What to do if parents divorce: advice from psychologists

Divorce is not easy for both spouses; it can be accompanied by worries, resentments and quarrels.
It all depends on the reason why the lovers decided to end their relationship. However, in any case, divorce is painful, even if the decision was made by both parties. When there is a child in the house, things become even more complicated. A man and a woman are immersed in their own problems and sometimes they simply forget that children are nearby. What to do if parents divorce and how can a child cope with stress? This question comes up very often in the modern world.

"House of cards"

The family gives the child everything he needs - care, love, understanding, support in difficult situations. He knows that if something happens, he can always come home and talk to his parents. After all, for a child they are the two most important things in a person’s life.

What happens when a couple decides to end their marriage? The lovers end their own story. They once lived separately from each other, each had their own life. For a child everything is different. The baby has been close to mom and dad since birth, now everything will change. For him this is a real disaster, regardless of age. Everything is collapsing like a house of cards. Experiences gnaw from the inside. At this moment, mom and dad should understand this and support the child, even if they themselves are in pain. Very often, parents become absorbed in themselves and forget about their common child, thinking that over time he will understand everything on his own.

Of course, time heals, but the baby simply needs the support of those closest to him.

Possible reactions

All children react sharply to their parents’ divorce, and its impact on the child’s psyche depends on how strongly he feels support and security during this difficult period. In their absence, young children often begin to lag behind in development and even pee their pants again. Under no circumstances should they be scolded for this, much less punished. They are already offended, anxious, and incomprehensible. Harsh influence will only make the situation worse.

Older children always make attempts to reconcile their parents. And they often get irritated in response. This should not be done under any circumstances. Be honest about how you understand their desire to make things right. But there are situations when this is not possible. But even if his mother and father are no longer husband and wife, they still will not stop being his loving parents.

Schoolchildren may start skipping classes. Especially if it became known in the class about the parents’ divorce and the children’s reaction to it is negative (and this does not happen so rarely). Try to explain to your child that everything will calm down soon. And if he does not discuss what is happening at school and react to other people’s statements, the interest of others in this event will quickly disappear.

Divorce often has a negative impact on academic performance. The child tries to spend more time outside the home, especially if the psychological situation there is very difficult. Therefore, it is extremely important to create conditions for him so that he feels safe and can study calmly. Naturally, any sort of showdown in the presence of a child is simply unacceptable. Just like the Cold War he may witness.

Divorce of parents for children

When your parents want to divorce, a real hurricane rages in your soul. But these are not all the problems and experiences that children at any age face.

What children experience:

• Anger, disappointment. It seemed to Chad that he had a happy family and this would continue forever. If the baby finds out about mom and dad's intentions to separate, the entire utopia is destroyed. It is understandable why this causes feelings such as anger and frustration.
• Fear. When a mother or father leaves the family, it is a huge loss for the child. The situation is perceived not as an ordinary separation of two adults and self-sufficient people, but as the loss of a loved one. The child thinks that he has been abandoned and is very afraid of this. If mom and dad don't talk to him, the fear will progress. The kid will be afraid of losing those people who are still close to him. It is for this reason that it is very important for parents to constantly tell their child that he is loved, no matter how often he asks.
• Guilt. This feeling is most typical for children aged 3 to 7 years. During this period, they are very sensitive and feel responsible for the relationship between mom and dad. It may seem to the child that they are breaking up precisely because of him, because of his bad behavior. In such a situation, the child tries to reconcile his family and promises that in future he will behave well and obey. Parents must find the right words to explain that the baby is not to blame.
• Loneliness. If parents get divorced, they very often become self-absorbed, not thinking about their common child. Of course, ending a marriage is not easy. But when mom and dad think about their problems, the children feel like they have been forgotten about. The child feels lonely and unwanted.
• Resentment. It arises for the reason that divorce for a child is an awareness of the collapse of the family. He thinks that his parents do this on purpose and don’t think about him. Mom and dad need to find reasons to explain that it will be better this way.

