From this article you will learn:
- What are the divorce statistics in modern families?
- What are the reasons for divorcing your husband?
- Why women are afraid of divorce
My history
My first marriage was a mistake. We were a dancing couple, falling in love, unplanned pregnancy, registry office. The usual story. We were connected only by dancing, and after the birth of the child we had to forget about them completely. But I believed that our boat of love should stay afloat no matter what.
The marriage lasted five years, during which I periodically thought about divorce. Sometimes out loud. But determination was lacking. Largely because outwardly everything was normal: we almost didn’t quarrel, we weren’t in poverty, our lifestyle stabilized over the years, the child was growing up. But there was nothing in common either.
I'm lucky. I met the man of my dreams and over time I realized that if I wanted to be with someone, it was only with him. But if it doesn’t work out, then I can no longer live in an empty relationship. Even if we had not met, I would still have come to the same decision, but later. There were calls.
We stopped talking to each other
At first we chatted a lot: where you studied, what you do, how you look at the world, who your parents and friends are, what music you listen to, what books you read, what films you prefer to watch. At the dating stage, there is always something to talk about.
But over time, the topics exhausted themselves. It became clear to both that there was nothing to discuss. Just like in the movie “What Men Talk About,” when Camille reads a text message from his wife: “Toilet paper. Bread. Milk".
Sometimes the conversation turned to views on life values. And here another problem arose. My husband is five years younger than me, and I turned out to be too experienced a partner for him in almost all areas of life. As a result, there was no dialogue - it was more like consultations. My husband was a smart and grateful listener, but I was getting more and more bored.
Conclusion
Communication is the main component of any relationship.
Most of the time you communicate. And it should be enjoyable for both of them.
If your partner looks into your mouth, and you spend your life raising children, over time you may get tired of it. If you are always in the position of an obedient student, someday you will want independence.
Communication should be mutually enriching. You should have a similar cultural background that you can build on together. When one person constantly drags the other one along, or when people go their separate ways, vital chatter gradually disappears.
Test: should you get a divorce?
Think twice, maybe your case does not require a divorce. Many men regret their decision after 2-5 years. Take the test. The accuracy of the result depends on the honesty of the answers.
1. Have there been any betrayals on your part?
2. Do disputes often arise between you?
3. Do you often catch yourself thinking that life could have turned out differently if you had met your wife?
4. Do you feel that your wife does not agree with you?
5. Is your wife often jealous for no reason?
6. Do you think your wife listens to you in order to improve the overall relationship?
7. Do you have a child together with your wife?
8. Was there any betrayal on her part?
9. Who initiates the creation of a family, in your opinion?
10. Is he trying to dominate you in the family?
If you have any additional questions, please write them in the comments or on the “Describe the situation” page. Subscribe to new articles, after publication they will be sent directly to your email. PS No spam, I guarantee!
We tried to be away from home more
We spent most of our time apart, but somehow we didn’t want to be together. It was normal for my husband to come after 9-10 pm. I fell asleep calmly when I put the baby to bed. We could barely meet until the weekend.
Everyone also spent Saturday and Sunday in their own way. I walked with my son and tried to meet with friends. My husband spent time on his laptop: studying, working, movies, games.
I used to tug at him and ask him to spend time with me. He reluctantly agreed. Then I left him alone. I myself felt more comfortable this way.
My husband took up a hobby - archery. I became interested in pole acrobatics. As a result, we scored ourselves five evenings a week of separate leisure time.
The next distance was vacation. Everyone rested on their own and considered this the norm. We convinced others that it was easier and cheaper. That's true, but we wanted to travel without each other.
Conclusion
When the atmosphere in the house is depressing, you subconsciously look for an opportunity to be there as little as possible.
Go to work earlier, stay late, respond to any offers to meet with friends, come up with a hobby that takes up all your free time. Your spouse silently supports your absence. You leave when everyone is still sleeping, come back and everyone is already asleep.
The problem is not in the mode itself. The problem is that both of you are okay with it.
Sex became less and less frequent
During pregnancy and especially after childbirth, my sexual appetites diminished to zero. This is largely due to how my life changed; there was no time for love. But then, when everything stabilized, I realized that I did not feel attracted to my husband. And it wasn't about him.
He was a good lover and knew exactly where and how to stroke me to make me tremble with delight. His sexual impulses always let me know that I was desired.
But I still felt that I did not experience emotional intimacy, so I often refused him, citing fatigue and getting up early. The amount of sex dropped to once a month. I perceived it as a marital duty and in 9 cases out of 10 I tried to end it as quickly as possible. It was nice, but unnecessary.
