My wife left for someone else - is this a death sentence? — Bring back your beloved wife or girlfriend

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Published: 10/25/2016

Reading time: 6 min

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Families fall apart quite often, and there is no single recipe for how to get your wife back.

However, you can’t argue with the statistics: it happens that former spouses reunite again in a family union, now valuing their relationship more.

Is it worth it?
Why wives leave - the main reasons
How to get your wife back? If she lives alone or with her parents
If she left for another man

How to achieve success in this difficult task?

The main mistakes of men who are trying to get their wife back after divorce

Is it worth returning?

Sometimes there is an insurmountable distance between a person’s desires and capabilities. Wanting to get your wife back does not mean being ready to make titanic efforts for this. To convince a woman, the ex-husband must form a radically opposite, extremely pleasant, idea about himself. He will be actively working on changing his personality: character, habits, hobbies, worldview. And not everyone has enough energy to bring this task to life.

First you need to understand the reasons for the divorce. Let's look at the most common of them:

wife's dissatisfaction with sex, spouse's betrayal,
there is no mutual understanding and respect,
inattention to the wife and her problems,
lack of shared leisure time,
husband's bad habits
scandalous behavior of the spouse, reproaches and nagging,
his lack of initiative in solving everyday issues, laziness,
an irresponsible man does not want to work either in production or at home; the family barely makes ends meet,
unceremonious and constant violation of family boundaries by relatives who pit spouses against each other.

Having determined the reason, a man must adequately assess the situation in order to understand whether it is possible to return his wife after a divorce. To do this, he should honestly admit to himself what his motivation is. If the goal is to use a woman to satisfy his needs and take care of him, it is foolish to hope for family reunification. Even if you manage to win back your spouse with false promises, the relationship will not last long, and the new breakup will most likely become final.

An attempt to restore the relationship will be effective only if the ex-spouses have feelings for each other. Without this, family reunification is not possible.

But, left alone, the husband may behave completely differently: he will feel relief that the protracted conflict has been resolved, albeit by a break. This happens in the following cases:

the life of a couple is a complete scandal,
partners cause each other only irritation, anger and aggression,
the wife is not interested in the husband, only his earnings,
the wife openly flirts with men, provoking a scandal, after which she accuses her husband of unreasonable jealousy.

When the relationship does not suit both, there is no point in trying to mend a broken marriage. This outcome will also be reasonable if the man understands that he does not want or cannot correct the situation.

Tips to help you get your wife back after divorce

The first thing you need to do after a breakup is to stabilize your psycho-emotional state. Ex-spouses need to calm down. The stress they experienced was quite strong. If a man wants to get his woman back, he should under no circumstances take any action during a period when she only feels negative towards him: resentment, disappointment, anger. Both need to cool down and think: the woman about how correct her decision was, and the man about the mistakes made in the marriage and his future tactics.

About 30% of women who leave their husbands regret leaving. However, none of them can be convinced at the moment of making a decision. Therefore, the most correct thing that an abandoned spouse can do is to respect her choice and wait for the right time.

What do psychologists advise on how to act to get your ex-wife back after a divorce?

After establishing the reasons for the breakup, you should not seek meetings with your ex-wife for about a month.
This is the time to start working on your own changes. A man should try to become attractive to his soulmate both in soul and body. Perhaps he needs to pay attention to his appearance: get a stylish haircut, choose a fashionable wardrobe, accessories. A confident and self-sufficient man will easily interest any woman. These qualities are integral attributes of a successful representative of the stronger sex. Let problems in your personal life motivate you to achieve important goals. Engage in self-education, a career, express yourself in creativity, sports, find a hobby, passion. She will not pass by such changes.
Contact with her loved ones is very important: relatives, friends. Use their support to restore communication with your ex-wife.
Show interest in your children's lives. The disagreement should not affect them.
Offer her help in solving problems.
Show her signs of attention: flirt, give compliments, flowers, surprises. Invite her on a romantic date, for example, to memorable places where you experienced strong emotions. Remember how your relationship began. You have to go through this period again. But now the advantages are in your hands: you know her strengths and weaknesses.

Determine the reasons that led to the separation

In order to get your wife back, the first thing you need to do is to understand the problems that led to the separation. Think about where you went wrong? What did you do wrong? Set aside some time for these reflections, and remember those times when your wife was offended by you, or completely fell silent because of a bad attitude towards her. You need to recognize these mistakes. You can write them down on a piece of paper and start working on eliminating them. Because for any woman, harmony in relationships and family well-being are one of the most important things in life.

