My wife wants to get a divorce, but I don’t: how can I prevent my wife from getting a divorce?

Reasons for divorce

Before you try to save a relationship, think about why the marriage stopped pleasing your partners. After all, there are ways to forget about what divorce is, and even options on how to avoid it, but if the cause is not eradicated, the situation will repeat itself. During divorce court, the most common reasons are:

1. The betrayal of one spouse is not only recent, but also happened two or three years ago. The initiator of divorce is often a man who is not ready to forgive his wife for his infidelity. Women bring the case to court only if the betrayal happened repeatedly or mutually.
2. Lack of trust in a couple - a feeling that arose on the basis of previous actions, mutual or one-sided insults. More often than not, girls say this reason is significant. Guys use the argument as a concomitant change in relationships after establishing the fact of their spouse’s infidelity.
3. Sexual dissatisfaction is the second most popular reason among men after infidelity. Women more often use an argument as an accompanying one to offend their spouse and accuse them of male impotence.
4. Inconsistency of interests and life goals. For this reason, marriages under two years of age are more likely to break up. At the moment they met, the partners did not carefully examine each other, and after marriage they realized that they were striving for different goals.

READ How to forget your wife after a divorce: advice from psychologists

This list presents the most common reasons for starting a divorce, however, in a number of situations, partners do not speak openly about the reasons.

My history

My first marriage was a mistake. We were a dancing couple, falling in love, unplanned pregnancy, registry office. The usual story. We were connected only by dancing, and after the birth of the child we had to forget about them completely. But I believed that our boat of love should stay afloat no matter what.

The marriage lasted five years, during which I periodically thought about divorce. Sometimes out loud. But determination was lacking. Largely because outwardly everything was normal: we almost didn’t quarrel, we weren’t in poverty, our lifestyle stabilized over the years, the child was growing up. But there was nothing in common either.

I'm lucky. I met the man of my dreams and over time I realized that if I wanted to be with someone, it was only with him. But if it doesn’t work out, then I can no longer live in an empty relationship. Even if we had not met, I would still have come to the same decision, but later. There were calls.

What to do if you don't want to leave

Marriage is a mutual work of two people, therefore, regardless of the reasons that led to the issue of divorce, one of the partners is not ready for the accompanying changes and does not agree. To save your marriage, speak loudly and openly about this at the hearing.

After this, the judge will suspend the process for up to three months. Within a specified time, spouses are given time to resolve the conflict and refuse to dissolve the union. If the conflict cannot be resolved, a trial date is set.

Dissuade your wife

To change the opinion of your wife who has submitted documents to the registry office, act quickly and decisively. Four steps to dissuade your wife from divorce:

1. Remind her of a time when you had a good time together. Memories of past youth and romantic courtship will touch the gentle female soul.
2. Don't skimp on beautiful deeds. A bouquet of flowers, a restaurant or favorite cafe, a romantic dinner will not improve the situation, but they will smooth out the conflict and show the wife a desire to change.
3. Demonstration of changes. To show that a future together is possible, show yourself in an unexpected way. Real actions will help, for example, giving up alcohol or smoking for a month, changing your job to an option with a higher salary, but it is important to keep this promise.
4. Willingness to find a compromise. This will require patience for frank conversations in private or a trip to a psychologist.

By going through the stages step by step, the couple will strengthen their feelings and find mutual understanding. However, this will require a man’s determination and willingness to change.

READ The main reasons for divorce in Russia: what psychologists say

Convince your husband

If a young man initiated the divorce, you need to prove to him that his decision is wrong. To do this, find out the reason why the divorce documents ended up in the registry office:

1. My wife stopped paying attention to her appearance. Due to excess weight gain after childbirth and a home lifestyle, women lose their attractiveness. To restore the union, you will need to show your best side. A beautiful outfit, makeup, hair styling and erotic lingerie will help prove that a woman is not hopeless.
2. The woman does not pay attention to the man. Sometimes the wife takes responsibility for financing the family, caring for children and household needs, so there is no time left for romance and courtship. The abandoned husband feels disappointed. In this case, it is worth helping your wife, freeing her from a number of responsibilities in order to give her some rest and spend time together. However, such a step must be agreed upon jointly.
3. Female infidelity. It happens in 30% of families. However, in this case, restoring the relationship does not depend on the wife, since the decision is made by the man. If the offense can be forgiven, then unification will come soon.