Conclusion
In a healthy relationship, the quantity and quality of sex suits both. There are couples for whom intimacy once a month is enough, but for some, six times a day is not enough. But if you constantly send your partner with the words “I want to sleep, let’s not tonight,” something is going wrong.
Advice from a psychologist on how to decide to divorce your husband
When the understanding comes that a divorce from your husband is necessary, the next moment is the search for strength and determination to leave. Lack of firmness of position, constant anxiety, and sometimes quite tangible fear are usually dictated not so much by remaining feelings and hope of fixing something, but by fear of change. A new life requires many new decisions, adaptations, energy and confrontation with reality issues that may not have existed in your life before.
In order to have more determination, you need to draw yourself a plan of desires to end the relationship. You can go nowhere only at the limit and in a situation of life danger, but if the relationship is not critical for life safety, then it is worth spending time to realize what you want in your new life. This applies to both the place of residence and the format of the new relationship (or the absence of a temporary or total one).
Perhaps there will be a question of changing jobs and general direction of activity. For women, the relevant point is her own appearance and the image that she used to have. Having formed a detailed plan for the desired life, it is necessary to move on to strategic planning, that is, a real assessment of existing assets and ways to achieve what you want. You can do something already during the process of submitting documents, for example, change your style and look for new housing. It takes time to resolve other issues - if you have never worked and now need money, or a general business may require sharing not only the financial part, but also the efforts invested.
After the internal plan is ready, you should prepare for a conversation with your husband. Here, too, you should think through everything well, assess the degree of his affective reaction. If you are leaving a jealous person, it is recommended to conduct the conversation on neutral territory to avoid physical harm or home confinement. When leaving a person who is psychologically dependent on you, get ready for moral blackmail (it’s better to be on the safe side with friends) in case of suicide attempts. Not all situations can be controlled and resolved by you, so when passions become intense, immediately call the police or a quick response service.
If your husband is an adequate person, and you are leaving precisely because there are no passions between you, then you can discuss everything at home, choosing a free evening and, better yet, have a weekend ahead to solve the task at hand. In the conversation, you need to outline your decision, indicate the reasons for your choice (this is a necessary step to end the relationship) and offer to jointly resolve all legal and material issues.
A separate difficult moment is talking with children, which women are usually even more afraid of than with their spouse. You shouldn’t lie to your child that everything is fine between you and that this is only temporary. In soft language, together with your husband, tell him that you are disagreeing, be sure to emphasize that the baby is not to blame and remains loved by both of you. It is important for the child to understand how his life will now be built, so the conversation must be built after both spouses have imagined options for the future - it is this new way of life that needs to be described to the child so that he understands where he will live, with whom, how often he will live. see the other parent. You can talk with those who completely support you, and even better, are able to help with actions or help with practical experience.
We stopped being interested in each other
With a generally caring attitude, I stopped immersing myself in my husband’s life; it no longer interested me.
One day my husband got sick and went to the hospital; he had to have an operation. I visited him only twice during my 14 days in the hospital. For the first time I brought documents, things and food. The second time I came after the operation. When he asked if I would come again, I was sincerely perplexed: “Do you need to bring something? What should I do there, hold your hand? I have a lot of things to do, I can’t.”
It's a shame. And I was offended when I returned from the traffic police exam with a driver’s license after 10 hours of stress, and my husband only said: “Cool, well done. Will you pick up your child from kindergarten tomorrow?”
Conclusion
Lack of immersion in the life of a partner, support, warmth is not revenge, but banal indifference, for which one cannot be blamed.
Feelings are either there or they are not. And they cannot be faked.
Indifference is a sign that the relationship is over, only functions remain: earn money, look after the children, maintain order in the house, cook food. This is not how spouses live, but roommates or bedmates.
We quarreled with anger
My ex-husband and I have non-conflicting characters, so dishes in our house never broke. However, sometimes quarrels arose, and we tried to hurt each other more painfully, to accuse each other of something.
Sometimes the squabbles ended with me talking about divorce. One day my husband really began to pack his things. I cried and ran to the kitchen. I’m sobbing, and thoughts are spinning in my head: “How am I now? So, get up at 7:15, take the child to kindergarten.”
We separated not on that day, but later. But the way we fought and what we were trying to achieve clearly signaled that it was time to separate.
Conclusion
Unhealthy relationships lack caring and acceptance of each other's emotions. We behave coldly and instead of resolving the conflict, we are looking for something else to remember.