Psychology and causes of divorce

Divorce is a measure resorted to in extreme cases. Unfortunately, in our post-Soviet society, people are in a hurry to live and are guided by many ridiculous stereotypes. For example, some girls sincerely believe that if they do not get married before the age of 25, they will die completely alone, because no one will want to look at the “old woman”.

READ How to return your wife to the family if she filed for divorce: advice from a psychologist

Girls are in a hurry to get married, have children, they are in a hurry to grow up. This threatens with extremely unpleasant consequences, because one fine evening you can suddenly discover that all happiness is an illusion that the brain creates in order to close its eyes to the real picture: the spouse does not completely correspond to the person’s preferences, and in general the characters of the couple are incompatible .

Another common reason for divorce is marriage for the sake of acquiring material wealth. Unfortunately, this is shown not only in films, it is an everyday situation that people of our time have to face. Money, as we know, is fickle; sooner or later it disappears.

How to behave as parents

Often, mom and dad themselves don’t know how to make their common child survive their divorce as calmly as possible. There are several useful recommendations that will help parents get on the right track and control their behavior.

• Try to surround your child with warmth and care as much as possible. It is important not to just sit and watch TV with him, but to play and do something together. Even if the husband and wife are already living separately at this time, it is necessary to share time. The baby will understand that his parents do not forget about him. In addition, playing together with a child will have a positive effect not only on his psyche, but will also reassure his parents.
• Deceiving your child and hiding what is happening is a big mistake. A child must know the intentions of his father and mother. You just need to find the words to present the information as discreetly and gently as possible.
• Living conditions cannot be radically changed. No matter how hard it is for former lovers, they must do everything for the child.
• There is information that the baby does not need to know about - this is the division of property. Try not to let him know about the trial, when it will take place, and what decision will be made.
• Under no circumstances should you pull the baby to someone else's side. The husband and wife should think about his psyche and, despite possible mutual hostility, agree in a civilized manner about who he will live with in the future and how often he will see the other parent.
• If the spouses decide to divorce for a good reason (treason, betrayal, hatred and mutual hostility), in no case should they speak badly about each other in the presence of their common child. This will only worsen the child’s mental state, regardless of his age.
• Ex-lovers should turn their divorce around in such a way that the child understands that their problems will not affect him. Divorce is the separation of husband and wife, the child has nothing to do with it.

Divorce through the eyes of a teenager

Schoolchildren faced with the fact of family breakdown have an even harder time than a child, because an older child, looking for the cause of the trouble, will immediately begin to delve into himself. Even obvious reasons for divorce, such as infidelity, alcoholism, lack of love, are not arguments in favor of divorce for a teenager. And if parents also aggravate the difficult situation by throwing such accusations in the child’s face as: “It’s all your tricks!”, “If you had behaved normally, this wouldn’t have happened!”, then psychological problems will not keep you waiting.

Children over 11 years of age, who already advertise their protest with pronounced deviant (deviant) behavior, often try to smoke, leave home, doing this demonstratively or deliberately poorly masking the “traces of the crime.” In almost 100% of cases, upon learning that the parents have decided to divorce, the child stops studying well, and teachers begin to complain about worsened, uncontrollable behavior.

How to tell your children about divorce

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Any changes in the relationship between parents also affect their children; divorce is no exception.
However, if something doesn’t go well between husband and wife, there is no point in injuring the child. It doesn’t matter how old the child is - 10 or 18, at any age, disagreements between mother and father can traumatize the psyche. You need to inform your child about a divorce only when the decision is justified and has already been made finally. In such a situation, mom and dad must find time to sit with the baby and explain everything to him. Moreover, this must be done without nerves and screams. Ex-husbands should tell their child that it’s hard for them together and that it will be better apart. It is very important to note that this decision will not affect the child in any way, that they still love him.

Mom and dad need to prepare in advance for their child’s reaction. It is quite normal if the baby starts crying, screaming and swearing. When your parents want to divorce, it’s hard to accept; the child has every right to express his emotions and experiences.

“Proactive” phrases that will prepare your child for a difficult conversation:

• “You will probably be very upset when you find out the news we want to tell you.”
• “We understand that you are very upset by our decision to separate.”
• “We understand that you are incredibly angry with us and think that we are ruining the family.”

