Between two fires: How to behave if friends get divorced?

What not to say to a friend who is getting divorced

Surprisingly, when trying to support a friend who is facing a divorce in their family, people often make mistakes.

Here are phrases that, according to psychologists, should not be said in such a situation:

• “So what really happened?” . Do you really not know why your boyfriend or girlfriend is getting divorced? We are sure that this event was preceded by many others; there were signs of the impending collapse of the family. As a friend, you must have definitely seen that something is not going well in the family, there are serious problems. If you really were not aware of what exactly was happening in the family of a friend or girlfriend, then there is no need to find out the reasons for the divorce. If he wants, he will tell you himself. There is no need to “pick at wounds”, trying to extract from a person all the details of what is happening. You also shouldn’t find out who exactly initiated the divorce. If you have not yet been given the details, you should not “get into your soul” by drawing them out.
• "How are you?" . It would seem a simple question that allows you to find out how your friend is doing. But in fact, this can put a person in a difficult situation. How to answer? "Like me? Is it as bad as ever or tolerable? Is this the worst day of my life or am I holding on? What to answer - the truth or the banal “Am I fine?”

Important

It is very difficult for a person who is in the process of divorce to admit that he made a mistake in his choice. When getting married, almost everyone thinks that this is forever, love for life. And it is very difficult to accept and admit that the choice was made incorrectly, that years were spent on a person who could not become the other half, that everything was in vain. Therefore, divorce becomes a very complex emotional roller coaster, when feelings overwhelm and abruptly replace each other. It’s better to ask, “How are you today?” A friend or girlfriend will be able to answer this question honestly; this is a simpler and more specific option.

• “We need to meet sometime . In the sense of “somehow?” When? A person who has separated from his husband or wife is faced with an excess of free time. Now he doesn’t need to run home from work, because they are waiting for him there. No need to cook for the family. You don't have to spend time only with your significant other. And a vague promise from a friend or girlfriend to “meet you someday” can give false hope. It's much better to specifically say, "Let's see you tomorrow evening." Or: “Come for breakfast on Saturday, then let’s go for a walk.” Such phrases are much better than vague promises about nothing. Which, by the way, rarely actually lead to personal meetings.
• "I don't understand you" . Can't understand why your friend or girlfriend decided to divorce? You don't need to understand to provide support. In the vast majority of cases, the decision to divorce takes a long time to develop and is not made spontaneously. Since your friend or girlfriend has decided to do this, it means they have thought it through thoroughly and see no other way out. Just be there, support, even if you don’t quite understand the background of what is happening.
• “Have you gone to a family therapist?” . With this phrase you are hinting to your friend that they have not done everything possible to save the family. Many couples who find themselves at a difficult stage in their relationship resort to psychotherapy. But not all, especially in our country, where psychotherapy is not yet as widespread as in the West. Therefore, one should not ask what was done to save the family. Most likely, the spouses realized that nothing would help them save the relationship.

Of course, it cannot be said that all of the above phrases are categorically prohibited. If you say them, disaster will not happen. But you can hurt a close friend, show that you are not as delicate a person as you could be.

How to behave if your girlfriend or boyfriend is getting divorced

Friends are known in times of need, and in times of crisis in a friend's life, you must support them. They would do the same for you. But how to behave correctly so as not to rub salt in the wound of a loved one and not make yourself appear insensitive and tactless?

1. Remember: separation and divorce are two different things.

If you want to cheer up your friend, you don’t need to share experiences from the same series with her. “That’s when Misha and I broke up...” Yes, of course, breaking pots after a long relationship is hard, you suffer for several weeks or months, or even years. But this cannot be compared with a divorce - when serious plans and obligations collapse, when you need to defend your rights, divide property, animals and even children.

1. Respect privacy.

It’s good when you provide all possible help to a friend or girlfriend and treat their problems with compassion. It’s bad when you leave comments related to the fact of divorce on their Facebook or contact wall. Any. Even “He’s just an asshole for leaving such a beauty” won’t cheer up your friend. It’s very rude to just do that. If your boyfriend or girlfriend, colleague, in general, is not the closest person, don’t do it either. Don't leave sympathetic messages in front of everyone, showing how good and compassionate you are. Don't ask what the reasons are.

Also, never assume that you know exactly why they are growing apart. Even if they are your best friends. They have their own secrets that they are not obliged to let you in on. Respect other people's choices.

1. Make sure your friend/friend knows that you do not judge their actions.

They don't feel too good anyway. This is especially true for women: we are prone to introversion, we look for the reasons for everything bad in ourselves. And many girls feel their guilt deeply. “Oh, if only I were a good wife...” Moreover, divorce is often preceded by mutual accusations of almost mortal sins. So your friend already has enough disapproval.

1. Invite them to different events.

It is quite possible that your friend will want to sit alone and experience her grief. Still make her go to events and interact with people. Many divorced women share their experience: if it weren’t for friends who sometimes literally forced them to “crawl out” into society, they would have gone crazy.