Knowing the methods of how to definitely prevent divorce, people who love each other will take actions to prevent the union from breaking down.

Is divorce inevitable after cheating?

There is only one way not to divorce your beloved wife after her betrayal - to forgive. But to the extent possible, the man should decide. However, you need to understand that after the resumption of relations, any attempts to hint or remind about what happened are excluded. There are also few ways to convince a wife who has submitted documents to the registry office not to get a divorce because of her husband’s infidelity. Convince your other half that this is an accident that will never happen again.

In both cases, a breakup can be avoided if you take the initiative and act decisively.

How to avoid divorce

There are no ways to avoid an official divorce from a husband or wife if documents are filed. However, hearings can be delayed or the transfer of documents can be prevented by resolving the conflict quietly.

READ How to understand that it’s time to divorce your husband: is it worth leaving a man

If you decide to act, then the wife should feel it. Convince the woman that you are ready to change by backing up your words with actions. Listen to the complaints addressed to you, determine the severity of the problems and the sequence of actions. Try to show yourself outside the box so that your wife understands what kind of man she is losing.

How to know when it's time to divorce your husband

For many women, divorce is an extremely painful situation. Not everyone can decide to take such a responsible step. Some women are afraid of loneliness, others think that they will not be able to cope with raising children and will not be able to do without the financial support of their husband, and still others still experience some feelings, despite the fact that their life has turned into a nightmare.

It is worth separating from your spouse if there are good reasons for this. Sometimes divorce is the only way for a woman to preserve her psychological and physical health. So, good reasons for separation are:

• unreasonable cruelty on the part of a man, physical violence;
• the husband’s reluctance to work and provide for the family;
• presence of drug or alcohol addiction in a man;
• disrespectful attitude towards the spouse (constant insults to the woman, humiliation);
• husband's infidelity.

If you have one of the above reasons for divorce, then do not delay the matter. Don't try to change your spouse. You will only be wasting your time. Better get a divorce quickly and start life from scratch. You will certainly meet a person who will appreciate, respect, love you and will do everything to make you happy.

We recommend reading:

How to decide to divorce and confidently say about your decision.

Stages of relationship restoration

After the crisis has passed and the decision to divorce has been postponed, it is necessary to prevent the situation from repeating. To do this, you need to restore your relationship with your wife step by step:

1. Establishing mutual understanding. Voice problems and experiences. Don't repeat the mistakes your wife points out.
2. Regaining trust. Convince your wife that the person she lives next to deserves to believe his words. If you make a promise, keep your word.
3. Improved romance. A necessary stage when spouses again feel tenderness and original passion for each other. To surprise and delight, you need imagination.
4. Sex . It is necessary in marriage. It will take less time for a man to feel passion for his wife again, so be patient. A period of abstinence may be required.

Reasons why a woman wants a divorce

Very often, what happens is that a woman accumulates all the negative aspects of her life together. And when the cup overflows, the woman decides to take drastic measures. For a man, a situation of this kind can be perceived with great surprise. Because men tend not to notice those moments that a woman focuses on. So what are the reasons that push the lady to take this step:

• Psychological
• Material
• Behavioral

In most cases, unfortunately, a man begins to sound the alarm only when the woman has already made a decision to leave. How to correct this situation and save the family? The very first and most important stage is, of course, dialogue. Talk to your wife, because she is someone close to you. Don't swear, don't raise your voice, this will only make the situation worse. It is necessary to have a conversation in a calm environment with minimal involvement of emotions. Under no circumstances should you blame her for the collapse of your family if you are truly focused on preserving the social unit and are not interested in its collapse. Be patient, perhaps this is a rush of accumulated emotions that are overflowing, thereby leading the woman to these thoughts.