As a rule, the problem that caused your wife to leave was repeatedly voiced earlier during your conversations, quarrels and scandals. But you apparently did not pay enough attention to this. Which ultimately led to separation. Therefore, now that you have identified the mistakes, promise yourself and your wife that you will not make them in the future.

If the wife left with the child

Often a woman forgives her husband a lot in order to preserve the marriage in a family with a child. She knows that a new man may appear in her life. But will he want to become a father for her child? Will she be able to tolerate his whims when he is sick or not in the mood? Will he react correctly to his bad behavior, complaints from neighbors, school teachers? Not every man is ready to overcome the daily difficulties associated with growing up and raising someone else's child.

However, for an ex-husband, a common child is an excellent opportunity to restore relations with his wife. To do this, you need to use your connection with your baby wisely.

It is naive to believe that it will be possible to establish contact only with material support and rare phone calls. You must find time for personal communication with your child. Agree with your spouse about when and where your meetings will take place. Go to her terms, don’t argue, even if you don’t agree. We need to act very carefully now. If she demands that communication take place on her territory, so be it. Ask what products, things, books you need to buy. If your baby is already in school, take part in preparing homework, goes to extra classes, to the sports section, then discuss with your wife when you can give him a ride home. Even though you no longer live together, find out his routine in order to be aware of the child’s life. He must understand that you care about him. Encourage success, encourage him when he needs it. Be strict and adamant when trying to manipulate.

If you and your wife work on the upbringing and development of your child, your wife will sooner or later appreciate such help. Be patient, try to understand that now she feels alienation and pain, so she makes claims against you, “bites”.

If, instead of showing patience, you decide to threaten a woman with taking away her child, this could be the collapse of your relationship. You will be first on her list of enemies. Any mother turns into an angry tigress when someone tries to encroach on her children.

During a divorce, it is very easy to lose the trust and respect of a child. Try not to let this happen. Mother and father must remain an unquestioned authority for him. Don’t start a showdown in his presence, don’t humiliate each other so that he doesn’t stop appreciating you. Otherwise, you will lose much more than a relationship. After all, you can find happiness with other partners. But it will no longer be possible to turn a complete egoist and hypocrite, who grew up in a situation of permissiveness, into a decent person.

Main reasons for leaving

To understand what methods will help you get your beloved wife back, you need to take into account the reason for her leaving. They are individual for different age groups and social strata. But there are points that suit everyone:

READ How to tell your husband about divorce: advice from a psychologist

Manifestation of aggression in the family. It is not at all necessary for a husband to raise his hand against his wife or children. Violence can manifest itself in psychological, economic or sexual terms. Often women tolerate this behavior for a long time, because they hope that their spouse will change. But, as a rule, this does not happen.
Bad habits, addictions. These are alcohol, drugs, gambling. The wife can leave and build a future life without the help of her husband, or together with him slide to the bottom of society.
Having a mistress. Women do not pay attention to their husbands' infidelities, they wait for them to come to their senses and return to the family. But if patience runs out, they drop everything and leave. In such situations, there is little chance of returning the spouse to the family, because she has already endured for so long.
Lack of income. Constant lack of money and attempts to make ends meet affect the psyche of any person, and girls in particular. After all, they need not only to maintain order in the house and set the table, but also to take care of themselves.
Life Many men believe that a woman should do everything around the house herself, but household chores are no less exhausting than regular work. But the husband does not always understand this and reproaches his wife for doing nothing but resting.
Love has passed or a new man has appeared. When feelings have cooled down and seeing an almost stranger next to you becomes unbearable, the lady finds a lover who gives her warmth and affection.
Strong quarrels. A person in a fit of anger does not control his actions and speech. During the scandal, he could say something that really hurt his wife.
Mutual desire to separate. Sometimes spouses realize that they are simply not suitable for each other in character, life principles, or there are other psychological reasons. Then a mutual decision is made to dissolve the marriage.

If the wife went to her parents

If a woman makes the decision to leave spontaneously, then she often has no choice but to return to her former family and her parents.

The spouse's parents are very important people in the life of a married couple. If they are loyal to the son-in-law, it will be much easier for him to make peace with his wife. Otherwise, a man must win not only his wife, but also her relatives.