1. Remember that they may no longer want a romantic relationship.

Therefore, attempts to woo “that nice colleague over there” will naturally be met with hostility. A person has just lost faith in love, and you are trying to force him to fall into “the same trap” again.

1. Keep your arguments “he wasn’t right for you anyway” to yourself.

This is a very ineffective course of action. They can then get back together again - and then you will become that friend who was against their love and generally allowed herself to interfere in her own business. Refrain from value judgments, it will be better.

1. Just listen.

Anyone going through a divorce process goes through a time in their life where that's all they can talk about. For hours. Without stopping. About the same thing. Let your girlfriend or friend speak out. Yes, it’s boring, yes, you have to listen to how your loved one takes out all their dirty linen in public - both real and imagined. But if you do everything right, they will thank you. And it will be one of the most significant things you could do to be a good friend.

1. Don't talk about them behind their back.

Sometimes you don’t even want to gossip, but just share your impressions. “Oh, Svetochka is suffering so much...” You cannot gossip about other people, even if your interlocutor also knows them well and asks you direct questions.

1. Don't say that one of the spouses is to blame.

Because it's not true. Both are to blame for the divorce.

10. Remember: it's their problem, not yours.

If you are fundamentally against divorce, still do not impose your point of view on your friend. Don't try to convince her. It can be very difficult psychologically for her in this marriage, and divorce is the only way to improve her life.

11. Be sensitive.

Not all people, when starting a lawsuit, immediately begin to suffer and become upset. Your friend may not be sad when she gets divorced. And therefore, you should not console her if she does not need it.

What you need to say in such a situation

Supporting a friend facing family breakdown is a must! You can’t leave a person in isolation, it’s very difficult for him now. You need to be close to a close friend and tell him the following:

• "How can I help?" . A specific question that shows that you are nearby. Maybe you need help with moving. Or looking for a new apartment. Or need advice. In any case, this question needs to be asked.
• “Do you want to talk?” . Not necessarily about divorce, although now all experiences are connected with it. Maybe just chat about abstract topics. Maybe your friend wants to know how you are doing to take your mind off your own thoughts. Such a delicate question allows you to find out whether a friend is in the mood for communication or wants to be alone.
• "How are you today?" . Exactly today, now. Not at all, as mentioned above, vague questions can confuse a person. And specifics allow you to answer honestly, for example: “Yes, today it’s a little easier, but it’s still hard to wake up alone.”
• “Do you have anyone to talk to?” . Who's next to your friend now? Do his relatives and other family members support him? If not, the presence of friends is especially necessary.
• "I love you" . In a friendly way, of course. But it's so important! Let words of support be heard as often as possible.

Helping a friend in a difficult situation means showing yourself as a truly close person. There are no universal rules when it comes to divorce; everyone experiences it differently. It is important for you to be a sensitive person, to show love and support, accepting what happened and not judging anyone.

Friends are getting divorced. How can I help?

Hello, Lyudmila.

I re-read your letter several times. And I caught myself wanting to solve your friend’s problem, and not your request. Although you need help.

Your question, of course, sounds clear: “How to help a friend?” But the letter gives the impression that you are living her life completely now. And your problem with the unresolved situation of her situation is that you CANNOT solve it for her. First of all, you need to understand that this is her life and her situation. By the way, which she chose herself, because she left her husband for a year and a half.

If we consider their relationship, then perhaps there was no longer love between them. 20 years of life does not speak of intimacy. And if she didn’t exist, then why maintain such a relationship.....For what? For the sake of habit? Well, your friend was able to live without her husband for a year and a half...

Yes, her parents are sick and her action deserves respect on her part. That's how it should be. But the man, most likely, was not interested in this, since he ignored the years he lived without regret and after half a year he got a new woman.

And if so, then why does she need such a man? What does she regret? What does she want to keep? Betrayal? treason? For what? Even if the family returns, the relationship will still not be the same.

Your friend is most likely now grieving the death of a loved one. And besides, she may have lost the support of someone she was counting on. But this is unknown.

You, as a friend, can only help in the form of human support. Because in situations with the death of loved ones, only time helps. She needs time (about a year) to recover from her mother's death.

Regarding her family, she may be depressed because she, as a woman, was replaced by another... better... And this is always painful to admit. In addition, there is a fear of loneliness, that no one else needs you.

Show her the truth - about how her man acted, that even in such a difficult moment, instead of a manly open conversation, he sent an SMS about divorce.

She experienced a collapse of the past and fear of an unknown future. To calm things down a little, broaden her vision for the future after she has recovered a little from her losses. Think with her about her plans, no matter how hopeless the present may be. There is always a way out.

Now regarding you: you are now so immersed in the life of your friend that you stop seeing the situation soberly and fall into a state similar to that of your friend. In such a state it is difficult to help someone. You already need to think about helping yourself.

And one more thing... There are psychological attachments to people when your own life ceases to be interesting. A person begins to live the life of another person (no matter if it is a family partner or any other close person “in spirit”) unnoticed by himself. Perhaps out of gratitude to this person. But, because life is not yours, then you cannot make any decisions, because it is the life of another person. This leads to powerlessness...yours. And then you don’t live your life or your friend’s life well. Think about it.