It may seem that the phrases sound rude, but they are not. They will help the baby understand what he feels - anger, resentment or indifference. Let him think a little about what he heard and say his opinion. Convince your child that the decision to divorce will not affect him in any way, that this will not make you love him less.

Time will pass, the resentment will evaporate anyway. The child realizes that when your parents want to divorce, it’s not so scary. It is possible that this is the only correct decision and they will really be better off apart.

“This news was not a tragedy for me”

Tatyana, 26 years old

“Oddly enough, my parents’ divorce did not take me by surprise. I was 6 years old when my mother said in a trembling voice that she and my father had to separate. The information itself was quite specific, I immediately understood what it meant. But my mother’s concerned tone did not have a very good effect on me. She spoke as if the world was ending.

I believe that you need to talk to your child about divorce more calmly. Like, it happens - adults fall in love and break up, that’s life. Therefore, if my mother had told me this news less emotionally, I would not have regarded my current situation as extremely disastrous.

And so, after our conversation, I went out into the yard and told the guys that from now on all the most beautiful and best things are mine. Because their mom and dad live together, but I don’t.”

Advice:

Try to tell your child the news of the divorce confidently and without unnecessary emotions. Don't glorify this event as something supernatural.

How should a child behave?

If the child is old enough to understand the parent’s decision meaningfully, that’s good.
It is important to understand that it is also not easy for mom and dad and they need support. If your parents want to divorce, try to understand them. It won't be long before they remain good friends. Maybe mom and dad didn’t get along in character and it’s hard for them together. Useful tips for children:

• The most important thing is to understand that both mom and dad are full parents. You cannot choose between them and take sides. There are no quarrels where one person is to blame. Disagreements arise due to the fault of both parties. “Mom is right, but dad is wrong” or, vice versa, this does not happen.
• When parents are going through a breakup, you shouldn't use their feelings for your own purposes.
• Of course, it’s hard not only for parents, but also for children. Give mom and dad a little time to recover, take care of yourself, go for a walk with friends. It will be easier for your parents to see you with a smile.

Advice for parents of teenagers

You need to talk to a teenager, but moderately frankly. The child should not be privy to the details of his father’s dishonest behavior or tell him that the grandmother is to blame for the quarrels between mom and dad. Even if his father, who lives separately, remains an authority for him. The standard formula about the loss of former feelings, presented to a teenager in the form of an explanation, will not make the child consider himself as unhappy and offended as the naked truth about the imperfection of one of the parents.

Bringing a teenager to their side by either parent also threatens with grave consequences. The best mother in the world, according to the father, appears before the child as an unkempt brawler, and the beloved father, according to the mother, appears as an alcoholic and dictator. This tugging of the blanket usually ends with the student running away from the “truth” into a company that is not suitable for him, and it is very difficult to get him out of there.

Note to parents

You cannot live together for the sake of a child when there is no love. If mom and dad feel that they cannot get along, but do not divorce because they have a child together, this is a huge mistake. Maybe while the baby is small, he doesn’t understand anything. But time will pass, the child will get older and will notice that the parents do not love each other. In such families, children paint themselves a stereotype that this is how it should be. An adult child will never be able to build his own happy life with his other half.

Children should grow up in love, and feel it not only towards themselves, but also see it through the example of their parents. When a child notices that dad always kisses mom when he comes home from work and gives her flowers, he will subconsciously look for a soul mate with whom he can build the same relationship.

Divorce is a difficult period not only for lovers, but also for their children. Most importantly, no matter what happens, be honest with each other. Talk to your child and explain to him the reason for your decision. He must understand that you trust him, then he can trust you too. And of course, you can’t take out your anger and resentment on your children if the marriage has failed. It is better to help him not make mistakes and build his own happy life.

Attention! Due to recent changes in legislation, the legal information in this article may be out of date! Our lawyer can advise you free of charge - write your question in the form below:

How to survive a tragedy?