There is no need to break wood and rush headlong to her father’s house. Now there is the epicenter of the storm: the husband is accused of all mortal sins. The daughter is lectured, scolded, and reminded that they warned about such an outcome. Things get more complicated if she returns with children. “And we said that he is not worthy of you. You should have listened to us,” the script and phrases are the same for everyone and differ only in details. Screams, lamentations, tears...

The first thing a husband who wants to get his wife back has to do is invite her to a heart-to-heart talk after three to four weeks. If a woman does not want communication, no one forbids a man to do small but eloquent acts:

Deposit money into her mobile phone account.
Order delivery of your favorite flowers and sweets to work.
Fulfill her dream: purchase a subscription to a spa salon, organize a trip to places where she has long wanted to visit, give an expensive branded item, jewelry. This way you can evoke positive emotions in her.
Changes in your spouse’s behavior and actions will help improve communication. Any couple will have mutual acquaintances who will certainly inform their ex-wife about this. Sign up for courses to acquire a second profession, or enroll in the correspondence department of the institute. Show efficiency and responsibility. This will also mean that you will get yourself a four-legged friend.
You can offer communication using modern means of communication - telephony, the Internet. If you are patient and restrained, you will definitely succeed. During a one-on-one conversation, do not sort things out. Take an interest in her emotional state. Admit your guilt and ask for forgiveness. Tell her you were wrong, that you would like to keep in touch with her. Don’t say how you dream of her return, that you’re ready to fix everything. She won't believe it, because you have to win her trust again.
You can only bring your wife home if you can become her friend. Invite her on dates, plan leisure time together, show attention, care and support.
Only after contact with the woman has been established can you try to regain the favor of her parents. If you are not invited to visit, take a step forward and invite them to your place, to the theater, to a concert of your mother-in-law’s favorite artist, out of town, to go fishing. After all, you know their tastes and preferences. Offer them something they can't refuse. You need to make a good impression on them. Think through the details of the meeting and be prepared for attacks. Do not fall for provocations under any circumstances: do not get into an argument, ignore attacks, try to laugh it off. If this is not possible, leave the "battlefield". Retreat does not mean defeat. Another tactic you might find useful is “Divide and conquer!” If your father-in-law and mother-in-law are a mixture of pepper and mustard for you, try to talk to each of them separately. The main thing is not to rush and do it at the right moment. If her family gives you another chance, don't miss it. Do everything in your power to regain their trust and sympathy.

During communication, wanting to win a woman’s favor, a man must look into her eyes. It is necessary to give her the opportunity to tell her everything that she considers necessary. A couple of compliments will help break the ice. The main thing is that there are not many of them, and they sound sincere.

How to fight your opponent

When the reason for the breakup is the woman’s new love, the situation of the ex-husband is complicated by the fact that he has to fight not only with his own shortcomings, but also with a rival.

Psychologists recommend taking a wait-and-see approach. It makes no sense to prove superiority over your spouse’s chosen one at the beginning of her new relationship. During the first few months, a woman in love is fascinated by the virtues of her gentleman. She does not see his shortcomings, she experiences pleasure from communicating with him, because the man seems to her the embodiment of the ideal. Only after time has passed, when the scales fall from her eyes, can the ex-husband take certain actions to conquer the woman. Seeing the flaws of her chosen one, she will certainly begin to compare what she left with what she has. If a woman understands that she had a lot of good things in her previous family, her husband has a chance to revive the old relationship.

In order for a woman to return, a man needs to create conditions under which she herself wants to reunite the family. This will happen when the wife feels attraction and sympathy for her ex-husband, when he again becomes desirable, the only, beloved for her.

Sometimes it happens that a woman leaves not because the relationship has become obsolete, but because she is passionate about her lover. Then, before returning her, the husband should think about whether it is worth renewing a relationship with a frivolous woman who is attracted to new novels? Is she capable of becoming a mature partner, or is marriage just a performance for her, where she plays one of her many roles? And, most importantly, will he be able to close his eyes to the betrayal and erase what happened from his life?

Why do women leave their husbands?

For most women, family is the meaning of life and the main purpose. But even this fact does not stop them from divorce if the husband:

READ

How to painlessly break up with a loved one: methods and tips

suffers from addiction (gaming, alcohol, drugs);
hits his wife;
cheats on her;
stops paying attention to her;
does not provide for the family.