Healthy relationships also have arguments. Everyone is different and views the world differently, so disagreements are normal. But in the conflicts of a happy couple there is always a goal to make peace.
What do I want to get out of a quarrel? Sleep separately? No talking for three days? Or do I want to live a happy life with this person? If the latter, then even in righteous anger you will choose your words and try to talk about your feelings.
Reason for your leaving
Most often, marriages break up due to a discrepancy between ideas about a partner and relationships with reality. Everyone has subconscious expectations, and if the result does not meet them, a feeling of dissatisfaction arises. Therefore, psychologists recommend that all couples in love “agree on the shore,” that is, voice their expectations before marriage.
When you are about to get a divorce, you need to understand whether or not there is a chance to establish a connection with your husband. If contact is still possible and it is possible to build a dialogue, it is worth starting with conversations. This is necessary to make the right decision. It is important to discuss the most significant issues regarding relationship problems:
- It is worth finding out whether there is mutual love between the partners.
- It is important to find out how the husband himself sees the situation.
- It is necessary to find out how the husband feels about the fact that his wife wants to divorce.
- It is important to voice your arguments and reasons for the discord in your marriage, and then discuss them with your other half.
If during communication it turns out that the husband also wants a divorce, this will significantly simplify the divorce process. This will also affect the emotional atmosphere.
READ
How to get your loved one back: advice from a psychologist, magic and prayers
The presence of objective reasons for dissatisfaction with the relationship is grounds for breaking the connection. It’s worth starting to plan a divorce; marriage is overshadowed by the following things:
- one or both partners have constant relationships on the side or allow themselves one-time infidelities;
- the husband or wife is dependent on alcohol, drugs, or gambling;
- the spouses do not have the same plans for the future;
- the wife or husband does not want a child;
- relationships are filled with quarrels and conflicts;
- there are insurmountable financial issues;
- There is psychological or physical violence in the marriage.
Even if these reasons are absent, the very desire to break the connection can be a valid reason.
There is no point in tormenting yourself in an unhappy relationship by constantly dreaming of divorce. If people fall out of love with each other or have never experienced warm feelings as a couple, divorce is also inevitable.
I began to dream about what my life would be like without my husband. And I liked it
If you're feeling afraid about a breakup, imagine that what you're afraid of has already happened. What will you do about it?
This is necessary for the brain to develop an action plan and calm down. Not only will you stop worrying, but you will also understand how to lay down straw in case of misfortune.
I was afraid too. How will I live if I get divorced? I will be left with a child and a million financial difficulties. What will i do? And in 10 minutes my brain drew the following plan:
- Rent out your existing apartment.
- Rent an apartment within walking distance from the kindergarten.
- Transfer all of your child’s classes to kindergarten so as not to have to travel around the city.
- Transfer work to remote mode and collect orders so as not to waste time and money on travel.
I developed an understanding of my actions in case of divorce. Now we need to think about how to approach this. What emotions does the thought-up plan of action evoke? Do you want to live such a life?
If the answer is no, all is not lost. If the answer is “yes,” then congratulations, you will soon get rid of the oppression of unnecessary relationships and become freer and happier.
I suddenly realized that I liked my plan. I will spend more time with my son, without being distracted by my husband and without worrying that they are not communicating much. At that moment our family fell apart.
Conclusion
Try to imagine life after divorce. If you can’t, then you are not yet ready for such a step. If you can, but you don't like it, you don't need a divorce. If you have presented and everything suits you, get a divorce.
Signs it's time to get a divorce
Crisis moments are the norm, regardless of the duration, semantic content of the relationship and their official registration. But the crisis cannot in any way be considered a reason for divorce - it is rather a transitional transformation period, after which a new life and a new recognition of each other begin. You can understand that this is not a crisis, but the end of a relationship, by asking yourself a few questions regarding your future together and how your vision matches. If you want different things and set radically opposite priorities (for example, a man wants a child, and a woman wants to travel the world), then it’s hardly worth wasting each other’s time.
There are a number of valid and absolute reasons for divorce, including threats to mental or physical well-being. What is important here is not the difference in perception or goal setting, as well as coldness in emotional expression, but the fact that the situation can end in failure in a psychiatric hospital, traumatology, or even a morgue. The first is physical violence, which includes beatings, cruel treatment, intimate harassment, threats to life and health. That is, even when your husband can leave you without food, locked in the apartment, or simply swung at you, but hasn’t hit you yet - these are already the signals when you need to pack your things while you still have the strength to leave.