Advice for a minor child:

1. Get distracted by other things more often. Interesting activities will help you take your mind off negative thoughts and give you positive emotions.
2. Discuss what is happening in your family with people you trust. These could be friends, a favorite teacher, grandparents, or other relatives. Discuss with them what you feel, listen to their opinion and, if desired, make it clear that you would be glad to receive any support.
3. Contact a psychologist. Don’t be shy about the idea of ​​going to the school psychologist’s office: he can help you accept what’s happening in the family, explain things much better than other adults, and give you valuable advice.
4. Learn more about divorce and why it happens so you can better understand your parents and be able to accept their decision. On the Internet you can find a large number of videos and articles on the topic of divorce. You can also ask your parents and other loved ones questions about the divorce.
5. Try not to immerse yourself in negative thoughts and states. Always remember that divorce is not the end of life.
   Gradually you will be able to get used to the fact that your parents separated; it is important to give yourself the opportunity to get over it. To distract yourself from sad thoughts, communicate with friends more often, walk outside, and engage in interesting activities.

If you notice that you have lost interest in many activities, feel constant fatigue and severe sadness, often cry, or cannot cope with your studies, it is important to inform your parents or close relatives about this.

Advice for an adult:

1. Remember that divorce is a parent's choice , which you can hardly influence. Try to accept their decision and provide them with support whenever possible: communicate with them, discuss what is happening, give advice, let them speak out, let out what is boiling over them.
2. Contact a psychologist if you feel that it is very difficult for you to accept what happened.
3. Realize that you can have any opinion about divorce. If you don't like what's happening, it doesn't automatically make you a bad person who doesn't respect your parents. The only thing you need to do is try to keep your opinions to yourself, especially during a divorce.

If thoughts about divorce greatly burden you, get distracted more often by interesting activities, walk in the fresh air, and play sports.

Relationship with child

Very often, adults are faced with vivid childish egoism if they want to get a divorce.

If people still don’t get along and the divorce takes place, the child should not worry about school holidays and other events. This is all possible, as before, the gap between the parents does not affect anything here.

Sometimes, after many years of marriage, a man and a woman create a new, friendly union, continue to communicate and help each other, so the child feels that he is still protected and can count on bilateral help.

Even teenagers sometimes do not realize that marriage for the sake of a child actually makes three people unhappy at once. This is a man and a woman who have fallen out of love with each other and do not want to live together, and a child who is constantly forced to see unhappy parents.

Meanwhile, most children still want their mother to be in love and beautiful, because every person in life strives to find the only love and peace. A child should not threaten parents, dictate terms or issue ultimatums.

When parents divorce, it is necessary to find a common language, achieve mutual understanding, and come to a certain agreement that would be acceptable to everyone. It’s much harder for parents if their children aggravate the situation and add fuel to the fire.

That’s right, if a student discusses his doubts and worries with his parents, he can write them down in a diary and get help from a school psychologist. How to survive a divorce and enjoy life?

A child should not harbor a grudge; it would be much more correct to support both parents and not take anyone’s specific side.

What is important for a child to remember?

How to survive a divorce? The main idea that a child needs to understand and remember is simple, but it will direct his life in the right direction. So, you need to know that parents divorce each other, they do not mean children, they do not abandon them. Although it will not be possible to live as before, the child is not alone, he is loved!

Therefore, you should not listen to scandals and reproaches exchanged between adults all evenings in a row; it is better to do different things. You can sign up for a section, devote time to additional lessons, and communicate with friends. This will allow you to become more confident, fill your time with useful and interesting things that distract you from unpleasant events that the teenager is unable to influence.

When remaining with one of the parents, the child should try to maintain contact with the family member living separately. Nothing has changed, you can still call, ask for gifts, invite you to holidays and outings. You can even create a so-called parent’s day, when you can go to the cinema together or, as in the old days, watch TV together and discuss the news.

Children and divorce are always difficult, especially if one of the divorced parents has a new partner. Having learned about this, children show all kinds of resistance, as they believe that an attempt is being made to replace the parent. In this case, it is necessary to agree that the new significant other does not interfere in the upbringing. The best option is to make friends.