What to do if your wife filed documents in court

If a woman has made a decision, the husband wonders how to stop his current wife from divorcing.

To do this, firstly, do not waste the time allotted for consideration of the case. Begin to actively show attention, take care, give flowers.

Secondly, improve your relationship with your child. Children are the best allies in the fight to save the family. In addition, they are able to talk with easy spontaneity about the mother’s internal experiences about this.

Third, influence through friends and parents. Convince everyone around your wife that the decision to divorce is too hasty and the problems can be solved.

How to communicate after an incident

The main principle when divorce proceedings begin is to remain calm. Don't waste each other's time and nerves. If the desire to return your family is strong, then act. If it is not there, leave the situation as it is.

READ How to divorce your husband: ways to divorce, practical advice from a psychologist

Mistakes that spouses make during divorce:

• mutual insults;
• blackmail by children;
• manipulation of general business, property, transport;
• public scenes of jealousy or humiliation;
• ignoring;
• creating the illusion that everything remains the same.

None of these steps will lead to an improvement in the situation, but will only worsen the consequences.

Divorce during pregnancy

Divorce on the initiative of the husband if the wife is pregnant is impossible. Moreover, a whole year after the birth of the baby, the woman will not divorce the spouses without the consent. Completely different rules apply when a pregnant wife files for divorce. In this situation, you can get a divorce through the registry office - if the spouses managed to reach an agreement on resolving this issue - or through the court, when there are other difficulties. Such difficulties may include property issues or the presence of other children.

Please note: when a wife files for divorce and alimony, she can demand payments not only for the children, but also for herself.

Useful advice from psychologists

To help spouses who have decided to file for divorce, techniques are available that can either save the relationship or get through a difficult moment easily. A psychologist’s advice can become “magical”; after applying it in practice, the effect is immediately visible.

Get away from boredom

Family relationships can turn into a routine if you do not periodically introduce variety. Invite your wife for a romantic dinner at your favorite restaurant or for a picnic outside the city. If you both like active activities, choose a trip to an amusement park or spend a weekend rafting down a mountain river. It is important that spouses spend time together and communicate, despite the conflict.

Carrot and stick

If you can come to an agreement, spouses can introduce a useful skill into everyday life. A method that allows you to reward actions, but express dissatisfaction if necessary. The main feature of this habit in relationships is the absence of “mirroring”: if the wife did not like that her husband did not wash his plate, she calmly expresses the reason for her dissatisfaction. In response, the woman does not hear insults, resentment or dissatisfaction. If the husband makes tea for two, the wife expresses gratitude. Voicing emotions helps to understand each other, and also teaches you to clearly formulate the reasons for your bad mood.

Don't mix home and work

When spouses return from work, they forget that they have come to a place where there are no enemies, so they do not have time to adapt to a friendly and calm mood. Because of this, aggression and unexpressed grievances to colleagues “pour out” on family members. To prevent this from happening, psychologists advise performing a simple exercise: stop for 10-15 seconds in front of the front door of the house, take a deep breath and exhale deeply. This will free you from negativity.

The marital bed is sacred

Spouses who have been married for more than three years, in order to maintain normal relationships, agree on a schedule for their sexual life. According to statistics, this age of the family corresponds to the crisis. In order to prevent negativity from entering the marriage and save the union, the couple finds out the number of evenings for playing together that is acceptable for both. Regardless of the events that occurred during the day, the agreement is respected. If your wife feels that she is not ready, offer a new scenario or item that will add spice to the upcoming event.

Respect for your spouse's parents

Divorce statistics show that in 35% of marriage dissolutions, disrespect for the partner's parents was cited as a contributing cause. If this happens in the union, change the situation. It will not be possible to rewrite the past, but it is within human power to start with the present. Stop insulting, don’t mention third parties in scandals, even if you want to say something offensive. If opportunities allow, make peace with your spouse’s parents and ask for forgiveness.

READ How to save a family on the verge of divorce: advice from a psychologist

Division of labor

In 95% of couples who file for divorce, the trend is for the wife to work and perform household responsibilities. If there are children, then checking lessons also falls on fragile shoulders. To understand how to avoid divorcing your wife, help her by taking on some of the responsibilities. Wash the floors and dishes, sweep, peel vegetables for soup or side dish. Even a little support will be nice.