Any type of addiction is the second most dangerous thing to be around a person. In our society, it is customary to tolerate alcoholics, treat drug addicts, and treat gambling addicts as completely ordinary people. However, all types of addiction destroy the personality of the user, which can subsequently lead to violence. In addition, a woman’s own psyche changes, the criteria for normality are gradually blurred, and as a result, she also needs psychological rehabilitation.
Parasitism and infantilism, lack of work and the desire to help the family, as well as take full responsibility for its well-being and safety, deprive one of reliability. Couple unions provide protection and support, but when a partner simply lives on feminine energy and solves all his needs at her expense, then these are signs that it is time to get a divorce.
The result of such relationships is almost always the same - having completely exhausted herself, the woman can no longer cope with everything alone and then the man leaves in search of another resource. If the outcome is still about parting, then it is better to leave with full vital resources and the opportunity to build a new life, and not remain deprived of power.
Insults and humiliations, especially in public, are not just words, but emotional violence that destroys a woman’s self-esteem and self-identification. A tyrant with sadistic tendencies will always gladly joke about a sore subject and inject in the most open place. Cheating can also be included here as the most blatant disrespect, and indeed, why maintain such a relationship. But this moment is very problematic for psychological study, because in the mentality of the post-war years it is still postponed that there are not enough men and living in several families or with an alcoholic is better than living alone. But if your grandmother tolerated such an attitude, then you should tolerate it. Now times have changed, and there is every opportunity to live independently and happily.
When your marriage is holding on for the sake of the children or to avoid condemnation or upset of relatives (the old grandmother will definitely not survive this), if you are increasingly creating the appearance of a happy family, then you should get a divorce. When a woman’s whole body tenses from the presence of her husband in the room, and then she runs with relief to another, then this option is no better than his betrayal, only now you yourself are stealing the possibilities of happiness from yourself.
Take a close look at your marriage, evaluate the amount of personal interaction and warmth in it; perhaps you have been living in a student dormitory for several years now. Yes, you have one territory where you meet, but there are no joint dinners, and vacations are at different times.
When you notice that you have more interest and awareness about the life of your colleague than your spouse, and the intimacy disappeared several years ago, then everything is bad. The intimate part is the most striking marker of a relationship. Where there is hope, people will swear, slam doors, look at each other like unknown animals, but at night they will be full of passion. And vice versa, if even the external picture is ideal and respectful, but there is no physical attraction, and in its place comes coldness or even disgust, then there is nothing to save and it is better to stop creating appearances.
Is it possible to save a problematic relationship?
You can save a relationship if both want it. But their dream is not to save the family, but to stay with their partner. Saving your family is about decency in the eyes of others and an abstract sense of duty. And the desire to be with a loved one is about a personal, conscious choice.
It happens that people simply do not know how to communicate and live together without destroying each other. Some have a hot temperament, others have problems with self-esteem. If you both feel bad, but without each other it’s even worse, then the problem is not in the choice of a partner, but in the quality of communication.
Read books on relationship psychology
"The Paradox of Passion" by Dean Delis and Cassandra Phillips
A book about imbalance in relationships, when one loves and the other not so much. From it you will learn where love disappears and why this happens, who the strong and weak partners are, and how to resolve conflicts correctly.
The book will be useful for weak partners who feel dependent on their other half and believe that the relationship rests only on them. You will understand why your partner is less and less attracted to you and learn how to become stronger, restore harmony and self-sufficiency.
The book will help the leading people in a couple to figure out what happened in the relationship and where the former love and passion went. You will begin to better understand your partner's motives and learn how to help him become more independent and calm and stop holding you near him.
Buy on Litres.ru
"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman
A book about different forms of manifestation of love. Some feel love through time spent together, and some through physical care and assistance. For some, small but frequent gifts bring ecstasy. In total, the author identifies five types: time together, help, encouragement, touch and gifts.
Look among them for yourself and your soul mate. You may want to learn to love your partner in the way that pleases him best. The book will be useful to everyone who needs good relationships not only with a loved one, but also with other people.
Buy on Litres.ru
"Games People Play" by Eric Berne
The point of the book is this: people tend to play social games. There are simple stroking games that are known to everyone and accepted in society. For example, I came back from vacation, and you ask how I spent it.
There are more complex and dangerous games - scenarios. A person unconsciously looks for his script and plays it out. They are ingrained in us from childhood and can be good (become a doctor and save lives) and bad (saving the lives of others, not remembering yourself, burning out at work and dying at 35).
My scenario is that if you become pregnant, you definitely need to marry the child’s father, you can’t get a divorce - you need to raise a partner. I did not see any other options for the development of events and went straight towards this marriage, as if fulfilling a program. Only five years later I asked myself: do I really want it? Do I need this?
