouse details (full name, passport details, address, telephone number).
4. The text of the application must indicate when the marriage was concluded, the details of the document, the reasons for the divorce, and the chosen surname.
5. The claim must focus on the fact that the children cannot live with their father, since his dependence creates a danger to the physical and emotional health of the children.
6. If necessary, request the questioning of witnesses.
7. Link to Art. 21 SKRF.
8. Formulation of demands (I ask for divorce).
9. List of attached documents.
10. Date and signature.

Copies must be attached to the application:

• wife's passports;
• marriage document;
• children's documents;
• evidence of the spouse's alcohol addiction.

Property problems are best resolved after the divorce from your alcoholic husband comes to an end. In this matter, you need to enlist the support of a lawyer.

How to behave with children if the family has broken up?

For children, divorce is no less a tragedy than for their parents. They endure the breakup of a family and the destruction of their usual way of life very hard. You should support your children during this difficult time, treat them gently, and let them know that, despite what happened, they are still needed and loved. If the financial situation in the family has worsened, the mother can find an additional source of income (part-time work, remote work, freelancing).

When talking to children, you should never scold their father. You cannot drag them into squabbles between spouses, and thereby cause them additional pain. There is also no need to prohibit children from seeing their father if they themselves want to. If necessary, you can define conditions for your ex-husband that he will be required to comply with - for example, meeting with children while sober.

Alcoholism and normative consumption

If we talk about alcohol consumption standards, this directly depends on classifications, namely:

• moderate consumption of alcohol is considered to be doses in small quantities - no more than 100 grams of vodka less than 4 times a month;
• systematic drunkenness is considered to be the consumption of alcohol up to 400 grams of vodka at least twice a month;
• drunkenness is considered to be the consumption of alcohol in a volume of .05 liters of vodka with a frequency of no more than 2 times a week.

In the event that the volume and frequency of alcohol consumption is higher than the classification of “drunkenness,” it can be considered that the person is an alcoholic or not far from it.

Rules to help you break up with an alcoholic

When the decision to divorce has been made, you should adhere to the rules that will help facilitate this difficult process:

1. Don't hesitate. Endless threats of divorce, followed by reconciliations with the husband, will lead to the fact that he will not take his wife seriously.
2. Find a temporary apartment for yourself and your children where you can move from your previous home.
3. Do not feel sorry for your husband and do not worry about his fate - he himself is to blame for the destruction of the marriage; do not give in to his persuasion and promises not to drink anymore.
4. Rely on friends and close relatives, surround yourself with people who can help you survive the divorce.
5. Think about the future of your family, permanent housing, and how to provide for yourself and your children.
6. Do not lose faith in yourself, firmly know that all difficulties can be overcome.

Possible difficulties in the absence of the defendant at court hearings

Difficulties in completing the divorce process for the plaintiff may arise when the defendant was notified of the upcoming court hearing, but he informed the judge that he could not come for a good reason, for example, due to being on a business trip, his own illness, or the death of a relative. Accordingly, after the end of the business trip, the defendant’s recovery and the completion of funeral rituals, the legal proceedings should be resumed. Alcohol binges, of course, are not among the valid reasons.

Other cases that do not affect the administration of justice in the absence of the defendant are indicated in the table.

Legal aspects of divorce

If there are no children or jointly acquired property, the marriage is dissolved through the registry office. Common children who have not yet turned 18 years old, property claims, common real estate - a reason to go to court. When dividing real estate, the previous apartment is sold so that each of the former spouses can buy a separate home. In the case of loans that were repaid by husband and wife, the previous agreement with the bank is terminated and two new agreements are concluded - separately for each. The issue of alimony is also decided in court.

If, after a divorce, the ex-wife has nowhere to live, she can turn to a specialized psychological and legal center that helps women who have suffered from domestic violence.

Divorce through the registry office in a special manner

Another option for divorce in the registry office includes the presence of consequences of alcohol consumption for a man. Among them:

• recognition as incompetent;
• unknown absence;
• imprisonment for a term of 3 years or more.

A prerequisite is the provision of a court decision. However, the document must be an official copy made in the court office. The copy must contain the seal of the court, be laced and numbered. The document is submitted to the Civil Registry Office.

If the above grounds exist, the woman submits an application independently. The consent of the other party is not required.

Divorce in a special manner is subject to a minimum fee. In 2018 it is 350 rubles. The spouse must appear after 30 days to register the divorce. If you fail to appear, the marriage will not be dissolved.

Traveling with your spouse

To force your husband to move out of his apartment, they recommend the following:

• While the spouse is not at home, you need to take his personal belongings to a place where he can live during the divorce - for example, to his relatives;
• Next, it is necessary to change all the locks so that he cannot get into the apartment without his wife’s knowledge;
• Finally, the wife must leave home - to a place where her husband will not look for her.

If a wife lives in an apartment owned by her husband, she must:

• In his absence, collect your belongings, as well as the property of your children;
• Leave a note, SMS, message in instant messenger or social network, briefly stating your decision to leave;
• Move to a place that is unknown to her husband - to be sure that he will not find her.