Everyone wants to relax after a hard day or week. There are various ways to do this: bathhouse, shopping, reading books, going out of town, gatherings with friends. Many people will prefer to drink a bottle of beer or a glass of wine after work, which is completely acceptable. But when this process occurs systematically, the husband stops going to work, he smells of fumes - it is unpleasant for the wife to watch this. A drunken husband provokes a woman to leave the family. The same applies to drugs and gambling. In this case, it is almost impossible to return your wife.

Domestic violence is also a common problem. A large number of women endure bullying while their husbands raise them and assert themselves. Spouses who understand that it is impossible to change the situation leave their partners. They either leave for another worthy man or are left alone.

Every girl, when she gets married, imagines herself as the only lady in her partner’s heart. She wants to be loved, needed and always be near her husband. But suddenly she finds out (either herself or from strangers) that he has a mistress. This news greatly hurts, offends and shocks her. Then the emotions are released, she forgives her beloved, remaining to live with him. There are real stories of how husbands got their loved ones back after cheating. But besides this category of women, there is another one: ladies who are not going to put up with cheating, pack their things and leave. It is important for them that their partner is loving and faithful.

At the beginning of a relationship, men pay a lot of attention to the girls they love. They are affectionate, gentle, give flowers, take them to cafes, parks and theaters, and take care of them. The ladies believe that this will always be the case and accept the marriage proposal. After years, husbands relax, they become confident that their wife will not go anywhere, especially since they have children. The wife is ready to put up with the lack of attention, because the husband brings money into the house and does not have a mistress. But then she begins to receive more love and attention from another man. There is a high probability that a woman will not see the point of staying with an indifferent partner and will leave him.

READ

Stress after a divorce from your husband and how to deal with it

Again, when a relationship begins, people are in love with each other and practically do not see any shortcomings. Let them live in a rented apartment, but they are so young, everything is ahead of them, they will earn money, their husband has a promising profession. Everyone has ups and downs in life. Likewise, a spouse’s career may stagnate. His wife understands and supports him, trying to earn more to feed the family. Some men like it, they stop striving for better. The woman has neither time nor money left for herself. She wants to feel weak with another partner, she is looking for a more reliable person.

How to build a relationship after your wife returns

Understanding the mistakes made and the experience gained are very important for building a family fortress. After the return of the wife, the spouses should not try to reanimate what happened between them. They must create a home with new family principles and values. To do this, the previous relationship with the same partner must be completed without mutual claims and insults. Forgiveness is not always easy, but this is the only way ex-spouses have a chance to achieve harmony and mutual understanding in a couple.

To minimize possible conflicts, former spouses need to learn to negotiate. After all, it is obvious that the breakup occurred when the wife’s cup of patience was overflowing. This means that it would hardly have happened without scandals and insults. It is wise for a married couple to develop and learn new communication tactics that exclude raised voices, shouting and arguing. If one of the two is experiencing emotional stress, it is better not to continue the dialogue and postpone it until the passions subside.

The basis of the agreement should be a policy of compromise: today I give in to you, tomorrow you give in to me. In addition, the couple needs to distribute areas of responsibility. If a woman copes with household chores alone, she is unlikely to like it. If spouses have children, then both must adhere to the same line in raising them.

Family relationships are built on trust, respect and support. Without these components, any passion soon fades away. If ex-spouses are willing to forgive each other for mutual grievances and look back only to learn from mistakes made, they can try to step into the same river twice.

Possible mistakes and how to avoid them

The psychology of relationships will teach partners not only the right actions and methods of restoring relationships, but will also help prevent mistakes. This will not have such an impact on the return of the spouse, but will not aggravate the situation. The most valuable tips in this case are the following:

do not try to look like an ideal man in her eyes, she knows you well and will quickly see through the pretense;
do not be pathetic, literally begging for her forgiveness, women do not tolerate whiners;
do not shift the decision-making onto her fragile shoulders, on the contrary, show your readiness to take responsibility for the two of you, a common future;
do not shower her with valuable gifts, otherwise she will decide that you are simply buying her;
don’t neglect your appearance, let her see a neat, pleasant man;
do not lean towards threats, pressure, manipulation, this will cut off all the paths upon her return;
do not arrange a showdown with her new boyfriend, this will show your lack of self-confidence.

Expert opinion

Elena Druzhnikova

Sexologist. Family relations expert. Family psychologist.

An important rule is to change, but remain yourself so that the new you looks natural and not fake. Having lived with you for some time, your ex-spouse has probably learned to distinguish between your real and insincere behavior.