Buy on Litres.ru
You can read more about dependent relationships in the article by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky “Family therapy is a divorce.”
Go to a psychologist
Another way to harmonize relationships and life in general is to go to a psychologist. But it’s better not together, but separately.
Psychologists don’t tell you how to live or give valuable advice about the toilet lid. They ask questions, help you look at the situation from different angles, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and realize that something is wrong. You find the way out yourself.
Psychologists help to effectively cope with anxiety, fears and anger through various therapeutic practices, such as art therapy or sand therapy.
As a result, you will no longer be affected by your spouse’s unpleasant behavior, and you will learn to be happy and stable.
After this you will have two options:
- your harmony will have a positive impact on your partner, relationships will improve;
- you will realize that you no longer need this relationship, and you will soon separate.
Leave your husband or endure it
If you already have doubts about the development of marital relations, this is the first step towards making a decision to break up. But in practice, everything looks different: dissatisfaction with relationships is perceived by women as a normal phenomenon. Therefore, many are guided by the principle “endure, fall in love.” There is no reason to tolerate a failed relationship, even if the spouses are connected by something more than a stamp in the passport, for example, shared parental responsibilities.
READ
How to survive a divorce as painlessly as possible: methods and tips
You can endure regular troubles in relationships if:
- during the dialogue, the spouses decided to join forces and work to restore the family;
- problems in marriage are temporary and caused by age-related crises;
- the second partner agreed to couples psychotherapy.
In other situations, doubts and indecision only make problems worse. A woman has the right to live a happy life, not only to love, but also to receive reciprocity. If it turns out that the relationship does not bring satisfaction, but only generates negativity and stress, there is no point in maintaining it at the cost of your life and happiness.
When the only option is divorce
My first marriage became for me something like chickenpox, after which the body forever acquires immunity. Was this marriage a failure? Yes, I was. Did I need such a relationship? Yes, we do.
We always attract only the right people. We learn next to them. And if we learn a lesson, we become better. I needed a man with whom I could be a superwoman, to be proud of the burden of my life.
Then I grew out of these ideas, but the relationship itself did not change and ceased to suit me. And there was only one way out.
Divorce is not a sentence, but work on mistakes
We were not and could not be happy together. This is no one's fault. My ex-husband is a wonderful person, decent, smart, attractive, he dances wonderfully. I treat him well and wish him happiness from the bottom of my heart. I didn’t want to hurt him at all, although I understood that divorce would be a tragedy for him. However, I didn't shine around him and eventually I stopped trying.
For me, there was only one option - to separate. Of course, it’s a pity for the effort and time invested in the relationship. I was worried about my ex-husband, I was worried about how the divorce would affect the child.
I was not ready to sacrifice myself out of politeness and regrets about the past, because this would not make anyone happy.
If you've been walking somewhere for a long time and suddenly realize that you've been walking in the wrong direction all this time, you have two options: turn back or deliberately continue walking in the wrong direction.
Divorce is not a disaster; people don’t die from it. Divorce is about working on mistakes. I admitted my mistake, forgave myself for it and happily move on with my life.
Objective reasons for separation
The reasons described make you think about whether you should divorce your husband. It is imperative to break up with him only in traumatic relationships. If you realize that there will be no happiness, it is better to end the dangerous relationship. Divorce is inevitable in the following cases:
- Alcoholism or drug addiction. These bad habits destroy a person from the inside. It is impossible to build a family with a man suffering from alcohol addiction. Such people are prone to mood swings and violence. If the guy is not ready to get treatment, it's time to get a divorce. Let him sink to the bottom alone. This is the only way to “straighten the brains” of the patient.
- There are two types of violence: physical and psychological. The first thing you should run away from is a man who “beats with love.” Such people are self-centered and selfish, they think only about themselves, they don’t care about others. They feed on the humiliation of others and take pleasure in it. Such “monsters” should not be given the opportunity to start a family.
- Cheating is proof of lost love. A girl does not need to think about whether or not to divorce her unfaithful husband. It should be abandoned immediately after the secret is revealed.
- The guy is obliged to take care of the family budget. If it is common, he is obliged to contribute a decent amount to the “common fund”. Anyone who is unable to support a family must be divorced. Such men are used to being dependents.
- Not wanting to have children will be a significant reason for a serious conversation. You can't give up on your own ambitions. If there is a desire to give birth, then it can be fulfilled with another partner.
READ How to forget your wife after a divorce: advice from psychologists