After moving, the spouses can begin divorce proceedings.

Divorce: the end of the old life and the beginning of a new life

Both adult family members and young children participate in the divorce process. And the lives of these people can be irrevocably changed if the slightest mistake is made during the trial process. But no one will emerge victorious from this case; each participant will have a bitter imprint.

Divorce means the destruction of a family and a change in the children’s usual lifestyle. Someone is able to quickly recover from a breakup and change their life for the better. And for such people, breaking up a previous relationship in a family where the spouse often drank seems like a magical salvation rather than a mistake.

YourNarcologist recommends: Psychological help after divorce for men and women

Recommendations from psychologists will help you safely overcome the painful divorce period. Here are some tips to help you cope with your worries:

1. The best thing to do is to come to terms with the divorce. It is worth looking at it as a difficult but necessary lesson, a transitional stage, after which you can start life from scratch.
2. New life - new opportunities that could not appear in the previous hateful marriage.
3. Loneliness is harmful. It is much better when you have the opportunity to rely on friends and loved ones, to spend as much time as possible with people who will not judge, but on the contrary, will support you.
4. New hobbies, a new job, a change in lifestyle, place of residence - all this will help take your mind off painful thoughts.

The rule that works most effectively is switching attention. You can occupy your mind with anything, as long as it helps drive out negative emotions. Social work such as volunteering helps a lot.

Alcoholism or drunkenness?

It is necessary to understand that it is quite difficult to distinguish these two concepts from each other.

Some citizens of our country drink alcohol in large doses and regularly, but they do not experience such negative consequences as:

• there is no addiction, that is, he may or may not drink;
• the person’s psychological state is normal;
• alcohol does not interfere with going to work, maintaining social contacts, or leading an active life;
• There is no increase in dose, that is, he drinks the same as before.

But still, how to distinguish them? Initial signs of the disease may include:

• a significant increase in tolerance to alcohol. In simple terms, a person already needs to take a larger dose than before in order to achieve the desired result;
• a significant increase in the frequency of drinking alcohol (if before a person could drink several times a week, now the need for this is observed daily);
• a person cannot stop himself. This means the moment when a person, after an impressive dose of alcohol, continues to drink it;
• loss of control over one’s behavior (while intoxicated, a person is unable to control one’s behavior).

From the above, we can say with confidence who an alcoholic is? This is the person who exhibits the above symptoms.

If we talk about prolonged intoxication, its main syndromes are as follows:

• presence of mental dependence . This means a regular craving for alcohol, which is a manifestation of an obsessive nature, as well as a lack of control over such a person’s condition;
• manifestation of pathological reactivity syndrome - the so-called protective reaction of the human body, which is impaired, that is, there is no perception of various external stimuli, regular memory loss is observed;
• presence of physical dependence. This means the need to drink alcohol, including the lack of control over the volume of alcohol consumed;
• the presence of chronic intoxication. In simple terms, a hangover is often observed after drinking alcohol.

As you can see, drunkenness and alcoholism are not much different from each other and therefore it is generally accepted that between them there is only a fragile line that can be easily overcome.

New life

Divorce from an alcoholic has taken place - the worst thing is over, it can’t get any worse. Whatever trials life has in store, they will be easier than what has already been experienced.

Often women are afraid to get a divorce because they do not know whether they will be able to financially support themselves and their children. In this case, it is worth thinking in advance about a new, more suitable job, or extra jobs that will allow you not to deny yourself anything. Another fear, no less frequent, is the fear of leaving a comfort zone, albeit not very pleasant, but familiar. The unknown is always scary, and in order to build a new cozy “shell” for yourself, you must show willpower and boldly embrace change.

In addition, you should always remember that this is done for your own good and for the sake of the children. As often as possible, you should remember everything that was bad in your previous life, and what the family got rid of thanks to the divorce. And, despite all the stereotypes about “divorced women” that dominate society, the chance to create a new family is very high. Just don’t get into a relationship immediately after a divorce - it’s better to take a pause so that the longing for your ex-husband and the natural distrust of the opposite sex in this situation go away.

Codependent family: psychological point of view

Codependency is a term that is very often applied to family members of an addicted person. In our case, the drunkard depends on alcohol, and his relatives depend on his bad habits and needs, so the family is codependent.

Very often, wives live in illusions for a long time and believe that they can influence the behavior of their drinking husband and father, return him to the right path and save him from alcoholism. Relationships in which there is codependency are typical for people with weak character, because those who are really trying to save someone build their own lives independently of the needs of those being saved.

In most cases, the spouses of alcoholics are insecure women, they have low self-esteem, and they are sensitive to any changes in life. It is very important for them to feel needed. Living with an alcoholic for them is nothing more than the realization of their own psychological benefit. They think that their husband will be lost without them, so he needs the care and support of a loving wife.

A woman must, in the end, understand that this is self-deception. A husband is a mature person, and only he chooses how to live his own life. Only those who strive to get rid of their harmful addiction can be saved from alcohol addiction.

Constant repentance, vows and promises of a drinker are a sign of a weak person who has no intention of leading a sober lifestyle. Therefore, the only way out in this situation is divorce.