If both want to save the relationship

If both spouses in a couple are opposed to divorce, there is a 99% chance of saving the relationship, because in this case the wife and husband are ready to compromise. Sit down at the negotiating table, discuss what you don’t like, make a decision. Sometimes one heart-to-heart conversation is enough to find the root of the problem. If you can’t do this on your own, seek help from a psychologist or sexologist.

If one spouse wants a divorce

A unilateral divorce is possible in Russia, but if the second spouse is against it, the court will compromise, allowing time for reconciliation. However, this needs to be communicated openly and directly. The child is also considered an important circumstance. If the marriage produces common children, the divorce process will take longer. During the time allotted by the authorities for reconciliation, do everything to prevent her from making a mistake.

There are several ways to avoid divorce, but each will require sincerity, a bit of perseverance and determination. Otherwise, ending the relationship cannot be avoided.

Is it possible to save a problematic relationship?

You can save a relationship if both want it. But their dream is not to save the family, but to stay with their partner. Saving your family is about decency in the eyes of others and an abstract sense of duty. And the desire to be with a loved one is about a personal, conscious choice.

It happens that people simply do not know how to communicate and live together without destroying each other. Some have a hot temperament, others have problems with self-esteem. If you both feel bad, but without each other it’s even worse, then the problem is not in the choice of a partner, but in the quality of communication.

Read books on relationship psychology

"The Paradox of Passion" by Dean Delis and Cassandra Phillips

A book about imbalance in relationships, when one loves and the other not so much. From it you will learn where love disappears and why this happens, who the strong and weak partners are, and how to resolve conflicts correctly.

The book will be useful for weak partners who feel dependent on their other half and believe that the relationship rests only on them. You will understand why your partner is less and less attracted to you and learn how to become stronger, restore harmony and self-sufficiency.

The book will help the leading people in a couple to figure out what happened in the relationship and where the former love and passion went. You will begin to better understand your partner's motives and learn how to help him become more independent and calm and stop holding you near him.

Buy on Litres.ru

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman

A book about different forms of manifestation of love. Some feel love through time spent together, and some through physical care and assistance. For some, small but frequent gifts bring ecstasy. In total, the author identifies five types: time together, help, encouragement, touch and gifts.

Look among them for yourself and your soul mate. You may want to learn to love your partner in the way that pleases him best. The book will be useful to everyone who needs good relationships not only with a loved one, but also with other people.

Buy on Litres.ru

"Games People Play" by Eric Berne

The point of the book is this: people tend to play social games. There are simple stroking games that are known to everyone and accepted in society. For example, I came back from vacation, and you ask how I spent it.

There are more complex and dangerous games - scenarios. A person unconsciously looks for his script and plays it out. They are ingrained in us from childhood and can be good (become a doctor and save lives) and bad (saving the lives of others, not remembering yourself, burning out at work and dying at 35).

My scenario is that if you become pregnant, you definitely need to marry the child’s father, you can’t get a divorce - you need to raise a partner. I did not see any other options for the development of events and went straight towards this marriage, as if fulfilling a program. Only five years later I asked myself: do I really want it? Do I need this?

Buy on Litres.ru

You can read more about dependent relationships in the article by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky “Family therapy is a divorce.”

Go to a psychologist

Another way to harmonize relationships and life in general is to go to a psychologist. But it’s better not together, but separately.

Psychologists don’t tell you how to live or give valuable advice about the toilet lid. They ask questions, help you look at the situation from different angles, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and realize that something is wrong. You find the way out yourself.

Psychologists help to effectively cope with anxiety, fears and anger through various therapeutic practices, such as art therapy or sand therapy.

As a result, you will no longer be affected by your spouse’s unpleasant behavior, and you will learn to be happy and stable.

After this you will have two options:

• your harmony will have a positive impact on your partner, relationships will improve;
• you will realize that you no longer need this relationship, and you will soon separate.