First of all, restore your inner state and let your friend know that you will support her while she is in this state.

Good luck!

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At the last line: how to understand that it’s time to get a divorce

The other day, Christina Asmus, speaking frankly about her divorce from Garik Bulldog Kharlamov, revealed the reason for their separation. According to her, the idea of ​​the need to separate appeared several years ago. Now she was finally convinced of the correctness of her decision.

How can you understand whether your marriage is really on its last legs and it’s time to get a divorce, or whether there’s simply a crisis in the relationship?

And they parted like ships at sea

Divorce is, in fact, very often seen as the only way out of a family crisis. True, this radical measure rarely brings real relief. Only in cases where divorce puts an end to a truly dead relationship.

For example, my friend recently divorced his wife after 13 years of marriage. For the last year and a half, they lived simply like good neighbors - they practically did not communicate with each other, did not share their problems and joys with each other, although they slept on the same bed, but on different sides. True, they didn’t start any scandals with a stormy showdown. The affable and polite existence of two completely strangers who have nothing to share with each other.

“Somehow everything went wrong for us.” “Like a soccer ball that has been unlaced,” a friend explained to me. – Who knows why this happened.

It is no wonder that the decision to divorce, which they finally decided to do, caused both of them great relief. There was no longer any need to pretend to be in a relationship, and most importantly, everyone had the opportunity to start a new life.

...My neighbor decided to divorce her husband because of his infidelity. At first, she endured for a long time and hoped that her husband would still make a choice and leave his mistress. But time passed, the husband continued to rush between the two women. And at one point, according to her confession, she felt that she was terribly tired of all this.

She no longer saw divorce as a nightmare, as it had been at first, but as a long-awaited deliverance.

“It’s even become easier for me to breathe since we divorced,” she assured.

The divorce actually benefited Lisa. She became prettier, the plaintive expression disappeared from her face, and some kind of self-confidence appeared. In a word, the divorce brought her exactly the same liberation that the hosts of the “Ex-Wives Club” program talk about with such inspiration.

Come back, I will forgive everything

However, not always after a divorce a person becomes freer and happier. Often, problems that arise after family life turn out to be even more complex than those that seemed to poison existence in marriage. After a divorce, many even begin to regret what happened. And, what is most curious, most of all are those to whom the idea of ​​​​divorce belonged.

This is not surprising. After all, often the initiator of a divorce does not actually want to part with his life partner. Simply, by threatening to divorce, he is trying to induce his other half to make some changes in behavior or existing relationships - to force him to stop drinking, make a choice between his wife and his mistress, start earning money, or, finally, simply become more attentive. Moreover, representatives of the fairer sex usually resort to such techniques.

And I know many examples when wives, dissatisfied with the behavior of their spouse, filed for divorce in the hope that the husband would get scared and begin to change somehow. In some cases, this technique really brings results.

So, the husband of one of my friends, having learned that she had filed for divorce, dialed his mistress’s phone number right in front of her and announced that everything was over between them. And my former classmate Vitek stopped drinking - after his wife, tired of his drunkenness, wrote a corresponding statement. However, in fairness, it is worth noting that this technique does not always work.

And many men, even if they are not in the mood to get a divorce, nevertheless dutifully accept the same decision of their other halves. And then the latter has no choice but to either regret such a rash step for the rest of his life, or to back down. Needless to say, in the latter case, the threat of divorce will no longer seem frightening to the husband. And next time this method will probably not work.

However, there are cases when people sincerely believe that by getting a divorce, they will really change their lives for the better. In fact, after a divorce it often only gets worse. And all because the destroyed relationships were actually dear and important. And what the spouses mistakenly took for the death of this very relationship was, in fact, only their serious illness, which could have been cured.

Therefore, before you cut from the shoulder, you need to listen carefully to yourself and understand what you really want - complete deliverance from family relationships or just their significant correction.

What will help you become more confident in your thoughts about divorce?

Attention! The articles describe typical ways to resolve legal issues, but each case is unique. If you want to find out how to solve your particular problem - and get a free consultation:

Throughout their lives, many couples think about divorce, but never decide to do it. Making the right decision turns out to be difficult. You need to give an objective assessment of the current situation, weigh everything and not make quick emotional decisions. There are statements that will help strengthen your opinion about divorce. If we accept them in the majority, then we can say that divorce is inevitable. The following statements are suggested (by test type):

• there are almost no common topics of conversation between spouses;
• all sorrows and joys are shared with other people, and not with the other half;
• a calm attitude of one of the partners towards alleged connections on the side;
• there is no need to ask your spouse for help;
• views on life on a global scale differ;
• stopped paying attention to the appearance of the spouse;
• you are embarrassed to go out into society with your significant other;
• there are no common goals;
• different social circles between husband and wife;
• different views on material issues in the family;
• frequent quarrels affect children;
• Thoughts about divorce constantly take hold of you.

Do this simple test for yourself, it will give you the answer whether it’s time to divorce your husband or not.